Night on Monkey Mountain Redux

The Man Who Could Not Stop Crying- Opening Scenes

[Hey readers-- below is the first draft of the first part of what I'm absolutely certain will be the most important screenplay I ever write. I hope you like it, and I'm interested to hear what directions it moved you emotionally while you were reading it. It's pretty amazing.]


NEW YORK. DAYTIME. EXT. A RATHOLE APARTMENT IN A BAD PART OF THE CITY.

Our hero, ISAAC KRUETZMACHER, is arriving back at home after a hard week being the doctor for a SWAT team. He is ruggedly handsome and around 22 years old. He is obese.

He goes up some stairs and unlocks the door to his apartment building.

ISAAC: What should I do now that I'm off work? Listen to classical music or watch baseball or write a biography of my grandparents? Maybe I should practice cooking some great but healthy foods....

As he enters the apartment building, he does NOT see a note taped to the front of the door. The camera zooms in on it. It reads "Isaac! Please help it's your wife Judy they came and kidnapped me! And I'm injured! I need your Swat and Doctor skills to help me! All I know is they have a red van! And one of the thugs is named Mark Danson! And, also, I overheard them talking about another man, who I guess they work for, who they referred to only by the mysterious moniker "The Calavera!" Obviously it's a fake name, but I did hear the one they called "Mark" mention that the secret lair of this Calavera is someplace near the old docks on Crosbie Street, in a building with fading purple paint and a pile of tires near the door. It's an old warehouse! And they're going to take me there, to a room that used to be a storage locker in the back! With any luck I'll be able to tape this note to the front door as they drag me, screaming at the top of my lungs, from our home. Please, save me! Yours, Judy."


When the audience is finished reading that, cut to the interior of the apartment, where ISAAC has already started watching Knight Rider on Hulu. He eats an Oreo and whistles a little tune, not really watching Knight Rider but not doing anything else, either. He farts and checks his twitter in one movement.

ISAAC: I wonder where Judy is?

He takes his gun from the holster on his belt and screws around with it. He pretends to shoot some terrorists.

ISAAC: Oh! Right in the face!

On the laptop, KITT (Knight Industries 2000, a Super-Intelligent Black Pontiac Trans Am) rescues Michael Knight (David Hasselhoff) from a gang of stringy ultra-marathon runners in animal costumes being mind-controlled by Michael's arch-nemesis for this episode, a science experiment gone wrong named "The Mentaler"(Guest Appearance by Ted Hughes). With the combined power of their own endurance specialized limbs and the crushing domination of The Mentaler's unending mind-rape, the zombie-like marathoners are able to keep pace with the fleeing KITT until it runs out of gas in the Sonoran desert, whereupon they attack the stalled vehicle with the unreal ferocity of the damned. As their bones and teeth shatter against KITT's nigh-invulnerable "Tri-Helical Plasteel 1000 Molecular Bonded Shell" Michael uses the time until they die to call his girlfriend, Marta. Only a flash of the scene is visible on the laptop, but it catches Isaac's attention just long enough for him to accidentally spill his glass of orange juice all over the kitchen table. He does a half-ass job of cleaning it up then goes to get some chicken at the fried chicken place down the street.

INT. CHICKEN PLACE- DAY

At the chicken place two men, ANTHONY and TRIO, are using the ATM machine.

TRIO: I don't like paying the ATM fee.

ANTHONY: Nobody likes paying the ATM fee, you asshole. Just pay it. You owe me lunch.

TRIO: Let go to the grocery store and get cash back on something.

ANTHONY: They don't have fried chicken there.

TRIO: I'll get a drink or something and then we can come back.

ANTHONY: You have to spend ten dollars to get cash back. You have to spend two dollars to get cash here. Want me to do the math for you?

TRIO: Shut your face. I'm doing it.

ANTHONY: Thank you. Hey, your PIN is stupid. 1122? The fuck is that- that's a baby's pin number.

TRIO: You're right, I guess. I should change it.

ANTHONY: Yeah.

ISAAC pushes past them to get to the counter. At the counter is the owner of the chicken place, RAVI. They speak to each other through a two inch plexiglass barrier.

RAVI: What you like sir?

ISAAC: Hey-- can I just have a chicken tenders basket with fries?

RAVI: Ok. No drink sir?

ISAAC: No thanks. Wait- do you have Code Red? I could use the boost.

RAVI: Mountain Dew Code Red is discontinued.

ISAAC: Balls. Are there any other code reds? Like Pepsi code red, for instance?

RAVI: No sir.

ISAAC: Balls. Okay. Just the tenders with Fries.

RAVI: Two minutes.

Behind them on a old wall mounted television with the sound muted, a female news reporter broadcasts in front of a flaming disaster. She is holding back tears. Lip reading movie viewers will be able to make out what she is saying: "Deaf people are not welcome in this movie theater."

Isaac gets his chicken and leaves the store. When he gets to his front door, having already eaten more than half the fries that came with his meal, he finally notices the note his beloved wife left for him as she was being kidnapped. He pulls it off the door and doesn't read it until he's sitting in front of the computer again, a long chicken tender poking out of his mouth like a lizard tongue. When he speaks it falls to the table.

ISAAC: Oh no! My wife's been kidnapped!

Isaac begins crying.

SLAM CUT TO OPENING CREDITS

The opening credits are a stock footage montage of people crying, starting with babies and going through teenagers and regular people and ending with the very, very old. Music: 'Till Tuesday's "Voices Carry." Boviously, these opening credits last for the entire duration of the four minute eighteen second duration of the song.

Screenplay Writing Advice 104: Pitching Your Movie

Hey everyone-- sorry I haven't been posting lately. Two AMAZING things happened to me in the last month. The first is this: I received a call from a hollywood producer interested in making an animated version of my screenplay Magic Power Day . Only part of the screenplay exists on this website-- if you're familiar with part 1 you may be surprised to learn that part 2 takes place almost entirely inside an AIDS virus and is about the Tim Taylor family's attempt to regain the favor of an angry god. And later a furious Christ.

The hollywood producer said I needed to get out there, so I drove a van all the way to Tinseltown for a seemingly endless string of meetings that culminated in my arrest. In retrospect I should have compromised on the Zak Snyder directs and my trailer has free candy beans in it issues. But no charges were pressed, and I reluctantly left Hollywood with what I have to admit was a bad taste in my mouth. That taste was mace.

But even as depressed as I was I knew a writer like myself must never stop stoking the furnace of creativity. That day I pulled the van into a sleepy California mountain town to see what I could summon. For two days I wrote nothing. Then, around the darkening orange embers of a great bonfire, I began a screenplay I'm certain will one day change the world. I don't want to say too much, but I will reveal the name. It's called The Man Who Could Not Stop Crying.

And that is the second amazing thing that happened to me. It will be the most fantastic screenplay I ever wrote, better even than the heartwarming Scoliosister. Perhaps I will post short segments of it here for feedback. But the truth is I don't think I'll need any feedback. It's an epic screenplay that's flowing out of my typing hands like water out of a hydrant. Like bees out of a disturbed nest. No offense but I only started writing this post because I couldn't think of a good name for the dog. Wait-- I'll name it Lucifer. Perfect.

I need to get back to TMWCNSC but real quick let me give you some pointers on pitching your screenplay. Read hard cause I'm only gonna type this once.

• Studio executives are busy men and one woman, and they don't have time to read everything. Before you go in think of two movies that you can combine to approximate your movie in the form of "It's [title of movie] meets [other title of movie]." This helps the studio exec visualize your film. For Magic Power Day I said "It's Mary Poppins meets Innerspace, but I have also had success with "It's Predator meets Jaws" and "It's Predator meets Die Hard 4." If you only took your ideas from one movie it's okay to just tell them that.

• Studio execs love to feel important, so when you first go into an exec's office offer to massage any part of their body they choose as a "meeting warm-up." Only rarely will they accept, but it makes them feel important. This is also why you should always bring them a bouquet of flowers and some myrrh.

• Hint frequently that other studios are already interested in making your film, or even that the film is already being made in El Salvador. The Salvadoran film industry is a total fucking joke, so you can always tell them later that the cameras had to be sold to buy bananas or some shit and the production was abandoned.

• Don't just sign anything they put in front of you if they say they want to buy your movie. Rushing ahead without talking to a lawyer is why John Grisham STILL doesn't get paid to write the Saw movies.

Well, I better be getting back to working on The Man Who Could Not Stop Crying. I think I'll work on it all night, in fact! But remember: Don't give up, keep writing, and one day the dream of Hollywood could be yours!

Screenplay writing advice 103: Writer's Block Tips

Hey Readers-- it's me again. I hope you enjoyed my last post about screenplay character creation. You may have noticed it's been a while since I posted a proper screenplay. That's because lately I've been experiencing a bad case of "writers block," and so haven't been able to come up with the great screenplay ideas that normally constantly blast through my skull like a sex hurricane. I apologize to everyone out there who depends on my creativity to inspire their own.

If you're a devoted reader of this blog you're probably also a writer yourself, and so you likely have had problems of your own with "The Block." I've been reading the internet and going back through my diary trying to find a way to get through the problem, and I thought I'd share some of that advice with you- it will probably help you even if it can't help me.

1. Watch some good movies!

Watching a good movie can definitely inspire you to make up your own. My go-to movie on this one is "Virtuousity," which stars Denzel Washington fighting a magic-man serial killer from the cyberverse named Russel Crowe. Anyone familiar with my work can surely see how influential it has been in the past.

Another good one is a forgotten masterpiece called "Ladyhawke"-- not only is it a wonderfully romantic date movie (two people can't have sex because they change into animals! Welcome to makeout town.) it's a creative treasure trove of ideas. I wrote my claymation horror opera, Chewbacca in Boston?!, after two consecutive viewings. Ladyhawke also inspired the character "Manda" from Monster Sex Prison.

2. Freewrite

"Freewriting" is when you just sit down and write whatever comes into your head. It can be anything- what you see around you, what you had for breakfast-- even just the names of everyone you've ever slept with in order of how loved they made you feel. Even when I don't have writer's block I try to free write for two hours a day, and now that I DO have writer's block and was fired from the costume store I'm free writing as much as ten hours a day.

The process helps clear your head of all the garbage thoughts and leaves you with a clear canvas on which to paint your screenplay ideas. So don't judge what you freewrite!

NOTE: Be careful not to write down a list of people you want to kill, since later that could be used as evidence. :(.

3. Write Someplace Else!

It's amazing how something as simple as changing the scenery can have an effect on your ability to write. If your room is too full of sour towels and Arby's leftovers to keep working, go to a McDonald's. When they ask you to buy something, go to a library. Et cetera. I wrote 90% of Spaceman's Burden in a Starbucks bathroom. Unbelievable!

4. Break Your Femur!

This sounds like a weird one. But I first got interested in the art of screenplay writing when I was recovering from a shattered femur I suffered in a car accident. I was in bed for several months, and after a brief bout with suicidal depression I found myself FASCINATED with what I was watching on television. And what I was watching, my friend, was screenplays. By my second month in traction I was beginning what would become my first screenplay, later renamed Nuclear Mutant Wife but at the time titled simply Nukeslut. Even then I knew it was a love affair that would last a lifetime.

There's something to be said for the isolation and alone time that comes with a crippling injury. If you're really committed to being a famous screenwriter try taking more risks with your health.

5. Remember to not give up, keep writing, and maybe the dream of hollywood will one day be yours!
See the video below for Proof!

Screenplay Writing Advice 102- Characters

This blog isn't always just my screenplay ideas--regular readers know that occasionally I'll offer some advice for young screenwriters based on my years in hollywood.

Last time I covered the basics-- the three act structure, keeping your story interesting, adding action, the rewrite process, and spicing things up. Now that you've had some time to apply that advice, I thought we could focus on a more complex issue-- character creation.

Characters are the most important part of any screenplay, because without them you have no one to deliver your lines or blow up your sportscars. I'm hoping this guide will help you create the kind of fun, exciting characters that audiences will want to see again and again and again. If they don't though, you're welcome to go to some other screenplay blog and read that instead. So here goes:

1. What is your character?
A character can be anyone-- from a regular man to a prostitute. Really, a character is any object a special FX team can make talk-- it could be a chimpanzee, a bag of laundry, or an STD like gonorrhea. Don't limit yourself.

The important thing is to figure out what you need from your character. If you want a story with action, you're going to want a man, probably one with a gun and karate skills. If you're writing a children's movie, you'll want a talking animal or piece of furniture, an androgynous child, or a singing flower with a mean dad. If you're writing a horror story, you'll want a disfigured person that for some reason cannot be killed.

2. Naming your character

Now that you know what kind of character you've got, it's time to give him (or it) a name. This is actually the most important part of the process, since this is how the world will see your character on imdb.

In the past I've used names like "Bill" and "George," but that's only when I want to create a character that my audience can identify with. Better names I've used include stunners like "Densmore Cavendish", "Reneblade" and "Roborto." Your goal should be to make the reader of your screenplay sit up and say "what kind of a name is that?" Now you've got their attention.

SMALL NOTE: The best names often have another name of an animal in them. (e.g. Bull Durham or Sir Blork Tigergun, star of my (work in progress) screenplay The Kentucky Softball Diaries)

3. Your character's history

Almost every major screenwriter, from George Lucas to Roberto Benigni, agrees with my theory that every single character in a movie must have a detailed backstory. Whenever you introduce a new person, take a couple of hours and write out some history for that person-- where did they go to school, what's their family situation, what are their firearm proficiencies, etc.

Not only can such a history give your character an interesting point of view, but more importantly it can help turn a boring-but-necessary scene about something like finding someone's keys into an intriguing scene that makes your movie unforgettable. Here's an example --

RASH OYSTERSKULL: I can't find my keys.

SHERIFF: I went to keyfinding school before I was a russian gymnast. Here they are.

RASH OYSTERSKULL: Thanks.

See? Now everyone watching that movie is thinking two things that make them more interested in your movie. (1) What's keyfinding school and (2) how long until this guys busts out some russian gymnast fighting moves? In any screenplay I was writing, the answer would be immediately.

4. Attitude

Is your character a half-full or half-empty type of person? Right now, mentally show your character a half-empty glass of water and see what he says. You're welcome-- you've just learned something about your character's attitude. Now try putting different things in that glass: champagne, whiskey, gold, a better career, super powers, brotherly love, bullets. Which one does he want the most? or does he ask you to stop bothering him? What's he wearing?

Write all that down. Later I guess it will help you decide what he says or does during your screenplay.


That's all the advice on character creation I can think of right now-- hope it helped!
Remember: Don't give up, keep writing, and maybe the dream of Hollywood will one day be yours!

Steve

ADVENTURE CRAZY: X 2THA X3

STARTS AT: .05 fucking milliseconds after the end of ADVENTURE CRAZY: X 2THA X2


Zak X Flavordrome, having just killed General Smashmouth, is just about to put the earbuds in on his awesome titanium ipod sunglasses when all of a sudden a huge muscular flaming space alien riding a mechanical 50 story T-REX with adamantium razorblade heat-sinking deathray propeller claws rips off the roof of the science warehouse he's in and starts spraying lazer napalm all over everything at thousands of gallons a second and then shouts "Flavordrome! I've come from the future to destroy you before you destroy me and now you die by fire!!!!!!" And as he says it he lights the napalm on fire with a fire bullet from a future gun and smashes the giant foot of the robot t-rex onto the direct spot where Zak is!

But Zak dodges out of the way at the last second and grabs a monster energy drink sniper rifle and looks up and whispers "I guess I'll just have to destroy you NOW instead of in the future!" and kablam he fires the sniper rifle and the bullet goes right up the nose of the alien! But then the Alien is like haha in the future my species of alien has kevlar brains and you didn't even know that! Now you die! Wait where did you go?!"

And then suddenly we see that Zak has climbed the whole robotic T Rex while the alien was talking and he smashes the alien with a mighty punch and knocks him out, and he falls off the robot dinosaur which is in bronco-mode, having sensed the intruder, and when the alien lands he explodes and the explosion sends Zach flying a mile into the air at a hundred miles an hour. And when he's right at the top of his flying he looks into space and sees a huge alien invasion force with thousands of space ships covered in lazer guns and ion shooters and plasmatillary explosive launchers with other ships that are just super quarkbombs with the potential to destroy a whole solar system headed right for earth. And that's when Zak takes out his platinum back-up cell phone and calls the white house.

"What's up, fuckers? Who's the new president now that president Goldboard was killed ten minutes ago?" he asks, airsurfing.

"I am. My name is Skrull Tentacles."

"Really? You're a fucking alien and you've got something to do with this invasion force! I'm gonna get you!" And with that Zak slams his cell phone shut and starts swimming in the air back to earth at superspeed and then lands on the white house and smashes through the roof and right there is Skrull Tentacles holding a trigger bomb and he's about to explain that if Zak kills him all of earth will be destroyed but it's too late because Zack stomach punches him super hard and he throws up his alien guts and just before he dies Zak grabs him and pushes him against the wall and says -- "you better tell me the self destruct code for all those ships or I'm going to take you down!" But the evil president tells him there is no Self Destruct code! So Zak tosses him into the Texas A&M bonfire and grabs an emergency white house missile launcher and points it up and pulls the trigger and then grabs the missile as it flies away and Zak goes with it! Just then the secret service sees he's killed the president and have no choice but to put him on the kill on sight instantly list and launch 20 million huge black flying robot death machines that ironically Zak's father designed on the day Zak won his first ESPY when he was only 8 months old. Zak sees them coming and is like "Thanks a lot, Dad" just before he jumps off the flying missile right when it's over the the Eiffel tower and then the death machines and the missile hit the bottom of the tower and blows the eiffel tower into the air! Just then Zak is teleported into a giant spaceship the size of earth and there at the steering wheel is COMMANDANT BIZKIT and he has Zak's father right at the edge of a black hole from a black hole machine!

"Dad I thought you were dead!" says Zak with a tear in his eye right before smashing the faces of eight alien hyperguards guards together, knocking them out to death, and saying "I should have known you were behind this, COMMANDANT BIZKIT! You'll never succeed if I've got anything to do with it and I do!" Then Zak's father says "Take him out! I love you Zak!" with a tear in his eye. And COMMANDANT BIZKIT is half a nanosecond from dropping Zak's father Slam Casanova into that dark pit from which no return is possible because he can tell Zak loves earth even enough to doom his father when KASLICE a switchblade flies out of Zak's hi-tech carbon-fiber snowboarding boot into the eyeball of COMMANDANT BIZKIT and he dies instantly, and Zak leaps and grabs his dad's hands and yanks him just when he's about to turn into energy spaghetti.

"I always knew those special knife boots would come in handy," says Zak, then he mows down three hundred and seventy five thousand alien cyborg terminator frankenstiens with a sawed off shotgun with one hundred barrels blasting NON-depleted uranium shells at a million shells a minute that his dad gave him just then. KABLAM!!!!!! as the eiffel tower slams through the side of the spaceship and all the air starts rushing out and as Zak and Slam kick over the black hole machine and ride its exhaust back to earth then turn it off.



"We made it!" says Zak, and is about to chug a monster energy drink when his father says "I'm sorry son but I have to tell you-- I designed all those alien ships because I was kidnapped and, sadly, they made me." Zak says "I know-- but quick here's the real question, pops-- did you secretly design a self destruct code so those ships would fly into the sun instead of attacking earth if you sent the code into space!" And Zak's father says "yes and here it is-- 1234293485u123974t1`34ty132p847yt12p947y1p2934719y47123p974y1239 activate!" And at that second he's killed by an alien assassin's dart, which makes Zak flip out emotionally and he grabs the dart and activates the code and above him all the ships fly into the sun. And he grabs the assassin and says "how could you? I had the code and it was already too late! He didn't have to die!" But the alien has already taken cyanide.

Zak just stands there. The camera zooms in on his face, then he chugs the monster energy drink. "This has been such a crazy day, even for me," he says. "I miss you dad."

END OF MOVIE

Zebra Irony PSA

SCENE: Africa. Everyone is Zebras.

BILL: Hey- Suzette?

SUZETTE: Bill! What's going on? I haven't seen you since we went to that big rave.

BILL: Yeah-- that's what I wanted to talk to you about.

SUZETTE: What do you mean?

BILL: I had promiscous sex at that rave with I don't know how many people.

SUZETTE: I heard that, actually.

BILL: I guess everybody did.

SUZETTE: Yeah. It was all over Africa.

BILL: What I wanted to tell you is that now I have low self confidence.

SUZETTE: Ouch.

BILL: So, my advice to you is, don't have crazy sex with multiple partners at a rave.

SUZETTE: Not that this exactly excuses it, but I remember you were high on lots of ecstasy at that rave. Maybe you should be feeling bad about that, and not the sex. The sex was a result of the illegal drug use.

BILL (directly to camera): I guess that's a good point...

FADE TO BLACK

FADE BACK UP TO REGULAR. A SPACEMAN WITH A CAT STANDS IN FRONT OF AFRICA.

SPACEMAN: The irony is that actually the ecstasy he was on was fake. Please, don't have promiscuous sex at a rave. Low self confidence will result when everyone finds out and thinks differently about you. Okay? Cool.

FADE TO BLACK.

Cat Irony PSA

SCENE: The Cat Universe.

CAT: Meow. Where'd you get that black eye, little kitten?

KITTEN: Meow. I fell off of a tree I was hanging in on.

CAT: Really?

KITTEN (crying): Yes.

CAT: That's not true, is it? Your father beat the shit out of you, didn't he?

KITTEN (sobbing): Yes! But it was my fault. I deserved it.

CAT: What?!

KITTEN (in tears): I forgot to put away my toy mouse that I was playing with.

CAT: No! Little kittens NEVER deserve to get beat for something as small as that!

KITTEN (sobbing really hard): What am I supposed to do!? He's my father!!!

CAT (directly into camera): No!!!!!

FADE TO BLACK

FADE BACK UP TO REGULAR. A SPACEMAN ADDRESSES THE CAMERA IN FRONT OF THE CAT AND KITTEN.

SPACEMAN: Yes, that was so hilarious. But what if... it were people instead of cats? Please, don't beat your kids for little stuff. I traveled here to the Cat Dimension to teach us all a valuable lesson. I hope you learned it.

Thanks.

FADE TO BLACK