Screenplays!!!!!

POTPOURI!

2011-12-21T13:42:00.000-08:00

Hey Readers! And thanks for stopping by Screaming Good Screenplays, the nation's premier place to think about and talk about screenplays. I've been in the middle of a total creative fire recently and have written hundreds of pages of top quality screenplays in a matter of days! (Call it the "Holiday Spirit!") But like every great screenplay writer, I know it's important to focus my attention on one thing at a time. So I've decided to share just the loglines for my newest screenplays with my "co-brains" at SGSP. If you have a minute, please write some feedback in the comments. I'll choose the screenplay you like the best and develop it into a full length piece, and hopefully get it out to studios as early as February!

Love you guys!
Stephen

1. Cop Squad
When a mysterious virus that only attacks cops decimates the Atlanta PD, it's up to detective Race Bullclaw (Detlef Schrempf in a career making performance) to find a cure.

2. Fart Planet
In a future powered by farts, America has to make a choice.

3. Gypsy Tears
When a gypsy learns she is infected with millions of squirming brain parasites, there's no answer but hope.

4. Free Cheeseburgers
A new cheeseburger machine destroys the world economy. Aaron Eckhart is left to pick up the pieces.

5. Bird Stampede
The national bird stockpile gets loose.

6. Freedom Junior
Onboard the Mayflower, a pilgrim learns to dream again.

7. Track Team
A highschool cross country team is mistaken for the Hungarian Olympic track team, with hilarious results. With Christopher Lambert as Coach Dalmer.

8. Fun Size
In this noir technothriller, the latest fad among teens is using a shrink ray to shrink yourself, and then hiding in a bottle until someone rubs the bottle, and then using a grow ray to grow yourself and then saying that you're a genie.

9. Solid Crystal
An explosion in a calculator laboratory turns five scientists into The Calculator Team. Using their powers of math and graphing, The Calculator Team foils the heist of the century and wins the 1996 NBA championship basketball game. Starring Nate McMillan, Eric Snow, Sam Perkins, Steve Scheffler, and Shawn Kemp.

10. Samurai Disco
80 feet below the surface of the Earth there is a secret disco with Samurai in it. To save Japan, it must be destroyed. Or must it???? Gandalf is in this.

Iciskull

2011-12-12T21:26:00.000-08:00

Fade up on movie theater

JUDY: Excuse me please, I'd like to buy a ticket for the film "ICISKULL."

Ticket seller turns, revealing that she is half skull and half icicle

ICISKULL: It's not a movie it's real life!

JUDY: AHHHH!!!

Judy faints and Iciskull adds her to the wall of frozen icicle people. ROLL OPENING CREDITS.

A Game Of Throwns

2011-11-09T16:50:00.000-08:00

We see the sun dawn over planet the earth.

VOICEOVER: Imagine a world where magic is real-- and magic is expressed with baseball spells.

Cut to: A baseball stadium. Seattle Mariners versus The London Amulets. Bottom of the ninth, bases loaded. A pitcher, RACE TUFFNUFF, wearing a regular baseball uniform but also wearing a big wizard hat and holding a giant wizard staff, gets ready to pitch. BRASS CHANTLER of the Amulets knocks dirt off his shoes with his Louisville slugger. The catcher is a troll named Pockets.

RACE TUFFNUFF: C'mon Pockets-- give me a pitch I can throw!

We see Pockets the Troll give Race a special sign for a magic pitch. Race smiles.

RACE: Oh yeah-- the abracadabra lightning special. Here we go. ESBILAN OTTOKAN DAZILAN!

Race throws a pitch that is made of lightning. When Brass swings at it, his bat explodes into ash and the ball goes directly into Pockets' mitt.

MUMMY UMPIRE: STRIKE THREE YOU'RE OUT!

The crowd goes wild! Fans rush the field. Everyone is very happy.

CUT TO A TALK SHOW.

GOBLIN HOST: Race Tuffnuff-- you just led The Seattle Mariners to world series victory. But some are saying that you are so good at magic that you should be kicked out of the game.

RACE: Baseball means the world to me. It's not my fault if my baseball magic is stronger than anyone's since Babe Ruthdini.

GOBLIN HOST: Since you started dominating baseball with your abracadabra lightning pitch, you've struck out every single batter that's gone up against you.

RACE: Yes. Their bats turn to ashes.

GOBLIN HOST: Doesn't that seem unfair to you?

RACE: Hey, I just like to win. I've got the skills to make it happen. Magic's part of the game.

GOBLIN HOST: No one likes any other sports, because they don't have magic in them.

RACE: Catch-22. Look, I don't complain when Brass Chantler turns his mitt into a snapping turtle so he can catch a pop fly better. And I don't complain when Bark Stargoozer changes his cane into magic flowers to distract the shortstop so he can steal third. I've worked hard on the Abracadabra lightning ball.

GOBLIN: Well, I can't fault you there.

RACE: Thanks Burt.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: BOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! YOU ARE RUINING MAGIC BASEBALL!

RACE: Hey stranger-- I don't know you. But what I do know is pitching. And I know that just like the Marlins came up with the magic net bat spell to combat Randy Johnson-Copperfield's fish-ball spell, some one out there is eventually going to come up with something to beat my abracadabra lightning pitch.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: EAT SHIT!

RACE: Heck, they're probably working on it right now.

AND WE CUT TO:
The London Amulets locker room. The London Amulets sit on wooden benches, ready to go out to practice. There are exits north, south, and southeast. There is an Amulet Mascot Costume here. There is a barrel of bats here.

COACH DRAGON: Listen up, Amulets! We've got to figure out a way to beat that bastard Race Tuffnuff and his abracadabra lightning ball! The world series is only nine months away.

NIGEL PETE ROSE: Coach, I've read through every baseball strategy book in the British library. There's not even a hint!

CLIVE KIRBY-PUCKETT: We need to think of new baseball magic!

COACH DRAGON: Yeah-- Wwat's the natural enemy of lightning??!!

Everyone begins to weep as they realize lightning does not have a natural enemy.

24 karats! A new screenplay by me

2011-11-08T12:23:00.000-08:00

Jake is a man who is completely ordinary. He has ordinary friends, an ordinary job, and an ordinary life. Indeed, the only thing that is not ordinary about Jake is that he bleeds 24k liquid gold. Today is the day that he finds out.

Jake: Ouch!

(a gold shining ooze drips from Jake's arm)

Heather: You okay, honey? Did you cut yourself?

Jake: I guess so. I'm 30 years old and I've never done that before.

Heather: Well you'll be okay. It'll heal. It is no 'biggie.'

Jake: Yeah, it just stings a little. So this is what bleeding is like? But...but I thought it was red!

Heather: It is, honey. It is. What color is yours?

Jake: It's the color of pure gold.
I hope I'm not sick!

Heather: I'm sure you're fine. You probably just got something on you.

(a man in a grey trenchcoat, a fedora, and dark sunglasses watches intently, hidden in the shadows of Jake and Heather's home)

Jake: No, I'm definitely bleeding this. And this is real gold, Heather! I'm bleeding gold!

Heather: Well were you eating gold earlier?

Jake: Come on, honey. No. This must be a natural. I'm worth billions!

(The man in the trenchcoat emerges)

Man in Trenchcoat: Indeed.

(Man in trenchcoat throws a vial to the floor, filling the room with smoke. There is the sound of glass breaking, and when the smoke clears, we see the kitchen window is broken and the man in the trenchcoat is trying to climb through the window but there is still a lot of sharp broken glass. Jake tries to grab him, but the man escapes and runs away through their yard.)

Jake: Of course! I should have realized. It's because I'm priceless. Every government is going to want to harvest my blood gold!

Heather: Be careful what you wish for.

Jake: Yes. A blessing has turned into a curse.

Heather: It is the monkey's paw.

Jake: It's so strange. Because while it sounds good to have an endless supply of gold, in the end it's dangerous awful.

Heather: Your dream has turned into a nightmare.

Jake: My deepest desire has become my worst regret.

Heather: The sunrise, so promising, has become a sunset, so disheartening.

Jake: I'm bleeding gold!

Heather: We have to get out of here! Quick, grab your wallet and run!

Jake: We don't need my wallet. We're paying in gold.

Basketball: BASED ON A TRUE STORY

2011-10-02T08:20:00.000-07:00

LARRY BIRD: If only I could be the best basketball player ever.

SATAN: You? But you're only 5'5 and you're terrible at free-throw shooting!.....Wait a minute. To become the greatest basketball player of all time, would you be willing to give up... YOUR SOUL?

LARRY BIRD: Yes, even my precious soul.

SATAN: It just so happens...

POOF! A demonic contract appears in the devil's clawed red hands.

SATAN: If you sign this contract, I'll give abilities that will make you the best basketball player in all history.

LARRY BIRD: I should have known you'd try something like this, Satan.

SATAN: Are you in or out?

LARRY: (thinks) Is being internationally recognized forever as the best basketball player of all time worth the price of my eternal soul?

SATAN: Well, Bird? Hurry up-- I have souls to torture in hell!

LARRY: It's worth it! Let's do this!

Larry signs the contract in his own blood. A cloud of red lightening surrounds him and he screams, grows seventeen inches taller, and becomes really good at shooting free throws.

SATAN: HAHAHA. Enjoy your newfound basketball skill, Larry Bird. Yes, you'll be remembered forever as the best basketball player there ever was, ever. But someday I'll be back... back for YOUR SOUL!!!

LARRY: I DON'T CARE!! I LOVE THE BASKETBALL POWER COURSING THROUGH MY VEINS. I CAN'T WAIT TO DUUUUUUUUUUUUUNK!!!!!!!

Beep Donk

2011-09-26T11:08:00.000-07:00

Beep Calculator is an electric robot programmed not to make any mistakes. But there's no way to program against the most powerful force in the universe: LOVE. But how can a nine-foot-tall dangerously strong parole-officer droid make it work with a 6 month-old severely disabled howler monkey? Especially after Beep steals him from a cancer research center? Especially since, whoops, Beep wound up destroying the cancer research center and a nearby hospital as he escaped with his true love? Who is named Scoop? So now the Federal Rogue Robot Destruction squad is after Beep, and he has no choice but to destroy wave after wave of their earnest recruits, even as his beloved severely disabled howler monkey, away from the medication he was receiving at the cancer research center, slips into a deadly coma.

Sometimes love just isn't enough. BEEP DONK.

Hell Prison

2011-07-13T19:42:00.000-07:00

IN THE DYSTOPIAN FUTURE...

Government Warlocks have discovered a new way to house America's most violently insane supercriminals: use magic to send them directly to hell for the duration of their sentences!!! But when Croc Brandisher (Jason Reitman) is falsely convicted of blowing up Orphanage Mountain, an innocent man is sentenced to life. Life In Hell! No one, guilty or innocent, has ever before escaped the terrifying nightmare demons and elaborate security measures of Hell. But one man is going to try-- even if he has to take the battle to the Devil himself (B.J. Novak)! A task so impossible it's lucky he's got help: with him is Blork Tigergun, a famous plane racer sent to hell after he died in a freak prostitution accident (Nick Thune), and Korn Hardbody, the computer wiz who couldn't make it into heaven because he believed a little too much in science and a little too little in the miracle of the virgin birth (Kevin Meaney).

Crappy the Shitty Ghost

2011-06-16T13:06:00.000-07:00

SCENE 41

Maxx: I'm not scared of ghosts

Chris: You know what I am afraid of? A ghost with a flamegun.

Maxx: A ghost couldn't hold a flamethrower though. It would just fall through their ghostly hands. Catch-22.

Chris: I meant a ghost flamethrower.

Maxx: Then they could only spray you with harmless ghost fire.

Chris: Talk about a catch-22! You couldn't burn a marshmallow.

Maxx: Not unless the marshmallow died with unfinished business and was cursed to walk the earth for eternity.

Chris: Now I really am getting scared.

Maxx: Me too.

Chris: Let's burn down this graveyard.

THE ILLUMINATI BIBLE DIAMOND

2011-03-07T19:41:00.000-08:00

Sunrise. A beautful small town in Greece. The beach. A heavily bearded waterlogged castaway struggles out of the waves. He bows down to pray, grateful to have made it to land. He's so happy! Suddenly he grabs his neck---HURK! A close up shot reveals he has been hit in the neck with a poison dart! He falls to the surf and water covers him momentarily. A clutched hand opens, and from it falls a HUGE DIAMOND in the shape of like a STEREOTYPICAL DIAMOND. But the difference is that this diamond is gold, and on it is painting of a space alien in a pope costume.

The camera pulls out two miles to reveal a LARS MARDIGO holding a 25-foot blowgun and standing next to a big telescope. He has a giant beard and looks unwashed.

LARS: I knew you'd be back one day, Striker Esplanade. And now you're dead, and the Illuminati Bible Stone is mine. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

LARS MARDIGO stands up.

LARS
Now to fetch that stone. Also, I remember how this all started.

The screen goes wavy for like a flashback.

TITLE:
FLASHBACK-- 20 years earlier.

The Israel Public Library. LARS MARDIGO and the man we now know as STRIKER ESPLANADE huddle over a desk and some ancient books and scrolls. They both have huge unkempt beards.

LARS
Striker-- these scrolls and whatever are cool but we need to get back to the hotel. My sister and your future wife Estrella Esperanto is only in town from LA beach for 5 days.

STRIKER
Sure, Lars! You know I love your sister as much as anything. And the sweetest part of the deal is that as soon as she and I get married you'll not only be my best friend, but my brother as well.

LARS
Life is great, bro.

They do a secret hand shake that proves they are best friends.

STRIKER and LARS
Shimmy Shimmy Hey!

STRIKER
Wait a second here, Lars. If I'm reading this correctly...

LARS
Spit it out! You know I can't read ancient proto-babylonian.

STRIKER
According to this source, there's an ancient huge diamond that's made out of gold and that proves the existence of God!

LARS
A diamond that's made from gold molecules? Why that would be....

STRIKER
The most valuable object in the the world.

LARS
Billions.

STRIKER
Or more. Look at this-- according to this other source from the renaissance etc, Donatello the famous painter himself once got ahold of this stone and painted a masterpiece on there. But no one knows what the masterpiece is of, and it's said to be of something so shocking that the church had it excommunicated because it revealed a hidden truth about the church.

LARS
Who knows what that secret could be? But one thing/ is for sure: When I said it was worth billions I guess I was underestimating.

STRIKER
Let's find it! And donate it to a museum!

LARS (lying)
Yes, let's do that and also I won't betray you.

Back in the Saddle

2011-02-26T05:25:00.000-08:00

Alright. Enough whining. I have to stop feeling sorry for myself. I need to get back to exercising my one god-given talent: writing really good screenplays in every genre.

Obviously the last thing I need is to spend another four years of my life super-depressed about someone tricking me (The other time was when one of my friends called me and told me I had been accepted to a college-- the event was the inspiration for my below-par horror script "The Revengening"). I need to buck up and stay focused on the dream. Here's the thing about writers: writers write. If I'm not actively writing screenplays or trying to get them produced, then I don't know who I am anymore. And THAT is far more terrifying than the idea that I will never ever succeed.

So whoever it was that called me, let me say "thanks." Your little prank simply rededicated me to my goal. I will never give up.

BROKEN

2011-02-24T19:13:00.000-08:00

I AM BROKEN. MY LOVE OF SCREENPLAYS SEEMS TO BE OVER. HOW COULD SOMEMONE JUST TAKE SOMEONE'S LOVE OF SCREENPLAYS AND ALL THINGS HOLLYWOOD AND JUST MAKE IT INTO A JOKE?

THE ONLY PERSON WHO COULD HAVE DONE THIS IS SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING IN THEIR LIFE THAT THEY LOVE.

It was a prank.

2011-02-17T10:34:00.001-08:00

I'm very embarrassed by how long it took me to realize that I was being pranked. In reality I HAVE NOT sold a film, I've just been tricked by some asshole who hates creativity, originality, and dedication to all things Hollywood. Unfortunately I didn't realize that this was fake until I made several major purchasing decisions.

As many of you have pointed out, Burd Turglar is clearly a fake name.

I hate whoever did this to me. If it was you: I hate you, and you deserve to be hated. I hope this DOES NOT make you feel good about yourself.

BIG NEWS!!!!!!!!

2011-01-29T11:01:00.001-08:00

Hey guys-- as always let me just say thanks for reading screaminglygoodscreenplays.blogspot.com! Your love and support (and at times financial contributions!) have made my life of intense, highly original, and meaningful creativity all the more prolific and important. Without your critical and caring minds I don't know if I ever would have had the patience to work out the climactic ending of Dalmnation: The Copocalypse, my cops vs. firemen action epic. Nor would I have been able to devise a thrilling last act to Puppy Power, my script about an ex-con mystically transferred into the body of a newborn puppy who then witnesses espionage in the US senate.

Readers-- I am very very excited to share some amazing amazing amazing news with you.

I

HAVE

SOLD

A

SCREENPLAY!!!!!!!!!!

That's RIGHT!!!! I did it! We did it! I still don't know how it happened, really-- I was sitting on my palette couch, playing an n64 game, when my phone rang. And the caller ID said "PARAMONT MOVIE STUDIOS!" It would probably be boring for me to write down all the details, but suffice it to say that I burst into tears! (honestly I was a little drunk at the time, so I got very emotional).

I just looked back through the SGSP archives and I'm not seeing any reference to the piece on the public page. But anyone who reads the forums and people I've had email correspondence with will know it. "Total Disaster-- Return of PORKJAMMER"is the title it's had the longest, although in the four years since I started writing it it's been known variously as "Porkjammer's Folly," "Pork Party 5000: Spring Break Attacks!," "Cold Mountain," etc.

I can't believe this is happening!

Paramount bought a version titled "Butt Borko's Holiday Shootout" which is so crazy because the Butt Borko draft existed for like two weeks before I threw it out-- I don't even remember mailing it out to every studio like I do with all my other finished screenplays. The draft focuses on the Butt Borko character instead of Monsieur Porkjammer as they travel through the events of the spaceocaust, and although after I wrote it I rejected the change as a mistake, re-reading the draft now I see it really lends some Je ne sais quoi to the third act's gravitas.

But I'm digressing! The point is HURRAY!!! I finally got my break!!!!! I didn't give up, I kept writing, and now the dream of Hollywood is mine!!! So far I've only spoken to Burd Turglar, the new development VP from Paramount, but he's asked me to come out to Hollywood in a week and say howdy to all his celebrity friends. Guys: I am so so happy. I didn't want to be a downer, but lately things have been very tough for me. I've just been unshakeably depressed, you know? Just like staring at the wall and never going out and drinking until I throw up in the bathtub. But this news changes EVERYTHING. I mean, besides the creative validation (Burd called the piece "Romeo and Juliet meets Avatar"!!!) I also could really use the money. Burd said I'm going to be getting minimum 5 million dollars!! That's more than I've ever heard of a writer getting for a screenplay, and when I said that Burd said it might be less, but still! I can get a car! I can afford new contacts! This is it! I already called the mean lady at the unemployment office and told her she can go fuck herself!!!

Let this be a lessons to everyone: hard work and incredible talent pay off. DO NOT GIVE UP! KEEP WRITING!!! AND ONE DAY THE DREAM OF HOLLYWOOD WILL BE YOURS!!!!

Yours in Success,
Steve

FREEDOMSAYER

2010-09-24T10:44:00.000-07:00

Senator Carl Spasswald, a thickly built late-40s former astronaut with steel blue eyes, strides into the Senate. All eyes follow him as he pushes aside lowly staffers and other senators alike on his way to the podium at the center of the floor. His rebel charisma rises off him like stank off a shitterhole. In his right hand is a copy of the bill he just wrote: The Act to Burn Down Washington D.C. To Save America 2011. In his left hand is the albino boa constrictor he normally wears around his neck as a conversation piece.

As he approaches the podium, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid tries to stop him.

Harry Reid: You're new here, Spasswald. But I'm sure you know that if you want to speak at this podium you'll have to wait your damn turn.

Carl: I'm taking my turn now, Reid. I'm tired of waiting!

Carl keeps walking toward the podium. Senator Reid draws a Desert Eagle from a shoulder holster, but Carl slaps it out of his hand before he can pull the trigger. Right cross! and Reid is down for the count, even if the count is to a million. He is dead.

Carl grabs the microphone.

Carl: Hello U.S. Senate!

Everyone halfheartedly claps.

Carl: I hope you all learned something from what happened to Mr. Reid just now! The American people have waited long enough to get a voice in this room!

Minority Whip Mitch McConnell: You show those Democrats!

Carl: Shut up Mitch! Republicans are only sort of better than communist democrats!

Mitch: That is it! Fuck you!

Mitch storms down the aisle, pulling a sawed-off double-barreled shotgun from underneath his suit jacket as he runs. Carl throws a handful of sand into his face and ducks.

Mitch: My eyes!

Carl perfectly executes a low sweep kick: McConnell crashes to the ground, knocking his head on the marble floor. Carl grabs the shotgun as it falls and looks down at Mitch, who lies still. Very still. He stands and checks the crowd's reaction-- the other senators are now cowed and ready to listen to reason. Perfect.

Carl: I was elected to this senate by the people of the great state of Arizona. And I was elected for one reason-- because I promised to burn all of Washington DC to the ground, with the exception of The Social Security Administration and the Vietnam Veteran's Memorial. But ever since I got here I've been stymied by all you other fat cat senators! My bill "The Arizona is the Best State Bill to Demolish the IRS Building with a Fucking Nuke Bomb 2010" never even made it out of committee! And my budget bill earmark for one thousand tons of napalm to be poured all over this corrupt shitterhole of a city was removed in the bill's first review! The voice of the American people is being stifled!

Scattered but enthusiastic clapping. They're starting to get it.

Carl: The people of my state pay so many taxes! That's money they could be using for their own things, like growing the economy with it! And paying jobs! But it seems like you people can't understand! If you want to take this country back to the way it was you have to make them pay no taxes for economy good things to happen with money! Jobs! Taxes are like socialism! That's not the country that I am here for! And to pay immigrants the money of us, while they use the healthcare emergency rooms? Which could be making jobs? I DON'T THINK SO!

The applause is growing. You can see years of arrogance dropping away from these once decent human beings.

Michele Bachmann: You can do it Carl!

Carl: Barack Obama big bank bailout for companies? Capitalism market Freedom! And now healthcare bootstraps Marxism border security? This is the greatest country forefathers! Strangle business revolutionary arrogant! Hard working regular! Stop percent freedom recessions. J-O-B jobs!

The applause is now cacophonous. It is almost impossible to hear Carl's next line.

Carl: We must cut spend low freedom America return! Before it's too late!

He holds up his bill. The room goes wild! Republicans, Democrats, even the secret service agents around the room all scream their approval. Only few dems, finally understanding how much of good American's money they have wasted on useless social programs, are weeping instead of shouting.

CUT TO: Insert of bill. A big stamp slams down on it and pulls away to reveal the word LAW in red letters. Cut to black.

TITLE: Ten years later.... Washington DC.

Amidst the endless ashen wreckage of the old Washington DC, we come upon a single small log cabin. A hand-written sign outside it reads: "US Government and Gun Store." Carl Spass is on the front porch, cleaning a duck. His two beautiful kids sit at his feet, playing cats cradle and worshipping Christ. The door opens. Michele Bachmann comes out, carrying a tray of fresh chocolate chip cookies.

Michele Bachmann: Honey- it's been ten years. I wish I could say I'm surprised that everything worked, and that everything is going great and you are president. But, honestly, I'm not.

Carl: Me neither. I always had faith in the American people. USA, honey. USA number one.

They embrace. Pan up to the American flag waving in the wind.

THE END

Pony Gun

2010-05-22T10:19:00.000-07:00

Reese: Hey Doctor Olympics, I've uncovered some sort of crazy gem that gives whoever has it in their mouth super powers! Watch!

Reese puts the gem in his mouth and hovers above the ground. A bouquet of lilies appears in his hand, surprising even him.

Reese: Wow, flowers!

Dr. Olympics: Where ever did you find such a gem?!

Reese: In the old cave up on Sphinx mountain, in the break room! Doc watch!

Reese does a flip mid air. Poof! He's wearing tuxedo.

Reese: Well, whatta ya know!

Dr. Olympics: You may be my godson, Reese Cardigan. And in the last few weeks, ever since that weird Halloween party we went to, I've thought of you as not just my godson but my best friend. But Reese-- if you don't give me that gem right now I swear I'll kill you.

Reese: Here, Doc. If you want it that badly you could have just asked.

Dr. Olympics: Uh... sorry.

Reese: Would you really have killed me?

Dr. Olympics: I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me.

Reese: Are you even going to try it? Put it in your mouth.

Dr. Olympics: It's got spit on it.

Reese: You were going to murder me for that thing but now a little spit is putting you off? Give it back.

Dr. Olympics: Let me just dry it on my shirt.

Reese: You're an asshole.

Dr. Olympics: Okay here we go.

He puts the gem in his mouth. He hovers upward and a bouquet of dahlias appears in his hand.

Dr. Olympics: The power!! The absolute power!

Poof! He's wearing a nice blazer.

Dr. Olympics: So what else does it do?

Reese: You know what? I thought we could be friends. Not best friends. But I was excited after the halloween party that I could be friends with my godfather.

Dr. Olympics: Were you? I'm so sorry.

Reese: I don't know what else it does. I hope nothing. I'm going to tell my dad about this and he's going to revoke your godfather status.

Dr. Olympics: Reese, I've cared so much about you, ever since you were a small child. But if you tell your dad about this, I swear I'll kill you.

Reese: What a surprise. Choke on that thing, dick.

A big handgun appears in Dr. Olympics's hand.

Dr. Olympics: Well! Then I've had quite enough out of you. I'm sorry, Reese.

Dr. Olympics fires the gun at Reese, who dodges out of the way behind a box of camping pornography. But instead of a bullet coming out of the gun, a tiny pony poots out of the barrel. It lands between Reese and Dr. Olympics, then rapidly grows to full size.

Pony: Neigh!

Dr. Olympics and Reese (together): This changes everything.

They exchange a significant look. Brief pause, then roll opening credits

DIAMONDO

2010-02-21T12:20:00.001-08:00

CREON: I am blasted by energy I don't understand!

LUCIO: You've ruined another Thanksgiving!

CREON: Please help me! I feel like I am erupting!

LUCIO: TMI, uncle Creon!

CREON: HELP ME! THERE ARE UNKNOWN ENEMIES!

Lucio opens a Butterfinger and takes a thoughtful bite. Pause.

LUCIO: Are there?

CREON: Yes!!!

Creon explodes. His head lands on the table next to a pumpkin. Lucio removes his mask, revealing that he is James Bond.

And roll opening credits for what will surely be the most talked about Bond movie in the history of the series-- DIAMONDO, in which James Bond, for the first time, fights the power of Halloween magic.

Credit Sequence-- the silhouettes of nude women trick or treat on the silhouettes of guns. A sexy song about how jack o lanterns are spies.

End credits on London. British Secret Service Headquarters.

M (on phone): James 007, why can't you just walk through the front door of British Secret Service like everyone else?

Reveal that James Bond is parachuting.

JAMES BOND: You might as well ask me to drink a stirred vodka martini. I would never do it! I'm parachuting in right now. I should be there in t-minus one minute.

M: Tea minus is right, since because of this urgent meeting you asked for I had to miss teatime.

JAMES BOND (laughing): Ha Ha Ha.

M: Okay then. I guess I just have time to open this package on my desk.

JAMES BOND: Cheerio, M-- I think you do.

M: Odd. It's a pumpkin, like they have in America,

JAMES BOND: A pumpkin! M no!!!

The pumpkin explodes. M explodes. The British Secret Service explodes. James is thrown high in the air by the blast. Looking down, he sees an orange package delivery truck driving away from the explosion. James draws his walter gun and dives toward it.

JAMES BOND: This one is for M. I'll teach you.

Movie Ideas For YOU!!!

2009-12-17T09:01:00.000-08:00

Hey you guys! I've got some random ideas for movies that I don't really have time to develop right now-- so I thought I'd put them out there as ideas for my readers to further develop into complete screenplays!

1. An Egyptian curse makes it so everything a man touches turns into food. It's a blessing and a curse.

2. A man is fishing and he catches a portal to another dimension.

3. Two middle aged women are lonely but then they meet sensitive men who really care about them. Then everyone is sent to fight in the Vietnam War.

4. Mitch The Talkin' Bike.

5. Cartoon Raccoons vs. Cartoon Baboons. [Maybe they play basoons? Seems a little too on the nose though]

6. Ogre Robot takes over Green Day concert. Who can stop him? Justin Long.

7. Government program to buy everyone a boat goes wrong.

8. An old grandpa opens a bungie jumping business and discovers the real fountain of youth is bungie jumping.

9. Last man on Earth decides to finish writing his novel anyway. Heartwarming.

10. Documentary on Abortion. Turns out to only be a dream.

Give them your best shot! And while you're at it, don't give up, keep writing, and maybe the dream of Hollywood will one day be yours! As usual, if you use my ideas I get half of all money you make on the idea, plus I get to cameo as myself.

Good luck!

MAJOR MALFUNCTION

2009-08-22T09:23:00.000-07:00

In a world bound by danger and fraught with fear, one man-- Rick Calhoun-- has the guts and the balls and the right stuff to take it to the limit with explosive action. The high tech military "dark squads" of the nameless shadow government's enforcement division appear unstoppable. But are they? To Rick Calhoun and the secret weapon he uncovered in the alien crypt? The only way to find out is by watching the movie, but probably not. But there's one thing Rick Calhoun didn't count on-- falling in love with a cardboard cut-out of an anime character in a blockbuster video. As his family and friends question Rick's incomprehensible life choice, Rick is forced to fight off the unknowable evil of The Lexin Corporation while defending himself against a public that sees his love as a threat to their preconceived notions of committed relationships. Can there be a new dawn for an oppressed world? Can a man love a soulless immobile object, and if so is his love somehow less of a love than a more traditional relationship? And can the answers to those questions be solved with a special bullet invented by a super genius (Brian Dennehy) imprisoned high atop Mount Danger?

Later this winter.

Giant Mosquito From Space IV

2009-07-21T09:22:00.000-07:00

No one believed Earth would survive when the first Giant Mosquito from space appeared in earth's telescopes like a bloodsucking moon-sized comet, especially after scientists determined it had evolved in space to suck the magma out of earth's core. Luckily, hero professor Luke Billings was able to blast it into the sun just in time.

When the second, even bigger giant mosquito from space appeared three years later, no one believed the earth would survive, since it's nuclear arsenal had been exhausted in the first movie. But, luckily, hero professor Luke Billings and his rascally nephew Brian were able to devise a special mosquito virus that tore the second giant mosquito from space apart with violent spasms.

One year later, a third giant Mosquito appeared at the edge of the solar system. How foolish everyone felt when they learned that THIS mosquito was immune to the virus from before! As the mosquito bore down on earth, it's magma probiscus slavering with delight at the idea of a tasty lava treat, everyone looked to hero professor Luke Billings, his rascally nephew Brian, and their caught-up-in-the-mix Italian American hairdreser friend Vinnie to save them. Could they do it? Audiences learned that yes, they could, when the three of them teamed up on an idea so crazy it just did work: they painted the moon to look like earth then hurled it and the confused mosquito into a passing black hole.

Now, only six months later, the world is finally at peace. But suddenly another giant mosquito from space emerges from behind Saturn with his sights set on our beloved planet! Professor Luke Billings, handsome nephew Brian, crazy Vinnie, and introducing Chow Yun Fat as martial arts entomologist Tiger Formic must somehow divise a way to stop the giant mosquito from space from getting to earth and sucking it dry! Will they succeed? Giant Mosquito From Space IV: another Giant Mosquito From Space. In theaters this flag day.

Blast From the Future

2009-06-20T18:43:00.000-07:00

Goddammit! Future people keep sending firecrackers back through time and into the present and startling everyone! No one nowadays needs that shit, and it's not even that funny after the first set of them. And no matter how many times the people of today bury time capsules that have notes in them that say "Please stop sending lit firecrackers back through time to various events and parties circa 2009 guys!" they won't stop!

So look: now we obviously need a great detective who can solve a crime BEFORE it happens, possibly HUNDREDS OF YEARS before it happens. But who? Who can we get? Colombo is dead. Matlock is too old now and can't hear fireworks. The ghostbusters have cancer. Maybe... Maybe....YES! THAT'S IT! We'll get genius chaos theory math professor and incarcerated dinosaur murderer IAN MALCOLM to solve the crime.

They shave off his long prisoner beard. They make him promise not to control the weather through killing butterflies. And they airdrop him into the jungle.

The number of lit firecrackers appearing through time portals INCREASES dramatically!! Often it happens while celebrities are on the toilet! IAN MALCOLM has ruined everything again!

World-wide sentiment against IAN MALCOLM, TIME FAILURE rises to an all new high. Everyone is so mad they stop caring about the firecrackers so much, even. Anti- Ian Malcolm rallies are held on every continent, and copies of his biography are put into a blender with shit and piss and then force-fed to unclean animals! Again and Again! It is bizarre and unsettling.

Finally the world's top brains come up with a genius plan that is sure to stop the firecracker guys: they will BLOW UP THE FUTURE!!!! Thousands of nuclear bombs are buried everywhere with timers set to go off in 2025. That will teach those assholes! says the president.

Oh shit! Suddenly nuclear bombs start coming through the time portals with countdown timers of just a few hours left on them!! The future has decided to BLOW UP THE PAST!!! Oh god when will it end!!! Man!

Night on Monkey Mountain Redux

2009-04-12T08:47:00.000-07:00

The Man Who Could Not Stop Crying- Opening Scenes

2009-03-25T23:34:00.000-07:00

[Hey readers-- below is the first draft of the first part of what I'm absolutely certain will be the most important screenplay I ever write. I hope you like it, and I'm interested to hear what directions it moved you emotionally while you were reading it. It's pretty amazing.]

NEW YORK. DAYTIME. EXT. A RATHOLE APARTMENT IN A BAD PART OF THE CITY.

Our hero, ISAAC KRUETZMACHER, is arriving back at home after a hard week being the doctor for a SWAT team. He is ruggedly handsome and around 22 years old. He is obese.

He goes up some stairs and unlocks the door to his apartment building.

ISAAC: What should I do now that I'm off work? Listen to classical music or watch baseball or write a biography of my grandparents? Maybe I should practice cooking some great but healthy foods....

As he enters the apartment building, he does NOT see a note taped to the front of the door. The camera zooms in on it. It reads "Isaac! Please help it's your wife Judy they came and kidnapped me! And I'm injured! I need your Swat and Doctor skills to help me! All I know is they have a red van! And one of the thugs is named Mark Danson! And, also, I overheard them talking about another man, who I guess they work for, who they referred to only by the mysterious moniker "The Calavera!" Obviously it's a fake name, but I did hear the one they called "Mark" mention that the secret lair of this Calavera is someplace near the old docks on Crosbie Street, in a building with fading purple paint and a pile of tires near the door. It's an old warehouse! And they're going to take me there, to a room that used to be a storage locker in the back! With any luck I'll be able to tape this note to the front door as they drag me, screaming at the top of my lungs, from our home. Please, save me! Yours, Judy."

When the audience is finished reading that, cut to the interior of the apartment, where ISAAC has already started watching Knight Rider on Hulu. He eats an Oreo and whistles a little tune, not really watching Knight Rider but not doing anything else, either. He farts and checks his twitter in one movement.

ISAAC: I wonder where Judy is?

He takes his gun from the holster on his belt and screws around with it. He pretends to shoot some terrorists.

ISAAC: Oh! Right in the face!

On the laptop, KITT (Knight Industries 2000, a Super-Intelligent Black Pontiac Trans Am) rescues Michael Knight (David Hasselhoff) from a gang of stringy ultra-marathon runners in animal costumes being mind-controlled by Michael's arch-nemesis for this episode, a science experiment gone wrong named "The Mentaler"(Guest Appearance by Ted Hughes). With the combined power of their own endurance specialized limbs and the crushing domination of The Mentaler's unending mind-rape, the zombie-like marathoners are able to keep pace with the fleeing KITT until it runs out of gas in the Sonoran desert, whereupon they attack the stalled vehicle with the unreal ferocity of the damned. As their bones and teeth shatter against KITT's nigh-invulnerable "Tri-Helical Plasteel 1000 Molecular Bonded Shell" Michael uses the time until they die to call his girlfriend, Marta. Only a flash of the scene is visible on the laptop, but it catches Isaac's attention just long enough for him to accidentally spill his glass of orange juice all over the kitchen table. He does a half-ass job of cleaning it up then goes to get some chicken at the fried chicken place down the street.

INT. CHICKEN PLACE- DAY

At the chicken place two men, ANTHONY and TRIO, are using the ATM machine.

TRIO: I don't like paying the ATM fee.

ANTHONY: Nobody likes paying the ATM fee, you asshole. Just pay it. You owe me lunch.

TRIO: Let go to the grocery store and get cash back on something.

ANTHONY: They don't have fried chicken there.

TRIO: I'll get a drink or something and then we can come back.

ANTHONY: You have to spend ten dollars to get cash back. You have to spend two dollars to get cash here. Want me to do the math for you?

TRIO: Shut your face. I'm doing it.

ANTHONY: Thank you. Hey, your PIN is stupid. 1122? The fuck is that- that's a baby's pin number.

TRIO: You're right, I guess. I should change it.

ANTHONY: Yeah.

ISAAC pushes past them to get to the counter. At the counter is the owner of the chicken place, RAVI. They speak to each other through a two inch plexiglass barrier.

RAVI: What you like sir?

ISAAC: Hey-- can I just have a chicken tenders basket with fries?

RAVI: Ok. No drink sir?

ISAAC: No thanks. Wait- do you have Code Red? I could use the boost.

RAVI: Mountain Dew Code Red is discontinued.

ISAAC: Balls. Are there any other code reds? Like Pepsi code red, for instance?

RAVI: No sir.

ISAAC: Balls. Okay. Just the tenders with Fries.

RAVI: Two minutes.

Behind them on a old wall mounted television with the sound muted, a female news reporter broadcasts in front of a flaming disaster. She is holding back tears. Lip reading movie viewers will be able to make out what she is saying: "Deaf people are not welcome in this movie theater."

Isaac gets his chicken and leaves the store. When he gets to his front door, having already eaten more than half the fries that came with his meal, he finally notices the note his beloved wife left for him as she was being kidnapped. He pulls it off the door and doesn't read it until he's sitting in front of the computer again, a long chicken tender poking out of his mouth like a lizard tongue. When he speaks it falls to the table.

ISAAC: Oh no! My wife's been kidnapped!

Isaac begins crying.

SLAM CUT TO OPENING CREDITS

The opening credits are a stock footage montage of people crying, starting with babies and going through teenagers and regular people and ending with the very, very old. Music: 'Till Tuesday's "Voices Carry." Boviously, these opening credits last for the entire duration of the four minute eighteen second duration of the song.

Screenplay Writing Advice 104: Pitching Your Movie

2009-03-22T23:34:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone-- sorry I haven't been posting lately. Two AMAZING things happened to me in the last month. The first is this: I received a call from a hollywood producer interested in making an animated version of my screenplay Magic Power Day . Only part of the screenplay exists on this website-- if you're familiar with part 1 you may be surprised to learn that part 2 takes place almost entirely inside an AIDS virus and is about the Tim Taylor family's attempt to regain the favor of an angry god. And later a furious Christ.

The hollywood producer said I needed to get out there, so I drove a van all the way to Tinseltown for a seemingly endless string of meetings that culminated in my arrest. In retrospect I should have compromised on the Zak Snyder directs and my trailer has free candy beans in it issues. But no charges were pressed, and I reluctantly left Hollywood with what I have to admit was a bad taste in my mouth. That taste was mace.

But even as depressed as I was I knew a writer like myself must never stop stoking the furnace of creativity. That day I pulled the van into a sleepy California mountain town to see what I could summon. For two days I wrote nothing. Then, around the darkening orange embers of a great bonfire, I began a screenplay I'm certain will one day change the world. I don't want to say too much, but I will reveal the name. It's called The Man Who Could Not Stop Crying.

And that is the second amazing thing that happened to me. It will be the most fantastic screenplay I ever wrote, better even than the heartwarming Scoliosister. Perhaps I will post short segments of it here for feedback. But the truth is I don't think I'll need any feedback. It's an epic screenplay that's flowing out of my typing hands like water out of a hydrant. Like bees out of a disturbed nest. No offense but I only started writing this post because I couldn't think of a good name for the dog. Wait-- I'll name it Lucifer. Perfect.

I need to get back to TMWCNSC but real quick let me give you some pointers on pitching your screenplay. Read hard cause I'm only gonna type this once.

• Studio executives are busy men and one woman, and they don't have time to read everything. Before you go in think of two movies that you can combine to approximate your movie in the form of "It's [title of movie] meets [other title of movie]." This helps the studio exec visualize your film. For Magic Power Day I said "It's Mary Poppins meets Innerspace, but I have also had success with "It's Predator meets Jaws" and "It's Predator meets Die Hard 4." If you only took your ideas from one movie it's okay to just tell them that.

• Studio execs love to feel important, so when you first go into an exec's office offer to massage any part of their body they choose as a "meeting warm-up." Only rarely will they accept, but it makes them feel important. This is also why you should always bring them a bouquet of flowers and some myrrh.

• Hint frequently that other studios are already interested in making your film, or even that the film is already being made in El Salvador. The Salvadoran film industry is a total fucking joke, so you can always tell them later that the cameras had to be sold to buy bananas or some shit and the production was abandoned.

• Don't just sign anything they put in front of you if they say they want to buy your movie. Rushing ahead without talking to a lawyer is why John Grisham STILL doesn't get paid to write the Saw movies.

Well, I better be getting back to working on The Man Who Could Not Stop Crying. I think I'll work on it all night, in fact! But remember: Don't give up, keep writing, and one day the dream of Hollywood could be yours!

Screenplay writing advice 103: Writer's Block Tips

2009-01-29T13:05:00.000-08:00

Hey Readers-- it's me again. I hope you enjoyed my last post about screenplay character creation. You may have noticed it's been a while since I posted a proper screenplay. That's because lately I've been experiencing a bad case of "writers block," and so haven't been able to come up with the great screenplay ideas that normally constantly blast through my skull like a sex hurricane. I apologize to everyone out there who depends on my creativity to inspire their own.

If you're a devoted reader of this blog you're probably also a writer yourself, and so you likely have had problems of your own with "The Block." I've been reading the internet and going back through my diary trying to find a way to get through the problem, and I thought I'd share some of that advice with you- it will probably help you even if it can't help me.

1. Watch some good movies!

Watching a good movie can definitely inspire you to make up your own. My go-to movie on this one is "Virtuousity," which stars Denzel Washington fighting a magic-man serial killer from the cyberverse named Russel Crowe. Anyone familiar with my work can surely see how influential it has been in the past.

Another good one is a forgotten masterpiece called "Ladyhawke"-- not only is it a wonderfully romantic date movie (two people can't have sex because they change into animals! Welcome to makeout town.) it's a creative treasure trove of ideas. I wrote my claymation horror opera, Chewbacca in Boston?!, after two consecutive viewings. Ladyhawke also inspired the character "Manda" from Monster Sex Prison.

2. Freewrite

"Freewriting" is when you just sit down and write whatever comes into your head. It can be anything- what you see around you, what you had for breakfast-- even just the names of everyone you've ever slept with in order of how loved they made you feel. Even when I don't have writer's block I try to free write for two hours a day, and now that I DO have writer's block and was fired from the costume store I'm free writing as much as ten hours a day.

The process helps clear your head of all the garbage thoughts and leaves you with a clear canvas on which to paint your screenplay ideas. So don't judge what you freewrite!

NOTE: Be careful not to write down a list of people you want to kill, since later that could be used as evidence. :(.

3. Write Someplace Else!

It's amazing how something as simple as changing the scenery can have an effect on your ability to write. If your room is too full of sour towels and Arby's leftovers to keep working, go to a McDonald's. When they ask you to buy something, go to a library. Et cetera. I wrote 90% of Spaceman's Burden in a Starbucks bathroom. Unbelievable!

4. Break Your Femur!

This sounds like a weird one. But I first got interested in the art of screenplay writing when I was recovering from a shattered femur I suffered in a car accident. I was in bed for several months, and after a brief bout with suicidal depression I found myself FASCINATED with what I was watching on television. And what I was watching, my friend, was screenplays. By my second month in traction I was beginning what would become my first screenplay, later renamed Nuclear Mutant Wife but at the time titled simply Nukeslut. Even then I knew it was a love affair that would last a lifetime.

There's something to be said for the isolation and alone time that comes with a crippling injury. If you're really committed to being a famous screenwriter try taking more risks with your health.

5. Remember to not give up, keep writing, and maybe the dream of hollywood will one day be yours!
See the video below for Proof!

Screenplay Writing Advice 102- Characters

2009-01-11T16:14:00.000-08:00

This blog isn't always just my screenplay ideas--regular readers know that occasionally I'll offer some advice for young screenwriters based on my years in hollywood.

Last time I covered the basics-- the three act structure, keeping your story interesting, adding action, the rewrite process, and spicing things up. Now that you've had some time to apply that advice, I thought we could focus on a more complex issue-- character creation.

Characters are the most important part of any screenplay, because without them you have no one to deliver your lines or blow up your sportscars. I'm hoping this guide will help you create the kind of fun, exciting characters that audiences will want to see again and again and again. If they don't though, you're welcome to go to some other screenplay blog and read that instead. So here goes:

1. What is your character?
A character can be anyone-- from a regular man to a prostitute. Really, a character is any object a special FX team can make talk-- it could be a chimpanzee, a bag of laundry, or an STD like gonorrhea. Don't limit yourself.

The important thing is to figure out what you need from your character. If you want a story with action, you're going to want a man, probably one with a gun and karate skills. If you're writing a children's movie, you'll want a talking animal or piece of furniture, an androgynous child, or a singing flower with a mean dad. If you're writing a horror story, you'll want a disfigured person that for some reason cannot be killed.

2. Naming your character

Now that you know what kind of character you've got, it's time to give him (or it) a name. This is actually the most important part of the process, since this is how the world will see your character on imdb.

In the past I've used names like "Bill" and "George," but that's only when I want to create a character that my audience can identify with. Better names I've used include stunners like "Densmore Cavendish", "Reneblade" and "Roborto." Your goal should be to make the reader of your screenplay sit up and say "what kind of a name is that?" Now you've got their attention.

SMALL NOTE: The best names often have another name of an animal in them. (e.g. Bull Durham or Sir Blork Tigergun, star of my (work in progress) screenplay The Kentucky Softball Diaries)

3. Your character's history

Almost every major screenwriter, from George Lucas to Roberto Benigni, agrees with my theory that every single character in a movie must have a detailed backstory. Whenever you introduce a new person, take a couple of hours and write out some history for that person-- where did they go to school, what's their family situation, what are their firearm proficiencies, etc.

Not only can such a history give your character an interesting point of view, but more importantly it can help turn a boring-but-necessary scene about something like finding someone's keys into an intriguing scene that makes your movie unforgettable. Here's an example --

RASH OYSTERSKULL: I can't find my keys.

SHERIFF: I went to keyfinding school before I was a russian gymnast. Here they are.

RASH OYSTERSKULL: Thanks.

See? Now everyone watching that movie is thinking two things that make them more interested in your movie. (1) What's keyfinding school and (2) how long until this guy busts out some Russian gymnast fighting moves? In any screenplay I was writing, the answer would be immediately.

4. Attitude

Is your character a half-full or half-empty type of person? Right now, mentally show your character a half-empty glass of water and see what he says. You're welcome-- you've just learned something about your character's attitude. Now try putting different things in that glass: champagne, whiskey, gold, a better career, super powers, brotherly love, bullets. Which one does he want the most? or does he ask you to stop bothering him? What's he wearing?

Write all that down. Later I guess it will help you decide what he says or does during your screenplay.

That's all the advice on character creation I can think of right now-- hope it helped!
Remember: Don't give up, keep writing, and maybe the dream of Hollywood will one day be yours!

Steve

ADVENTURE CRAZY: X 2THA X3

2009-01-09T12:04:00.000-08:00

STARTS AT: .05 fucking milliseconds after the end of ADVENTURE CRAZY: X 2THA X2

Zak X Flavordrome, having just killed General Smashmouth, is just about to put the earbuds in on his awesome titanium ipod sunglasses when all of a sudden a huge muscular flaming space alien riding a mechanical 50 story T-REX with adamantium razorblade heat-sinking deathray propeller claws rips off the roof of the science warehouse he's in and starts spraying lazer napalm all over everything at thousands of gallons a second and then shouts "Flavordrome! I've come from the future to destroy you before you destroy me and now you die by fire!!!!!!" And as he says it he lights the napalm on fire with a fire bullet from a future gun and smashes the giant foot of the robot t-rex onto the direct spot where Zak is!

But Zak dodges out of the way at the last second and grabs a monster energy drink sniper rifle and looks up and whispers "I guess I'll just have to destroy you NOW instead of in the future!" and kablam he fires the sniper rifle and the bullet goes right up the nose of the alien! But then the Alien is like haha in the future my species of alien has kevlar brains and you didn't even know that! Now you die! Wait where did you go?!"

And then suddenly we see that Zak has climbed the whole robotic T Rex while the alien was talking and he smashes the alien with a mighty punch and knocks him out, and he falls off the robot dinosaur which is in bronco-mode, having sensed the intruder, and when the alien lands he explodes and the explosion sends Zach flying a mile into the air at a hundred miles an hour. And when he's right at the top of his flying he looks into space and sees a huge alien invasion force with thousands of space ships covered in lazer guns and ion shooters and plasmatillary explosive launchers with other ships that are just super quarkbombs with the potential to destroy a whole solar system headed right for earth. And that's when Zak takes out his platinum back-up cell phone and calls the white house.

"What's up, fuckers? Who's the new president now that president Goldboard was killed ten minutes ago?" he asks, airsurfing.

"I am. My name is Skrull Tentacles."

"Really? You're a fucking alien and you've got something to do with this invasion force! I'm gonna get you!" And with that Zak slams his cell phone shut and starts swimming in the air back to earth at superspeed and then lands on the white house and smashes through the roof and right there is Skrull Tentacles holding a trigger bomb and he's about to explain that if Zak kills him all of earth will be destroyed but it's too late because Zack stomach punches him super hard and he throws up his alien guts and just before he dies Zak grabs him and pushes him against the wall and says -- "you better tell me the self destruct code for all those ships or I'm going to take you down!" But the evil president tells him there is no Self Destruct code! So Zak tosses him into the Texas A&M bonfire and grabs an emergency white house missile launcher and points it up and pulls the trigger and then grabs the missile as it flies away and Zak goes with it! Just then the secret service sees he's killed the president and have no choice but to put him on the kill on sight instantly list and launch 20 million huge black flying robot death machines that ironically Zak's father designed on the day Zak won his first ESPY when he was only 8 months old. Zak sees them coming and is like "Thanks a lot, Dad" just before he jumps off the flying missile right when it's over the the Eiffel tower and then the death machines and the missile hit the bottom of the tower and blows the eiffel tower into the air! Just then Zak is teleported into a giant spaceship the size of earth and there at the steering wheel is COMMANDANT BIZKIT and he has Zak's father right at the edge of a black hole from a black hole machine!

"Dad I thought you were dead!" says Zak with a tear in his eye right before smashing the faces of eight alien hyperguards guards together, knocking them out to death, and saying "I should have known you were behind this, COMMANDANT BIZKIT! You'll never succeed if I've got anything to do with it and I do!" Then Zak's father says "Take him out! I love you Zak!" with a tear in his eye. And COMMANDANT BIZKIT is half a nanosecond from dropping Zak's father Slam Casanova into that dark pit from which no return is possible because he can tell Zak loves earth even enough to doom his father when KASLICE a switchblade flies out of Zak's hi-tech carbon-fiber snowboarding boot into the eyeball of COMMANDANT BIZKIT and he dies instantly, and Zak leaps and grabs his dad's hands and yanks him just when he's about to turn into energy spaghetti.

"I always knew those special knife boots would come in handy," says Zak, then he mows down three hundred and seventy five thousand alien cyborg terminator frankenstiens with a sawed off shotgun with one hundred barrels blasting NON-depleted uranium shells at a million shells a minute that his dad gave him just then. KABLAM!!!!!! as the eiffel tower slams through the side of the spaceship and all the air starts rushing out and as Zak and Slam kick over the black hole machine and ride its exhaust back to earth then turn it off.

"We made it!" says Zak, and is about to chug a monster energy drink when his father says "I'm sorry son but I have to tell you-- I designed all those alien ships because I was kidnapped and, sadly, they made me." Zak says "I know-- but quick here's the real question, pops-- did you secretly design a self destruct code so those ships would fly into the sun instead of attacking earth if you sent the code into space!" And Zak's father says "yes and here it is-- 1234293485u123974t1`34ty132p847yt12p947y1p2934719y47123p974y1239 activate!" And at that second he's killed by an alien assassin's dart, which makes Zak flip out emotionally and he grabs the dart and activates the code and above him all the ships fly into the sun. And he grabs the assassin and says "how could you? I had the code and it was already too late! He didn't have to die!" But the alien has already taken cyanide.

Zak just stands there. The camera zooms in on his face, then he chugs the monster energy drink. "This has been such a crazy day, even for me," he says. "I miss you dad."

END OF MOVIE

Zebra Irony PSA

2009-01-07T23:11:00.000-08:00

SCENE: Africa. Everyone is Zebras.

BILL: Hey- Suzette?

SUZETTE: Bill! What's going on? I haven't seen you since we went to that big rave.

BILL: Yeah-- that's what I wanted to talk to you about.

SUZETTE: What do you mean?

BILL: I had promiscous sex at that rave with I don't know how many people.

SUZETTE: I heard that, actually.

BILL: I guess everybody did.

SUZETTE: Yeah. It was all over Africa.

BILL: What I wanted to tell you is that now I have low self confidence.

SUZETTE: Ouch.

BILL: So, my advice to you is, don't have crazy sex with multiple partners at a rave.

SUZETTE: Not that this exactly excuses it, but I remember you were high on lots of ecstasy at that rave. Maybe you should be feeling bad about that, and not the sex. The sex was a result of the illegal drug use.

BILL (directly to camera): I guess that's a good point...

FADE TO BLACK

FADE BACK UP TO REGULAR. A SPACEMAN WITH A CAT STANDS IN FRONT OF AFRICA.

SPACEMAN: The irony is that actually the ecstasy he was on was fake. Please, don't have promiscuous sex at a rave. Low self confidence will result when everyone finds out and thinks differently about you. Okay? Cool.

FADE TO BLACK.

Cat Irony PSA

2009-01-07T10:40:00.000-08:00

SCENE: The Cat Universe.

CAT: Meow. Where'd you get that black eye, little kitten?

KITTEN: Meow. I fell off of a tree I was hanging in on.

CAT: Really?

KITTEN (crying): Yes.

CAT: That's not true, is it? Your father beat the shit out of you, didn't he?

KITTEN (sobbing): Yes! But it was my fault. I deserved it.

CAT: What?!

KITTEN (in tears): I forgot to put away my toy mouse that I was playing with.

CAT: No! Little kittens NEVER deserve to get beat for something as small as that!

KITTEN (sobbing really hard): What am I supposed to do!? He's my father!!!

CAT (directly into camera): No!!!!!

FADE TO BLACK

FADE BACK UP TO REGULAR. A SPACEMAN ADDRESSES THE CAMERA IN FRONT OF THE CAT AND KITTEN.

SPACEMAN: Yes, that was so hilarious. But what if... it were people instead of cats? Please, don't beat your kids for little stuff. I traveled here to the Cat Dimension to teach us all a valuable lesson. I hope you learned it.

Thanks.

FADE TO BLACK

Dragon Irony PSA

2009-01-06T01:00:00.000-08:00

SCENE: The Dragon Planet

DRAGON: I am the king of all dragons.

DRAGON: No I am!

DRAGON: Let's fight about it and the winner will be king of all dragons!

SPACEMAN: Guys-- don't fight. I have traveled here from the planet of Earth, where fighting has destroyed us all. Nuclear bombs were used on every major city, but that was not enough. Soon nuclear bombs were used on medium-sized cities as well. Thousands of people were lost, but even that much destruction could not satisfy the hateful maw of our shortsightedness! The remaining nukes were used on small towns, and then small nuclear bombs were mailed to people who lived in rural areas. I escaped only because I was on a space mission to the earth moon. When I returned there were no humans left.

DRAGON: What are nuclear bombs? It sounds like that would be a great way for me to become the king of all dragons!

DRAGON: Tell us how to invent them!

SPACEMAN: What!? No! I'll never tell!

DRAGON: You will if we torture you with our firebreath.

SPACEMAN (directly into camera) No!!!!!

FADE TO BLACK.

FADE BACK UP TO REGULAR

DRAGON: Luckily this story is only a fiction. But... nuclear bombs are real. Please, write a letter to the president and tell him that he should throw away all of his nuclear bombs. Or the story of the Dragon Planet could come true.

FADE TO BLACK.

THE SNEAKY HEISTERS

2008-12-16T16:18:00.000-08:00

A manhattan bar. Three cabbies sit next to each other, talking about their nights. All of them are handsome young men.
Suddenly one of them stops the conversation. He is STORM, a male-model type with a fun beard.

STORM: Guys-- I'm through talking about being a cabbie. I've got another idea.

Another cabbie finishes his beer. He is NINO, a 25ish, thin hipster who was in the circus. He has a bandana.

NINO: What? We don't know anything besides being cab drivers.

The final cab driver nods his head in agreement. He is JAKE GYLENHAAL, and he's wearing dolche.

JAKE GYLENHAAL: I know what you mean though. All we ever do is sit in this bar and talk about our "fares."

STORM: You said it. So yesterday when I was driving people to places they wanted to go and taking money for it I got to thinking-- If I drive a cab forever I'll never be rich enough to do whatever I want. You just don't make enough cash..

NINO: I guess you're right. But what can we do about it? I was in the circus when I was younger, but that can't make me any money now that I'm 25, can it?

STORM: No, it can't. Here's my plan-- we rob a bank.

NINO: I'm listening.

JAKE GYLENHAAL: I'm not listening. I already have several criminal convictions for manslaughter. If my P.O., or parole officer, finds out I'm planning on robbing a bank he'll toss my ass back in the clink!

STORM: Well I guess we just won't tell him then.

NINO: My lips are sealed, Jakey.

JAKE GYLENHAAL: Okay I'm in. But no guns.

(angry silence)

STORM: Fine.

NINO: What bank should we rob?

STORM: I have it all figured out. We'll rob the....

The scene fades out as Storm spreads blueprints across the table.

CUT TO: A bank.

An old man in a yellow trenchcoat enters the bank. Music: Rape Me by Nirvana. The man is actually STORM. STORM goes up to a BANK TELLER.

OLD MAN/STORM: I'd like some money please.

The bank teller nods slowly. We realize the bank teller is actually NINO. NINO takes all the money in the bank and puts it into a bag.

BANK TELLER/NINO: Here you are sir. Thank you.

OLD MAN/STORM: No, thank you!

Mutual winks. Then OLD MAN/STORM turns to leave the bank. Just as he is about to leave a SECURITY GUARD stops him.

SECURITY GUARD: Excuse me a minute, sir.

OLD MAN/STORM stops, a scared look in his eyes.

SECURITY GUARD: I just wanted to make sure you got one of our free calendars.

OLD MAN/STORM: No, I didn't.

SECURITY GUARD: We'll why don't you take this one then.

OLD MAN/STORM: Thank you.

As the security guard hands OLD MAN/STORM not one but TWO bank calendars, we realize the security guard is actually JAKE GYLENHAAL.

SECURITY GUARD/ JAKE GYLENHAAL: No, thank YOU.

Mutual winks. Then OLD MAN/ STORM leaves the bank with the money bag. Behind him comes JAKE GYLENHALL and NINO, both pulling off their fake mustaches.

STORM: We made it. Nice work, you two.

NINO: Thanks. Let's get back to the bar and split this money up.

JAKE GYLENHAAL: I'm sorry. I can't let you do that.

STORM: What?!

JAKE GYLENHAAL pulls a gun.

JAKE GYLENHAAL: I'm a cop. You're both under arrest by the power vested in me by the state of New York.

NINO: The hell!

NINO reaches for his gun, only to realize that he didn't bring it.

NINO: That's why he said no guns!

STORM: Bastard. I should have known!

JAKE GYLENHAAL: Sorry. Now you guys are going downtown with me.

STORM: Run!

He throws the bag of money at JAKE GYLENHAAL'S gun. Then both STORM and NINO run for it. JAKE shoots at them but misses.

CUT TO: the bar from before. JAKE GYLENHAAL is there by himself. Suddenly a priest comes up to him.

PRIEST: Have you any sins to confess, my son?

JAKE GYLENHAAL: Yes. I'm a criminal thief.

PRIEST: Who cares?!

We realize that the priest is actually STORM.

PRIEST/STORM: You got my half of the money?

JAKE GYLENHAAL: Right here in this briefcase. Too bad about Nino.

PRIEST/STORM: I sort of feel guilty about my plan to double cross him.

JAKE GYLENHAAL: Don't. He got what he deserved. He was a rapist.

PRIEST/STORM: Really?

JAKE GYLENHAAL: I guess we'll never know. Here, take your briefcase.

PRIEST/ STORM: Thanks. I guess I'll be off. Although this whiskey I'm drinking is making me have to go to the bathroom. I'll go there first.

JAKE GYLENHAAL: Do what you want. After tonight, this is all over.

PRIEST/ STORM: Yeah.

PRIEST/STORM goes into the bathroom. Jake pulls out a remote control and presses a button and KABOOM the bathroom explodes.

JAKE GYLENHAAL: I forgot to tell you, Storm. That's not your money, that's a remote control bomb.

He smiles. Pan over to reveal the bartender, who nods at JAKE GYLENHAAL. We realize the bartender is actually NINO.

ROLL CREDITS.

TIME BOMB MAN

2008-11-20T15:51:00.000-08:00

GRANDFATHER: Bad news kids-- I used devil magic to release the fabled demon Time Bomb Man from his Crystal Prison in the 8th demension!

RICKY: Time Bomb Man!

SHARK: He's got the power to make time bombs with his eyes.

GRANDFATHER: Not only that but he has a special belt that lets him be able to read your minds!

RICKY: What were you thinking letting a monster like that out?

GRANDFATHER: You ever heard of AN ACCIDENT!?

SHARK: We have to get that belt.

GRANDFATHER: He was defeated ten thousand years ago by a hero who tricked him into going into the crystal prison.

RICKY: Smart. Shouldn't we get that belt?

GRANDFATHER: I guess you should! But be careful cause he can make time bombs with his eyes.

SHARK: We don't have time for this chatter! Let's get him.

CUT TO THE TIME BOMB CAVE

SHARK: We made it. Grandfather are you sure this is the place where the Time Bomb Man lives?

GRANDFATHER: As sure as I'll ever be.

RICKY: Look out a time bomb!

THEY LOOK OVER AND SEE A TIME BOMB THAT IS TICKING DOWN TO ZERO.

GRANDFATHER: Run!

THEY RUN.

SHARK: He must have made that time bomb with his eyes.

GRANDFATHER TRIPS

GRANDFATHER: Go on without me!

RICKY: No! Come with us!

SHARK: I'll you pick up and carry you!

THEY JUMP OUT OF THE CAVE JUST AS THE BOMB GOES OFF. THEY BARELY MAKE IT!

RICKY: Okay let's go back and fight Time Bomb Man.

THEY GO BACK IN.

RICKY: Look for Time Bombs!

GRANDFATHER: Do you have the holy water that can trick him into the crystal prison for another 8 thousand years?

SHARK: I have it right here in what looks like an ordinary thing of juice.

RICKY: You should get a girlfriend!

SHARK: Shut up! Not now!

GRANDFATHER: Okay let's go. Wait! It's a hidden door! Open it!

THEY OPEN IT.

SHARK: It's a hidden room. But wait it's made of time bombs! Run!

RICKY: No we have to defuse them!

GRANDFATHER: Yes! Quick, cut the blue wire!

SHARK: I did it!

RICKY: Wow-- only one half of a second left!

GRANDFATHER: You really CUT it close.

ALL: Laugh.

TIME BOMB MAN: Why must you destroy all my Time Bombs?

RICKY: Look out! Time Bomb Man!

SHARK: Jump him!

TIME BOMB MAN: Wait! I do not wish to harm you! Look at this blind fold... for it is true that although I can make Time Bombs with my eyes, I am still only a man.

RICKY: Grandfather, you said he was a demon!

SHARK: He is! Don't think any perverted thoughts! He's got that belt!

TIME BOMB MAN: I don't even have that belt on, because reading people's minds isn't right.

GRANDFATHER: I'm surprised to hear you say that.

TIME BOMB MAN: I have to use the bathroom.

HE LEAVES.

SHARK: I don't know if we can trust him-- I say we jump him!

RICKY: We should trust him! He's misunderstood.

GRANDFATHER: I've got it! We'll use his own belt against him! Find it!

SHARK: Here it is! Put it on Gramps!

TIME BOMB MAN: I'm back.

RICKY: Gramps does he want to time bomb us?

GRANDFATHER: No, he doesn't. And if fact he never did. It was just my plan to get this belt and you helped me! Now with mind reading powers I will control all the military!

SHARK: Gramps!

GRANDFATHER: Haha!

TIME BOMB MAN: I have to stop him! Kids, look out while I make Time Bombs with my eyes!

SHARK: Jump!

RICKY: Set them for one second! We're clear!

GRANDFATHER: No!!!

KABOOOOOOOM!!!!!

RICKY: Oh no-- it's looks like Time Bomb Man himself died in that blast he made to save us.

GRANDFATHER: But I lived! Ugh but there's rock dust in my mouth. Give me something to drink!

SHARK: Here take this juice.

GRANDFATHER: So Good! Oh wait no the crystal prison!!!!

RICKY: You did it Sharky! You did it!

SHARK: We made it. I miss the Time Bomb Man. He gave up everything to save us.

RICKY: Maybe you should get a girlfriend to stop missing him?

SHARK: Not again!

THE END

THE UNLUCKY SKULL ADVENTURE

2008-09-24T12:57:00.000-07:00

THE UNLUCKY SKULL ADVENTURE

A farm. ANDRE scatters some seeds. His younger brother TOM approaches.

TOM: Hey Andre! I just found a huge pile of human skulls in the barn!

ANDRE: Human skulls! But I've never seen any human skulls in the barn, and I've been milking cows there since I turned 9 three years ago!

TOM: But you always milk the cows at the front of the barn. I found the huge pile of skulls at the back!

ANDRE: What were you doing in the back of the barn?

TOM: A chicken got loose and I went back there to look for it.

ANDRE: Did you find it?

TOM: No-- but I did find a seven foot pile of human skulls!

ANDRE: Dad's going to tan our hides if he finds out we lost a chicken!

TOM: Don't you worry about Dad, Andre--- the pile of skulls talked into my brain and taught me special things. If Dad gets mad at us all I have to do is whisper a few strange words and he'll be paralyzed with visions that contain real horrible sights, and then his brain will gush out through his nose like water from the crick and he'll be gone forever.

ANDRE: You can't kill dad!

TOM: We don't need a dad anymore. The pile of skulls will protect us. All we have to do is add Dad's bloody skull to the pile.

ANDRE: Please don't kill our Dad.

TOM: Well here comes the wagon. I guess it's time.

ANDRE: Please just wait. Tell him about the chicken later.

TOM: Fine. But we have to give a human skull to the pile and if we can't have Dad's we're going to have to kill someone else.

ANDRE: No!

DAD arrives.

DAD: Hey boys! You been good while I was away?

ANDRE: We've been good.

TOM (whispering): Grash ni liatum Grivnoch Grash ni liatum Grivnoch Grivnoch...

Tom's eyes are filled with blood and his lips have turned black. Sweat drips from his forehead. His hands tremble.

ANDRE: No!

DAD: WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME! AAAAAAAAGHGAHHH

Their Dad tears his eyes out while screaming and screaming.

DAD: Noooo!!!!!! Please no!!!!

ANDRE: Dad I love you!

Suddenly Dad falls silent. Seconds later, his brain gushes out of his nose like water from a firehose, drenching the two boys. TOM exults.

TOM: It worked! It worked! Thank you giant pile of human skulls!

ANDRE Crying and afraid: Why did you do that? You said you wouldn't!

TOM: Well I didn't want to, but the giant pile of human skulls needs more skulls! You have to understand that, Andre. And you have to help me get Dad's skull and give it to the pile.

ANDRE: I won't! Tom, how could you?

TOM: I HAD TO. The pile of skulls wants more skulls! Maybe I should give it yours!

ANDRE: Tom... Tom...

TOM: Go get me a knife!

ANDRE: I don't want to....

TOM: Grash ni.... Don't make me do this, Andre.

ANDRE: I'll do it! I'll get a knife.

TOM: Good. Good boy.

Andre leaves. Tom laughs and looks around.

CUT TO:
Andre enters the rustic prairie kitchen and pulls a sharp knife out of a drawer. He tries to kill himself with it by slitting his own throat but he is too much of a coward and can't do it. He cries and cries. Then he opens the screen door and steps out.

TOM: You get that knife?

ANDRE: It's here.

TOM: Good. Now do it.

He motions to the body.

ANDRE: I don't want to.

TOM: You do it now.

Andre bends over his dead father with the knife. He's about to start cutting, when suddenly his DAD's eyes spring wide open.

DAD: Boo!

ANDRE: AAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!

TOM: PRANKED!

DAD: PRANKED!

TOM: You bought it! We totally pranked you!

DAD: HAHAHAHAH!!

The are both falling over themselves laughing. Andre huddles on the ground with the knife.

DAD: Don't you get it, son? It was all a trick! I never died!

TOM: There's no giant pile of skulls in the barn! It was all a prank!

DAD: You FOOL.

TOM: What a dummy! Hey Andre, you want to buy the Brooklyn bridge? Ha!

TOM and DAD look at each other and laugh some more. Then they turn to Andre.

ANDRE: So... you didn't lose a chicken?

He smiles weakly. Roll Credits

SWIMMING POOL--short film

2008-08-17T19:41:00.000-07:00

A public swimming pool. Day.

LORGO: I bought this swimming pool from the cash-strapped city, and now I'm going to run it into the ground!

HENCHMAN 1: Perfect plan, Lord Lorgo.

LORGO: The fools that run the municipal pool system appear to have forgotten how they betrayed me when I was a youth lifeguard!

HENCHMAN 2: Sir, I've got the poison ready.

HENCHMAN 3: Shall I pour it in the pool?

LORGO: Not just yet. Our first step is a little more.... subtle.

HENCHMAN 4: What is it?

LORGO: Overchlorination.

HENCHMAN 5: They'll stay away in droves!

LORGO: Exactly.

HENCHMAN 6: Stinging eyes!

LORGO: Shut up! I just realized how stupid this is!

HENCHMAN 7: It is stupid.

HENCHMAN 8: Start with the poison. Who are you going to poison if everyone's staying away?

LORGO: The whole thing is stupid.

HENCHMAN 9: But you were a betrayed lifeguard.

LORGO: Yes, they fired me. And, no, I still don't think I deserve it. But that was so long ago. Those people don't even work for the municipal pool system anymore, probably.

HENCHMAN 10: This turnaround is remarkably fast.

HENCHMAN 11: I was just thinking that.

LORGO: What am I supposed to do? Poison people when I know how stupid it is?

HENCHMAN 12: Then what are you going to do with the pool?

LORGO: I need time to think. Let's go get shakes.

Later at The Burger Nurse.

HENCHMAN 13: Forgive me for saying this, but what if you just ran the pool normally?

LORGO: I could be the chief lifeguard!

HENCHMAN 14: We could all be the secondary lifeguards.

LORGO: Exactly. We'll chorinate it just the right amount.

HENCHMAN 15: Wait, what?

LORGO: We'll do the job they never could. The fools!

HENCHMAN 16: That's actually also stupid.

LORGO: I know. But obviously I can't just poison anyone who goes to the pool.

HENCHMAN 17: (silence)

LORGO: Do I just walk away from the whole situation? And go back to Mount Uraguay?

HENCHMAN 18: I feel sick to my stomach.

LORGO: (sigh)

HENCHMAN 19: Obviously you should do what you want. You're the boss.

LORGO: I'm sorry to put this on you guys.

HENCHMAN 20: Don't worry about us right now. Worry about you.

HENCHMAN 21: We'll support you no matter what. That's our job.

LORGO: Oh god.

HENCHMAN 22 (bitterly sarcastic): Sure, because now that Operation Pool is gone I'm sure he has a lot of use for all of us. What the fuck, Lord Lorgo!

HENCHMAN 23: That's a cheap shot. We're all being cool about this-- just give the man some time.

LORGO: Please know that I support this whole team--

HENCHMAN 24: I just set fire to that bitch waitress! Let's get out of here!

HENCHMAN 25: Run!

Later. Back at the public swimming pool. The sun begins to set.

HENCHMAN 26: We made it.

HENCHMAN 27: Are we all here?

HENCHMAN 28: Yep.

HENCHMAN 29: Wait a second-- where's Master Lorgo?

HENCHMAN 30 (Bitterly sarcastic): Who gives a shit?

LORGO: Hey guys! That was crazy! I feel so alive.

HENCHMAN 31: Hey Lorgo. We thought we'd lost you.

LORGO: Not a chance. I'm wiley.

HENCHMAN 32: Did you have a chance to think?

LORGO: Not really. You mean about the future? I thought about it but it didn't lead anywhere.

HENCHMAN 33: I hate this holding pattern.

LORGO: I'm sorry for that. I just realized I'm being really rude--why don't we all meet up tomorrow and I promise I'll have further instructions then, okay? Everyone?

HENCHMEN: Okay, sounds good.

LORGO: See you tomorrow. And remember-- no running at the pool!

HENCHMEN: hahahaha.

LORGO: Just kidding, you can run. That part of my life is gone now. Gone.

HENCHMAN 34: Good luck, boss. Call me if you need anything.

LORGO: I need a friend.

HENCHMAN 35: What was that, boss?

LORGO: Nothing. Good night, guys.

HENCHMAN 36: Night.

Jump Around Jumpin' Jam!

2008-08-07T15:11:00.000-07:00

It's Christmas in LilFurry Grove, and all the animals are getting ready to do their favorite thing: The Christmas Dance! The bears shake, the snakes shimmy, and the Zebras get down to the xylophone! It's the one day of the year when all the animals gather together and become close friends, and every one is welcome to the Jump Around Jumpin Jam!

(Music- squeebally dooo, squeebally deee! Dancin in the forest is the way for me!)

And that's where I come in-- I'm Pokey The Turtle, and this year it's my turn to make sure the Jump Around Jumpin' Christmas Jam goes off without a hitch. Right now I've only got two problems, but boy are they big! For one thing, I've been captured by a mean little boy who lives near the forest! I might not escape in time for Christmas-- or at all! And for the other thing, my father is now gay and I hate him for it, because he betrayed my mom!

(Music- squibbely Wow, Squibbely Now! My dad is gay and that's horrible!)

So can I escape this glass cage and find my way to The Christmas Jump Around Jumping Dance? I certainly hope so! And if I can, will I get there in time to denounce my father in front of everyone!? I certainly hope so too! If he can't face the consequences of his actions maybe I should help him!

(Music- Squab Squabely Blam! Jason's dad has a gun and I know where it is.)

The Jump Around Jumpin' Jam-- Coming this November. Check it out!

Reneblade!

2008-06-30T08:13:00.000-07:00

A Police Station. Two grizzled veteran detectives eat cup a noodles.

DETECTIVE SNYDER
Look, the recent stabbings of famous good-hearted philanthropists are clearly done by the very best. The stabbings have the kind of perfection you and I have seen only once before. I say, the man behind these stabbings is Reneblade himself!

DETECTIVE SHAW
That's impossible, detective! Reneblade is locked up in maximum security prison at the Magnumhammer Penitentiary on the top of Mount Danger. He could never escape.

DETECTIVE SNYDER
He's the best stabber the world has ever seen. He's one in a million. And something tells me he's got a hand in this. I'm going there now!

CUT TO Magnumhammer Federal Penitentiary. Basically a seven story ball of poisoned barb wire with two tiny cells in the center, one for famed stabber Rene Cutmann, and the other for the criminal mastermind known only as "King Murder."

Detective Snyder stands in front of Rene's cell. Rene is doing hundreds of pushups one handed. He's unbelievably handsome, and the piercing look in his eye is that of the world's premier expert on knives, stabbing and cutting. He's a total badass, and he has somehow aquired a black leather jacket in prison. He looks hunky.

DETECTIVE SNYDER
Rene. Rene Cutmann. The one they call the "Reneblade."

RENEBLADE
Detective Snyder-- you dumb asshole.

DETECTIVE SNYDER
There's been more murders, Reneblade. And even though you're locked up in here, I know you're responsible.

RENEBLADE
I'm not responsible for shit, you fucking moron. And that hat makes you look like a botched abortion.

DETECTIVE SNYDER
These crimes- only you could have done them. All those poor philanthropists- cut down in the prime of their lives.

RENEBLADE
When I was active-- when Rupert Murdoch fired me from the knife circus because of my love of nature, and I was forced to stab for cash for me and the other unemployeed circus employees, I never stole from anyone who couldn't afford it. And the one person who did wind up dead died by accident, as I kept saying again and again during my show trial. I'm a master of knife stabbing with any edged weapon, detective Snyder. But I'm no killer. I'm just a man. A man who had a family once, and who still has a daughter I refuse to let see me because of how I don't want her to see me like this. And I've been here for three long years, Snyder-- three years for a cutting I didn't commit, for an accident I had no control over. My trial wasn't fair, because the newspapers used my circus stage name, The Reneblade, to influence those stupid jurors. But now, after three years in this hell with no one to keep me company, I've become what you and the newpapers wanted me to be. Rene Cutmann is dead now, never to return, and all that's left is the best knife man anybody's ever heard of-- The Reneblade. That's who I am now- I don't think there's anything left for the old me in this cold, horrid world. Nothing but my mastery of cutting and stabbing and my unquenchable thirst for justice, not just for me but for all the world's downtrodden and poor. It's about time, Detective Snyder, that someone stood up for the little people that big corporations are contantly downtrodding. If there was anyway I could escape from this prison I would dedicate my life to that-- to helping people by fighting against the system. And thus I would earn my name, The Reneblade, by being what the name is from, the word renegade, and, also, using knives to accomplish my goals. So I ask you this, Detective Snyder: why, oh why, would I, who wants to help people, kill philantropists? Think about it! And how would I get out of this giant prison? Yes, I might be a master of all things bladed and cutting, but I'm no wizard-- anyone can see this prison is unescapable! And you're supposing I'm escaping it, somehow getting down to the bottom of it despite the fact that it's the world's most dangerous mountain, and then assassinating philanthropists, people who are in fact on my side? And then sneaking back into the hellish prison?! Look in the mirror and realize how stupid you are being, you fucking asshole. First you convict and send me to prison on bullshit charges, then, you come here and accuse me of hurting beloved philanthropists, the one type of people who have money and aren't afraid to use it to help people instead of buying ANOTHER yacht? Oh man, Snyder. This is a new low. A new fucking low. Even for you. I wish I could say I was surprised. And I wish I could reach through those bars and slap some sense into you. But on the other hand, I understand, since you just want to stop this wretched spate of philanthropist murders, and you're at the end of your rope since every time he stabs someone it's a perfect crime. I wish I could stop him too, but I can't because I'm in bullshit jail.

DETECTIVE SNYDER
You make a good point, Reneblade.

RENEBLADE
I always did, detective.

BOTH
Ha Ha Ha Ha HA!

DETECTIVE SNYDER
I just had a realization. Obviously you aren't the mysterious cutmaster I'm desperate to catch. But perhaps you, with your mastery of cutting, could use that to help me catch him.

RENEBLADE
He's giving knife people a bad name. I'll do it. But I'm going to want my freedom in return.

DETECTIVE SNYDER (unlocking cell)
Fine. But if you fail me you're never getting out of this cell.

RENEBLADE (stepping out of cell)
Ah, the sweet taste of freedom. Now let's catch this mother.

DETECTIVE SNYDER
Is there anything you need to catch him?

RENEBLADE
I'm going to need a bunch of knives.

CUT TO BLACK.

ROLL OPENING CREDITS with music.

SKI SCHOOL

2008-06-15T13:05:00.000-07:00

PIERRE: Hello class! Welcome to Ski School.

CLASS: Yeah!

PIERRE: You've been selected to join this school because you are the best skiers in the entire world. Claude Monet-- you raced down the Matterhorn and saved a village from an avalanche. Sean Bean-- you invented hand skiing. Tony Kushner-- you taught a nation how to cry, and you did so without leaving the slopes. And those are just the first three on my list: everyone here, all 25 of you, could tell an amazing story about skiing, or skis, or ski jumps. You're an inspiration.

CLASS: Yeah!

PIERRE: So why do I get to be your teacher? Two reasons--One: I've got a teaching degree. Two: I'm the founder of Mountain High, the most prestigious ski school in history. Last week three magazines referred to my school as "The Harvard of Skiing." Two magazines called it "The Oxford of the Mountains" and one magazine, "Ski Education Yearly," called it "A positive Snow Sorbonne!" Yesterday I taught a horse to telemark in less than half an hour. I'm the best skiing instructor there ever was, and, according to a crippled gypsy fortune teller I'm acquainted with, I'm the the best ski instructor there ever will be. And she told me that before I taught to her to telemark in less than half an hour. So who wants to get started? Who wants to LEARN!

CLASS: We do!

PIERRE: Then come here and I'll hand out your skis!

The class goes over to the big box of skis, and Pierre starts handing them out.

PIERRE: You're Pete Fountain, right?

PETE: That's right, instructor. You may remember my story-- I skied all the way from Alaska to Peru while tracking an elusive murderer.

PIERRE: Of course I remember. Your final showdown made national news.

PETE: That was me all right!

PIERRE: Here, these are your skis.

PETE: What? These skis are so small! They're the size of postage stamps!

PIERRE: Trust me-- if you had had those skis you would have caught up to the Nome Strangler a little bit sooner than Peru!

PETE: Fine.

Pete leaves, holding carefully to his tiny skis.

PIERRE: And now you, Ms. Sirtis.

MARINA: There's only one ski!

PIERRE: Yes- they said after you jumped over K2 on rockets skis that you were the best skier that ever lived in history, or that ever will live. But what if you were the best skier on only one ski?

MARINA: Damn! That would be great!

PIERRE: No swearing on my mountain! That's your first and last warning.

MARINA: I'm sorry.

PIERRE: NEXT!

Marina leaves, tears in her eyes.

WALLACE: Hi Pierre! I'm Wallace Shawn. Thanks for letting me into your ski club, even though the only thing I ever did for skiing was naming my Daft-Punk style electronic music group "Chairlift." I don't even ski, and hate snow and mountains.

PIERRE: Your electronic hip-hopunk is legendary and betrays an innate ability to shred on skis. Trust me-- you belong here.

WALLACE: Thanks, man.

PIERRE: Here are your skis-- you'll notice they're made out of bones.

WALLACE: They are, aren't they?

PIERRE: These are polar bear bones.

WALLACE: Interesting.

PIERRE: I knew you'd like them. Next!

Montage. Pierre hands outs out weird skis to the remaining members of his ski class. Then they all take off down the mountain. Even though they are all expert skiers, soon they are all openly weeping. Many piss themselves. Then they all get even better at skiing, except Wallace Shawn, who is shot by a confused hunter and dies horribly at the very beginning of the montage. End Montage. CUT TO

A sumptuous ski lodge. A bonfire burns next to a hot tub. A table laden with exotic rich foods like caviar and buffalo burgers sits next to them both. All the skiers (minus Wallace Shawn), lounge about, exhausted but excited. Pierre is among those in the hot tub. He has a glass of champagne, a pair of skis, and ray bans.

PIERRE: We work hard and we play hard!

CLASS: Yeah!

PIERRE: Tomorrow we're all going to be even better skiers!

CLASS: Yes!

PIERRE: But for now let's get drunk! Everyone piss in the hot tub! Everyone! Everyone come over here and make this hot tub full of pee instead of water!

PETER KRAUSE: But you're in there.

PIERRE: I don't care! It will be hilarious! Just do it cause we worked so hard all day and learned a lot!

BRET McKENZIE: That's sort of gross.

PIERRE: Just do it! It will be so funny. Bret, you didn't say it was "gross" when you ski'd across a frozen ocean to bring soup to those people trapped in a ship! Pee in the hot tub! Everyone just pee in here! I'm in here! Think of the happy memories this will generate!

Everyone leaves.

The Gardening Store

2008-05-25T15:11:00.000-07:00

FRANKLIN:
This gardening store is so boring.

GRACE: It sure is! I don't like working here-- I wish there was something we could do.

FRANKLIN: Maybe there is!! Let's burn this place to ashes!

GRACE: I'll improvise a flamethrower from this pesticide sprayer and this can of gasoline!

FRANKLIN: I'll kill the security guards!

(Time lapse): A baby plant emerges from soil, grows, and then bursts into flower, then is set on fire.

GRACE: Franklin, you're back! I'm having a lot of trouble with this improvised flame thrower...

FRANKLIN: I killed all the guards!

GRACE: Well, I don't think the flame thrower is happening. So....

FRANKLIN: I drowned them, Grace. I drowned them all.

GRACE: What do you want me to say? This is impossible!

FRANKLIN: Okay... we'll figure out another way to burn down this gardening store.

GRACE: I already smell like gasoline.

FRANKLIN: Well then I'll do it. Give me that gasoline!

GRACE: Don't! I was bored before, but trying to make the flame thrower was fun and now I don't hate this job anymore! And I realize that I need it to pay for my kids!

FRANKLIN: We've all got kids, Grace! I have three little boys! But if we don't burn down this damn gardening store and destroy the security tapes inside I am going to go to JAIL!!! And what will happen to my kids then? They'll be raised by their mom!

GRACE: What's wrong with that! Heather is a charming woman!

FRANKLIN: Kids need a father! And I'm the only one they've got!

GRACE: They'll be fine!

FRANKLIN: Don't you tell me how to raise my kids! I'm gonna burn down this gardening store!

GRACE: Don't do it!

FRANKLIN: LISTEN TO ME! I don't have any choice!!

GRACE EVERYONE HAS A CHOICE! AND YOU CHOSE TO KILL THOSE SECURITY GUARDS! AND NOW YOU''LL HAVE TO LIVE WITH THAT CHOICE!!

FRANKLIN: Not if I burn down this gardening store!

GRACE: Look out a dragon!!!

A giant dragon with green scales and sick, evil eyes swoops down from the sky and lands with a crash on the roof of the gardening store. It takes one look at Franklin and Grace, who are like ants in comparison to its massive size, then turns to the side and vomits bloody fire all over the gardening store. The whole building goes up in flames, and as it does so the dragon continues to dry-heave while clutching it's tender belly with it's huge paws. The dragon tries to fly away but is caught in the flames and dies. As it perishes, it seems to cast an angry look over at Grace and Frank-- this is all their fault.

GRACE: That dead dragon has golden claws! Looks like I don't need to keep this job at the gardening store after all!

FRANKLIN: And the fire surely destroyed the security camera footage of me killing those security guards.

GRACE: Both our problems are solved.

FRANKLIN: But... but...

GRACE: I know...

FRANKLIN: A precious dragon had to die.

Boss Garger arrives.

BOSS GARGER: Oh god! My gardening store is ruined!

FRANKLIN: Don't worry-- the claws are made of gold.

BOSS GARGER: Still, though. I put all my life into that gardening store.

GRACE: And I have dibs on the claws.

FRANKLIN: There are enough claws to share.

BOSS GARGER: Why didn't the security guards stop the dragon?

Silence.

FRANKLIN: Perhaps....

BOSS GARGER:.. perhaps they realized that dragons...

GRACE: They're dead, Garger.

FRANKlN: The... the dragon killed them.

BOSS GARGER: It all makes sense.

Together they all stare at the burning gardening store. Night falls.

Pan to reveal Gandalf on top of The Empire State building.

GANDALF: If only they knew the long history of that dragon. But I can't tell them, because of wizard rules.

Then, directly to camera:

GANDALF (cont.) But I can tell you! Because you, the viewer, exist outside of the magical world of story. Imagine, if you will, a big mountain made out of rocks and covered with snow and trees. There, almost 5,000 years ago, is where the story begins.

CUT TO: The mountain.

GANDALF: (VO) I was there, in a secret cave, watching two dragons doing it-- they were making love to each other, if you can imagine that. I don't have to imagine.

We see Gandalf in a cave. He's breathing heavy and not wearing a shirt. We see he's watching two giant dragons having sex in crazy ways-- position that are insane, and that only dragons could ever do. Incredible.

GANDALF: (VO) I was there.

The dragons french kiss, their long serpentine tongues intertwining and forming a tangled tongue knot.

GANDALF: Uh oh!

GANDALF'S BROTHER: They'll be stuck together!

GANDALF: I know! They'll never get unstuck!

The dragons try to separate but they can't. They both start to cry and get depressed.

GANDALF: I'll save them!

Gandalf hops on his broom and flies out to the dragons, who at this point are wishing they were dead because their tongues hurt so much, and for a dragon there's nothing worse.

GANDALF: HEY DRAGONS!

The dragons look confused.

GANDALF: Ooops! I wasn't speaking dragon.

GANDALF: (in dragon) (screaming) GLORG SMORG BORG JIORG BMROELD AGAND ASWORD GRAGHHHHHH!!! BARGLE MARG FARLG SCRALD. SKARK BLSARG HARGARLIMARK!!!! SLARM BLARKIRNGSKARK! GLAKLE BARGLE MARG MRAKILGARCH! CHARKADARK!

GANDALF (VO): What I told the dragons was that I would untie their tongues if they gave me a free dragon baby that I could have as my slave for life.

The dragons relunctantly nod, and Gandalf jubilantly flies to the sky and makes fireworks appear.

GANDALF
I was so happy. Later, I killed both the dragons. And I used their baby for my slave.

CUT TO: The Gardening store-- the police and fire departments have arrived. Franklin is talking to the sheriff.

FRANKLIN: And then the dragon landed on the building and it burned up with the building.

SHERIFF: What about the claws of the dragon? What happened to those?

GRACE: I don't know.

SHERIFF: Well, who cares? After all...

Reveal the sheriff is Gandalf in a sheriff costume

...who cares about dragons? All they're good for is slaves, anyway!

He winks directly at the camera and laughs.

THE END

FIGHT SPACE: COMPUTERCONTROL 6 BILLION

2008-05-01T19:39:00.000-07:00

Alternate title: ComputerVision 2010

Fade in from black.

An aerial view of the PENTAGON. As usual there's army guys running around it and tanks and shit parked out back. But then instead of zooming in slowly on a window to find a pacing four star general, we actually pull the fuck OUT, back, back, back away from EARTH and into OUTER SPACE. The Pentagon isn't even a SPECK. We pull right through some kind of dark hole in the stars, and pull back to see a fucking amazing sight that blows minds: it's the SPACE PENTAGON!! Yes, the space pentagon, which you didn't even know about. It's the exact same size as the earth pentagon, only the back half has JETS instead of sub basements and it's surrounded by glinty weaving space fighters, strangley shaped alien starships, and spacetanks.

A sign says: SPACE PENTAGON: Built with the money from Iraq that everyone thought was wasted.

Push in to a window on the pentagon. Inside, the solar system's only 28 star general paces back and fourth. He is an old man but he could kick your ass. And his name is General CRIMSON JAMMER.

An ALIEN bursts into the room. It seems like he might be ON FIRE, but it's only because he is an alien and his emotions express themselves by how much it looks like he's on fire. He is half cat, at least.

ALIEN: General Jammer! The Argotrons are attacking and they want earth for their galactic space nation!

JAMMER: Dammit, Alien! I told you this was going to happen! To the space jets!

The General and the alien and a hundred other people run to the hanger, where they get into space jets and fly out into space. There, in space, are many ARGOTRON SPACESHIPS, which look like metal viking ships with PLASMATILLARY EJECTORS mounted on their GRAVITY MOTIVATOR drives.

GENERAL (over intercom) We've got to kill all these Argotrons, or the Earth is HISTORY. And the FUTURE of Earth is EVERYONE IS SLAVES.

ALIEN: The general's right! Launch Lasers on my mark....hold....hold you bastards... NOW!!! LAUNCH LASERS!

All the space jets launch their lasers directly at the Argotron ships. All the Argotron ships EXPLODE, with the exception of one. The one that does not explode appears to me MADE OF GOLD.

ALIEN (He really looks like he's on fire) We've destroyed them all, General Jammer! All the Argotrons are DEAD!

GENERAL: Almost-- it looks like there's STILL ONE LEFT!!!

ALIEN: But our weapons should have-- what?!?!

GENERAL: Don't worry-- My lasers are pointed RIGHT AT THAT SHIP and in a second I'll use them to KILL EVERYONE ON BOARD.

Suddenly the general is interupted by a holographic message display on his dashboard. It's an ARGOTRON and he's BLEEDING ALL OVER THE PLACE!

GENERAL: Wait-- hold on!!! An Argotron on that ship is trying to contact me-- perhaps we can get some information from him!

ALIEN: Good idea!

GENERAL: Speak, Argotron!

ARGOTRON: I am prince Cyberblast, the last remaining Prince of Argotronia. You scored a direct hit on my ship and my life supprt system is failing and so I thought I must explain before I die why we entered your earthspace-- you see we are fleeing from a great space army that has defeated all of Argotronia and that force is the Sataliens from Planet Dante!

GENERAL: I've never heard of them in all my space research!

ARGOTRON: That's because the Sataliens are conquering the galaxy even faster than word can spread of their evil! When they destroyed our home planet I knew the only ones who could beat them was the americans in the space pentagon, because truly you are such legendary fighters, and you love freedom.

GENERAL: You bet your ass we're great fighters and love freedom!.

ARGOTRON (dying): I did bet my ass-- and it seems... I both won... and lost... the bet. When you...destroyed me. Irony is unknown among my people, but I think, now, I understand...

GENERAL: Don't you die on me, soldier! You dock with the space pentagon and our docs will save you!

ARGOTRON: It's far too late for me now...but... before I go I must tell you the only way to defeat the Sataliens which we discovered after they destroyed us...

GENERAL: What is it?!?!

ARGOTRON: The secret... is.... water...

He dies.

GENERAL: Damn it!
(A single tear falls down his cheek)

ALIEN: Water?? It sounds like a trap.

GENERAL: I don't pay you to think, Alien. Call up the president from the regular Pentagon. I think he's going to want to hear about this...

ALIEN: Yes sir.

The golden space ship Explodes and we transition to...

OPENING CREDITS.

ATOMIC SUPER HITLER (storyboard)

2008-04-26T10:52:00.000-07:00

Another tip for aspiring famous screenwriters-- sometimes it helps to make a graphic version of your story before (or even after) you write.

Take a look.

Another friendly reminder-- all the work I do on this site is my property. No matter how much you want to, do not violate my copyright and spend millions of dollars making my screenplays into big budget mega blockbusters without paying me.

Thanks.

THE GRAVEYARD (a stageplay)

2008-03-13T13:27:00.000-07:00

[Hey guys-- you all know I love to write screenplays, but many of you may not know that I got my start writing hit regular plays for my college's one-act play festival. And ever since I really got into screenwriting I've made an effort to go back to stagewriting every once in a while to keep in touch with my roots. I find it helps me hone my sense of dialog, pacing, and costumes.

Below is the first bit of my latest effort-- I hope you appreciate it!}

SCENE: A dark night. Of course: it’s in a graveyard. Lightning crashes over a tomb. Enter Frakes and Jonathan, two middle-aged graverobbers with top hats and a shovel.

FRAKES: Ho ho! We’ve returned to the crumblin’ yard of those delifed for a’ to defile them.

JONATHAN: Aye, the precious gold with which they’re sunk soon in our grasp will be.

FRAKES: For what use have corpses for shine and pomp in this cold cemet’ry?

JONATHAN: None indeed, Frakes. Attend at that—there be the fresh dug grave of Old Mike Dorn, who wore one hundred jewels in hair and hat.

FRAKES: True. He had jewels indeed, and many of ‘em, but for him most dear was a shining vest, that with gold and silver thread and gems of orient did encase his hearty breast.

JONATHAN: To tell me of this vest there is no need! Well renown and certain precious was it.

FRAKES: Then take your shovel and dig my friend, whilst I whistle “Eazy Duz It.”

Jonathon digs into the fresh dug grave while Frakes skillfully whistles.

JONATHAN: Remind me Frakes—I’m given pause: how was poor old Mike entrapped in death’s cold stinking jaws?

FRAKES: Death’s embrace as sure as sin, and method matters not. Who cares if mankind die of gout, of rabies or blood clot?

JONATHAN: (To audience) Tis well thought, and well said.

JONATHAN SHOVEL STRIKES SOMETHING. LIGHTENING CRASHES.

JONATHAN: I’ve struck the box, the hardest work is done.

FRAKES: Now tis time to do what we graverobbers think is fun.

JONATHAN: Pull the crate out. Crack the lid. He’s got the vest we want, so let’s divest him of it.

A GHOST ENTERS. THE GHOST CARRIES A LONGSWORD.

GHOST: Touch not that sealed cask! Or I, the ghost of one of history’s greatest warriors, as well as these other eleven ghost warriors--

ELEVEN OTHER GHOST WARRIORS ENTER
TANDEM: A Japanese female with an axe.
CROCUX: A huge, bejeweled Irishmen with a bo staff.
BAROOM: A Native American woman with a bow and arrow.
SLAZZIF: A Viking man with a spear.
SINMAP: A male kung-fu fighter with a bucket of acid.
BARKSLIN: A male kung fu fighter with electric “stun”-chucks.
RASTAR: A Jamaican with a boombox.
NAPOLEAN: An Englishman with a rapier.
BLANE: An American woman from the hood. She has a guitar. Are there weapons inside it?
FORKO: A Russian with an exploding sledgehammer.
LIPPI DIPPI: A wizard with a cat that can change size.

GHOST: (continued)—will be unable to determine the greatest warrior of all of history in an incredible battle tournament unlike any the world has ever seen! For within that coffin lies “EANNILLTON” the warrior sword, which was infused with the spirit of Battle itself! That coffin shall be opened by the warrior that wins our incredible battle tournament, and that warrior shall be declared “HISTORY’S GREATEST WARRIOR.”

BOTH THE GRAVEROBBERS ARE STUNNED. EVENTUALLY FRAKES SPEAKS.

FRAKES: Is this not the grave of Micheal Dorn, he of the shining vest?

FORKO: That vest is only one of twenty forms Eannillton does possess.

JONATHAN: Methinks out of our depth we be! Frakes, lets us retire home and rob these graves some other night.

FRAKES: I’m sure you're true, my robbing friend.
But something odd does cross my mind— Hand me the shovel. I think I’ll fight!

SLAZZIF: He joins us!

LIGHTING CRASHES.

CROCUX: THEN LET THE ULTIMATE BATTLE……….....BEGIN!!

NIGHT ON MONKEY MOUNTAIN 6

2008-03-08T16:34:00.000-08:00

MARGOT: Hey. Let's play this board game called Night on Monkey Mountain.

BELL: What's it about?

MARGOT:It's about some of the terrifying events that have occurred on Monkey Mountain, down in the Amazonian jungle.

BELL: What kind of events?

MARGOT: Can you imagine a monkey with terrifying huge teeth, giant claws, and a look in his eye that indicates clearly that he has a craving for the delicious taste of human blood?

BELL: Yes.

MARGOT: How about a jaguar?

BELL: Yes.

MARGOT: Well, the game is about events involving those.

BELL: I guess that sounds alright. But I have my swimming lessons in 45 minutes.

MARGOT: Well the game only takes 40 minutes.

BELL: I have to be there in 45 minutes. Which means I have to leave in 30 minutes.

MARGOT: We could try to play fast. Like a fast game?

BELL: I think I'm going to just keep watching this one video.

BELL: Alright.

MARGOT: Okay.

Margot stares down at the board game box. Zoom in to show the box, which features an injured couple covered in blood fighting off wave after wave of predator monkeys, jaguars, and what appears to be jaguar-monkey hybrid combinations. Many of them are throwing pinecones at the couple, and others, dressed in dark robes, are concentrating really hard trying to blow them up. And in the background and headed toward them is a giant robot Monkguar breathing fire-- is it made out of blimp parts?!

The man in the couple looks afraid but strong- his cartoon face seems to say, "It won't be easy but we can do it."
And the woman, who's beautiful and wearing a tank top, is holding off a monkey with one hand and has her other arm wrapped around the man. She's looking up at him, and you can see she's thinking "Our love has given me the strength to get us through this. And even if it doesn't, even if we die here, at least we had our love for as long as it lasted." And the man, who's strong arm is clenched around the woman's waist in a way that shows that he really, really, cares about her despite the quirks others might call flaws, is thinking the same thing. He'd do anything for her. They'll be together for as long as they live, whether it's five more seconds or fifty more years.

And in the corner of the box there's an inset picture of two young girls, both about Margot's age, playing the game. They are both smiling and looking so happy.

Margot breathes out, slowly.

ROLL CREDITS

Final Amazing scene after credits: Two monkeys play the board game.

NIGHT ON MONKEY MOUNTAIN 5

2008-02-28T12:42:00.000-08:00

CHRIS: Why did we decide to honeymoon here on Monkey Mountain again?

MARCY: It was literally the very cheapest honeymoon package they offered.

CHRIS: I guess with this anti-monkey spray and this ultrasonic-jaguar-be-gone device we've got nothing to worry about, really.

MARCY: Yeah. And the scenery is tight.

CHRIS: Wait-- what if the jaguars or the monkeys figure out a way to get around the spray or the ultrasonic deterrent? In the stories I've heard they're quite terrifying.

MARCY: Yeah, and what if parrots learns how to shoot guns? Or what if that jungle vine comes to life and strangles us to death?

CHRIS: Obviously you haven't heard the same bone-chilling tales as I have about Monkey Mountain.

MARCY: Obviously I have, and they don't mean shit because there's a spray and an ultrasonic deterrent.

CHRIS: They're supposed to be highly intelligent.

MARCY: If our whole marriage is going to be like this we might as well just call it off now.

CHRIS: Slow down.

MARCY: If you're mad cause we didn't go to Barcelona you need to learn to deal. WE COULD NOT AFFORD IT. If you want to go someplace nice then get a better job or stop spending so much money on CDs and beer with your friends.

CHRIS: I'm not trying to attack you, Marcy! I was just voicing a fucking concern, which, whether it was valid or not, was no reason for you to start talking about calling the marriage off. We've been married for three days.

MARCY: Have we?

CHRIS: Let me get a picture of you in front of that jungle waterfall.

MARCY: Do it later. I feel ugly right now.

CHRIS: You look beautiful.

MARCY: I said I feel ugly!

CHRIS: Can't you just be happy?

MARCY: I don't know, can I?

CHRIS: What do you want me to say to that?

MARCY: I just thought it would be better after. But it's just the same. You're just the same.

CHRIS: I'm going back to the lodge. I think you need some time to think about things, and obviously I do too, now.

MARCY: Night is falling.

CHRIS: Why don't you watch the sunset? I'll be up in the room. I love you.

MARCY: (silence).

ROLL CREDITS

Final Amazing Scene After Credits: A monkey reads a book. Slow pan to reveal the name of the book: HOW TO EXPLODE PEOPLE WITH YOUR MIND.

NIGHT ON MONKEY MOUNTAIN 4

2008-02-09T13:52:00.000-08:00

BEEPBBEEP. BEEPBEEP. is the repetitive sound we hear again and again as a woman in a lab coat and a man with lab glasses study a small handheld monitor. They are surrounded by a dense and dark jungle.

LIZ: We made it. We made it to Monkey Mountain.

SHERMAN: Wow. All our work has finally paid off.

LIZ: It was hard to figure out its precise location, but these instruments don't lie.

SHERMAN: Let's do some research.

LIZ: Good thinking. I'm glad we invented this anti-monkey spray before we left. The monkeys won't come near us and we can research in peace.

Just then a jaguar leaps down onto Sherman from a tree and bites into his shoulder.

SHERMAN: Quick help!

Liz grabs the jaguar and puts it in an arm lock. Sherman, rapidly recovering, kicks the jaguar again and again in the head until its skull breaks and it dies crying.

LIZ: Are you okay?

SHERMAN (examining his shoulder). Yes, I'm completely fine.

LIZ: How about a thank you?

SHERMAN: How about a thank you from you?

LIZ: For what?

SHERMAN: If it hadn't been for me that jaguar would have gone straight for you.

LIZ: Christ. All right, thank you.

SHERMAN: Nice. You really sound like you mean it.

LIZ: Please Sherman. Let's just get to our research and explore this Monkey mountain.

SHERMAN: Night is falling.

LIZ: Are you implying I'm scared of the Predator Monkeys this mountain is renown for?

SHERMAN: Our anti-monkey spray will take care of that. I'm impyling that--

Suddenly Sherman is attacked by another jaguar that bursts from a hidden cave. This time once Liz has it in the arm lock Sherman slits it throat with rock. Panting, the two watch the jaguar bleed to death right in front of them.

LIZ: Wow.

SHERMAN: My shoulder is fine.

Suddenly Sherman is attacked by another Jaguar that bursts out of a bush. Once again Sherman cuts it throat with a rock and it bleeds to death.

LIZ: Damn it! The jaguars are after us!

SHERMAN: After me, you mean.

LIZ: (pause) Sherman. Thank you SOOO much for being the one attacked by jaguars. Even though if it weren't for me you'd be dead by now, and even though I didn't fucking force you to come out here, thank you.

SHERMAN: Liz-- during your sarcastic and disingenuous speech I realized something-- the jaguars appear to be attracted to our anti-monkey spray!

LIZ: All the pettiness of that aside, you might be right.

SHERMAN: Might be? I went to Harvard. You went to fucking Cornell and barely graduated. I looked it up.

LIZ: I never want to work with you again and if another jaguar lands on you I'm not going to arm lock it. I'm getting back in the jungle tank, and since you don't know how to drive it I suggest you join me.

The two of them get back into their jungle tank and drive away.

ROLL CREDITS

Final Amazing scene after credits: Deep in the jungle a monkey and a jaguar have hot sex. Title: nine months later. Then we see the jaguar giving birth to something, implying that a monkey-jaguar hybrid may soon exist that it will be even more terrifying than a monkey and a jaguar together.

NIGHT ON MONKEY MOUNTAIN 3

2008-02-02T23:18:00.000-08:00

POWER ZAPPER: Everyone stop! This is the perfect spot to shoot my outrageous new rap video.

BRENDAN: Finally-- I thought he'd never stop leading this entire camera crew through the trackless amazonian jungle.

ZACH: I have no idea where we are. I doubt very many humans have ever even been in this area except for natives.

POWER ZAPPER: Hey you two shut up! We're going to start filming the rap video and you're the actor and the director.

BRENDAN: He really has such an attitude.

ZACH: We'll do a great job. Let me just set this camera up.

BRENDAN: I should go over my lines.

In the background all 50 people in the camera crew take out big movie lights, etc from their backpacks. They begin to set up the lights. Meanwhile POWER ZAPPER practices his rap.

POWER ZAPPER:
I'm Power Zapper! You better shut your trap or
I'll shoot my gun. It'll be so fun--

Just as he is rapping this a jaguar leaps out of the bushes and drags him into the jungle.

ZACH: No!!

BRENDAN: That was horrifying.

ZACH: I told you this was a bad idea.

BRENDAN: Look at it this way-- at least it was only a jaguar. At least were not stuck on the horrible Monkey Mountain we've heard tales of.

ZACH: Excuse me?

BRENDAN: I said--

ZACH: Oh right, I get what you said now. But that's stupid-- just cause we've seen one jaguar doesn't mean there won't be any monkeys.

BRENDAN: Good point.

ZACH: Hey guys! Brendan here thinks just cause we saw one jaguar that we're definitely not on Monkey Mountain!

Even the terrified booty girls chortle.

BRENDAN: I was making a joke.

ZACH: Were you? Didn't seem like a joke.

BRENDAN: I need a something to drink.

ZACH: Here have some from my canteen.

Zach reaches for his canteen only to find himself touching the head of a terrifying monkey with enormous claws and hideous fangs. It definitely craves the sweet nectar of human blood with every fiber of its monkey being.

BRENDAN: Look out! A predator monkey!

The monkey throws a pine cone at Zach, missing. Then it scurries into the bushes.

ZACH: That barely missed.

BRENDAN: Are you alright?

ZACH: I fucking told you this was monkey mountain.

BRENDAN: No you didn't.

ZACH: Hey! I'm the one who just got fucking attacked!

BRENDAN: Night is falling.

ZACH: And?

BRENDAN: And we should try to find protection from the Predator Monkeys.

ZACH: No we shouldn't. We should all just take the zipline back to the basecamp.

Zach's satellite phone rings.

BRENDAN: I didn't know there was a zipline.

ZACH: You didn't see that gigantic orange rescue zipline over there? (into phone) Hello? Oh, hi Power Zapper. Right, we'll meet you down there.

BRENDAN: That was Power Zapper? He's okay? What happened?

ZACH: I don't fucking know. We'll ask him when we see him.

They get in line for the zipline.

BRENDAN: This night on monkey mountain has been unforgettable.

ZACH: You're not much of an actor, you know that?

BRENDAN: Uh, tell that to my Emmy awards?

ZACH: They made me cast you in this video.

ROLL CREDITS

Final Amazing scene after credits: Deep in the jungle, a jaguar now wearing Power Zapper's gold chain shakes paws with a terrifying predator monkey. Then they turn and face the camera. And they just look straight down the lens and into minds of fear.

NIGHT ON MONKEY MOUNTAIN 2

2008-01-27T18:00:00.000-08:00

Spring Break Party Blimp, high above the Amazonian jungle.

TREV: Shit man, I'm high as a kite!

BRENT: I'm even higher than you! I ate a basket of drugs then injected three syringes of them.

TREV: I did the same thing!

BRENT: (Suddenly sober and terrified) Oh God! The ground's rushing up at us!

TREV: We're gonna smash!

SMASHAPOWALING is the sound as the blimp smashes at top speed into the mysterious jungle. Trev and Brent step out of the damaged blimp.

BRENT: I wonder what could have caused that?

TREV: I don't know. Where are we?

BRENT: Last I saw the map we were right over the amazonian jungle.

TREV: Remember that incredible story we heard but didn't believe about giant carnivore monkeys deep in the jungle that attacked a planeload full of people in the amazon?

BRENT: That's bullcrap. The person that died in that story probably got killed by the jaguars.

TREV: I guess we better hope so.

BRENT: Besides, science has never discovered a species of monkey that eats meat. So how could they evolve?

TREV: Right.

BRENT: You have a real problem with saying things without thinking about them.

TREV: Lay off, will you?

BRENT: I will if you stop wasting my time with petty moron bullshit.

TREV: It's not bullshit.

BRENT: it is.

The two do not speak for several minutes. They pull some crates of food out of the damaged blimp.

TREV: Night's falling.

BRENT: Yes. We better get inside this damaged blimp.

TREV: But that's the first place the monkeys will look!

BRENT: I'm not worried about monkeys. I'm worried about jaguars.

A mysterious howling is heard in the distance.

TREV: (at same time as Brent) Monkeys!

BRENT: (at same time as Trev) Jaguars!

The two look at each other and laugh.

TREV: Looks like spring break isn't turning out as rad as we hoped.

BRENT: Agreed.

Just then a monkey with giant teeth and terrifying claws jumps out of a bush. There's a look in its eyes that indicates it's hungry for human blood. It jumps on Trev and sinks its teeth into his board shorts.

TREV: Brent, help me!

Brent picks up a large pinecone and throws it at the bloodthirsty monkey. The monkey, confused, scampers off.

BRENT: Are you okay?

TREV: Looks like it only got my board shorts.

BRENT: Thank christ.

TREV: ... These were sixty dollar board shorts.

BRENT: I'm sorry I didn't believe you.

TREV: Well, that's pretty typical, isn't it?

BRENT: What does that mean?

TREV: You think you know everything but you know exactly shit. You're an asshole.

BRENT: I was trying to apologize!

TREV: This whole trip has been a fucking disaster.

Suddenly a rescue jeep pulls up in front of them.

BRENT: A rescue jeep!

TREV: We're saved!

BRENT: I'll never forget this night on Monkey Mountain.

TREV: What if you get amnesia?

BRENT: Is that supposed to be funny? My grandmother died of amnesia.

TREV: I just can't win with you.

Roll credits

Final amazing scene after credits: The camera pans away from the jeep as it leaves and over to the bushes, where a terrifying monkey comes out. He looks at the pine cone, confused, then tosses it at a tree. He claps and hoots with joy, indicating that he now has a basic knowledge of throwing as an offensive weapon. Then he looks at the damaged blimp and seems to be making a plan to use its spare parts to make a vehicle capable of taking predator monkeys every which way, including loose.

Night On Monkey Mountain

2008-01-07T12:47:00.000-08:00

MARGARET: Look out! The plane's going to crash! Into that mountain!

IAN: No! I can't believe it's true! They said this plane was uncrashable!

MARGARET: Looks like they were wrong.

IAN: Oh god the mountain!

SMASHARANGADANG. All seven hundred and twenty five passengers and crew crawl out of the destroyed wreckage of the jet liner.

MARGARET: Where are we?

IAN: I don't know. I lost track of the map when we were crashing-- but it's definitely somewhere in the middle of the amazon jungle, where no human has been ever except for natives.

MARGARET: Night is falling. I'm scared. Specifically I'm scared of Jaguars.

IAN:Yes, we should be worried about jaguars.

From far off we hear terrified screaming. A man runs past them.

MAN: Oh god! Monkeys! Thousands of monkeys! And they're large, predator monkeys the likes of which I have never seen!

MARGARET: Let's get out of here!

IAN: Where? Into the jungle?

MARGARET: You're right. There's going to be more monkeys in there.

IAN: I know.

MARGARET: Oh god here one comes!

A monkey runs toward them. But it's not a normal monkey-- it's a monkey with huge fangs and giant claws. It's mouth is dripping blood. And the blood looks human.

IAN: I'll handle this!

He kicks the monkey in the side of the head. The monkey is knocked unconscious.

MARGARET: You saved me.

IAN: You're welcome. But what we should really be doing here is finding some way to escape.

MARGARET: Let's climb a tree.

IAN: It would never work. They're monkeys!

MARGARET: How about underground?

IAN: Good thinking!

The two of them dig with their hands, then carefully cover themselves with dirt. Just as they are finishing the monkey they knocked unconscious wakes up. He sniffs, then looks up in a nearby tree. Seeing nothing, he departs.

Underneath their piles of dirt, they speak.

MARGARET: Do you think it's safe to come out now?

IAN: No! We haven't been in here very long at all.

MARGARET: You're right. I'm sorry.

IAN: Could you just shut up and let me think? Christ.

MARGARET: Sorry.

Time lapse. Night turns to day.

IAN: Okay, let's get out now. It's day time and those monkeys are probably fast asleep.

They both uncover themselves. They look around. As they do, many of the other passengers uncover themselves from the ground, and still more climb down from trees, which it turns out actually were safe.

IAN: Hey, sorry I snapped at you last night. I was just so scared.

MARGARET: We were all pretty scared. That's not an excuse to be an asshole.

IAN: You're right, I'm sorry.

MARGARET: Okay.

Just then she is attacked from the side by a jaguar.

IAN: No!

He kicks the jaguar until it runs away.

MARGARET: You saved me again.

IAN: Yes.

Suddenly a big orange rescue helicopter swings above them.

MARGARET: We're saved!

IAN: I'll never forget this night on Monkey Mountain.

MARGARET: Me neither.

Roll credits.

Final amazing scene after credits: The helicopter rises from the jungle and heads toward the nearest city. Then we see a monkey hanging from the back of the helicopter and then pan down to reveal it's pregnant, implying that the deadly monkeys will spread across the entire continent and soon your own backyard will be a "Monkey Mountain."

The Coffee Shop

2007-12-13T17:07:00.000-08:00

Here's another slightly longer piece by today's guest writer Heather Fife, pictured left. Enjoy.

Girl: So, what are you doing back?
Boy: Well, I thought back and thought about the things we used to do. It really meant a lot to me. You mean a lot to me.
Girl: Do I really mean that much to you?
Boy: Girl, you know it's true.
(Music. It begins to rain.)
Scene: 1

Girl: Do you ever feel like we are all acting like adults but we aren't really adults?
Boy: But we have been adults since we were 18 if you think about so we have been adults for 10 years now.
Girl: Just saying we have been doing something for 10 years is something adults would say.
Boy: This is a good screenplay.
Girl: You really think it's good?
Boy: No, it's not good. It's funny and it's unedited.
Girl: It requires really good actors to pull it off.
(Boy reads it)
Girl: It's good huh?
Boy: No, it isn't.
Girl: Yes it is! It's good! (does a "it's good dance") It's good because it's like, "is it real?" or "is it not real?"
Boy: I want you to put that- "it's good, no it isn't."

Scene 2:

Girl: See those people over there. That blonde girl and the two guys? They just came in and I already hate them.
Boy: Do you think that it shows signs of insecurity to hate people you don't even know?
Girl: Insecurity? No, I don't think so. Oh wait, it kind of does huh? I'm insecure. Oh God, I'm insecure. I guess I should update my facebook status to say that I am realizing that I am insecure.
Boy: You're also shallow.
Girl: Do you really think this is good or are you only laughing because we just had this conversation.
Boy: It's funny, I don't know if I would say it is good. Like, if I saw this as a screenplay I would laugh but if I saw two people having this dialogue in a movie I wouldn't think it was good.
Girl: In what context as a screenplay? Like, oh this person tried to write a screenplay and it's so bad. That would be when you think it's funny?
Boy: I just like bad screenplays. If you really wanted to write a screenplay you would sit down and think about character and plot and the problem.
Girl: But I always get caught up on names and then I can't begin. Like I always want to name the leading female Desdemona, but then I think people will think that she is going to get killed at the end and she isn't, I just like the name. Or I also like the name Cleopatra.
Boy: So you like Shakespeare names. Well just write that in. Say, Desdemona won't die at the end, I just like that name. That's what you can do in bad screenplays.
(Girl writes)
Boy: Ok, I hate those people too now.

TIDAL WAVE

2007-12-13T15:24:00.000-08:00

Our guest writer today is Heather Fife. She offers a sketch-- not complete by any means, but hauntingly beautiful.

Girl in coffee shop putting on makeup/fixing hair, etc... in front of her laptop. Turns out that her ibooth photo thing is on!

SW2

2007-11-29T18:48:00.000-08:00

London, England.

A double-decker bus goes by.

A furious man wearing a kid rock t-shirt enters the frame. His nose has been bleeding, part of his ear is bitten off, and his long filthy hair hangs limply around his face. He stares directly into the camera.

FURIOUS MAN (cockney)
Right.

Without taking his eyes off the camera the furious man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a large firecracker and a lighter. He lights the fuse, then closes his fist around the firework and holds his hand out to his side. The fuse gets shorter and shorter but still he does not take his eye off the camera. He begins to take rapid deep breaths as the spark gets to the end of the fuse. As the firework goes off with a sickening BANG and his hand explodes in bone and blood, he shouts, still looking down the lens.

FURIOUS MAN
SPICE WORLD TWO!!!

The mortal combat music begins. So does a long montage. In this montage we not only see the events of spice world one, but all the real life events that have taken place since the pinnacle of Girl Power, including but not limited to: Posh getting married to David Beckham, Scary having sex with Eddie Murphy and bearing his child, Baby recording the song "(Hey You) Free Up Your Mind" for the anime film Pokemon: The First Movie, Ginger recording her best solo album "Scream if You Want to Go Faster," and Sporty slutting around like a fucking whore all over the united Kingdom. Finally we start seeing Montage clips that indicate they are all going to go the mall, and the montage ends with all of them bumping into each other at the mall.

POSH:
Well, that's what I call "Girl Power."

MEATLOAF
I'll drive the bus.

BABY
Well then, lets do it! Spice world reunion tour!

ALL
Girl Power!

The remainder of the movie is basically a rehash of the first Spice World movie, with pretty much the exact same dialogue except for various asides explaining why all the Spice Girls are now so fat and old.

Welcome to England, you dumb asshole

BEEN BLINGIN'

2007-11-29T11:25:00.001-08:00

2000 miles above the earth. Location: in a space station. Two sexy ladies make out in zero-gravity in front of a tall, handsome man in a fur suit. He is MAXOTIP DOLLAR MONEY RAP, the world's most famous rapper. Smiling, he grabs a handful of cocaine and tosses it into air, then leaps into the hovering zero-g blow-cloud it forms.

MAXOTIP
Hell yeah. I'm gonna snort space coke while you bitches french.

SEXY LADY ONE
Oh hell yeah.

SEXY LADY TWO
I'm not happy that you just called me a bitch, but I'm very happy that you took me up to your orbiting space pimp pad, Maxotip Dollar Money Rap.

MAXOTIP
Then get frenching, Missy!!

The girls go back to frenching and Maxotip snorts floating blow and takes a big sip from a bottle of Courvoisier.

MAXOTIP
Yo I'm a billionaire.
And I'm tired of seeing those dumb ass squares.
Rap has made me the richest player in the game
And now that I bought a space house things will never be the same!

The sexy ladies turn to Maxotip.

SEXY LADY TWO
Wow. Was that freestyle?

MAXOTIP
You know it was, lady.

SEXY LADY ONE
That reminds me-- Don't you have a big concert tonight?

Maxotip looks at his large watch, which is carved from a single diamond.

MAXOTIP:
Shit-- I'm gonna be late! Watch out!

Maxotip kicks off the wall and floats toward a door marked "Escape Pod."

SEXY LADY ONE
Don't take the escape Pod, Maxotip! It's never been tested!

SEXY LADY TWO
Your space H2 Limousine can be here in ten minutes.

Maxotip looks them both in the eyes.

MAXOTIP
Yeah-- but I go on in fifteen. I've never been late to one of my many rap performances and I'm not going to start today.

Maxotip slaps the red button and the escape pod door opens. He enters and the door slams shut behind him.

Exterior of the space station. An escape pod shaped like an automatic handgun launches out of the space ship, appearing to shoot its way out. It turns toward earth.

Interior of the escape pod. Maxotip looks at his watch again then drinks from another, different bottle of Courvoisier.

MAXOTIP
Damn it!

Inside the space ship the Sexy Ladies look at each other.

SEXY LADY ONE
I hope he makes it.

SEXY LADY TWO
I don't. And just so you know, there's no way he will.

SEXY LADY ONE
What!?

Sexy lady two draws a switchblade from her ugg boot and flicks it open.

SEXY LADY TWO
Maxotip Dollar Money Rap made a lot of enemies becoming the richest man on earth and by far the best rapper. Today, he gets his! And I'm sorry, but you get yours too!

Sexy lady two launches at Sexy Lady One, but Sexy Lady One manages to dodge just in time.

SEXY LADY ONE
What have you done?

SEXY LADY TWO
Enough talk!

Sexy Lady Two lunges at Sexy Lady One again, but this time Sexy Lady One is ready for her. Sexy Lady Two manages to cut Sexy Lady One's arm real bad, but Sexy Lady One throws Sexy Lady Two hard against the giant solid gold statue of a microphone in the corner. She lands on her switchblade and it goes right through her stomach. Her blood begins pouring out into the air.

SEXY LADY ONE
What have you done!

SEXY LADY TWO
Hahahaha.....

SEXY LADY ONE
Answer me!!!

Sexy Lady Two dies.

SEXY LADY ONE
Damn you!

Back to the exterior of the gun escape pod. As it enters the atmosphere it begins it begins to turn red with heat. Inside, Maxotip Dollar Money Rap works desperately at the controls.

MAXOTIP
Sabotage! I'll never make the show now! Or at least not on time.

Just then the escape pod crash lands onto a deserted tropical island. Kablammo! Slowly, the "clip" slides out of the gun-shaped escape pod. Maxotip is nestled inside adorably, unconscious.

Night falls on the unconscious Maxotip. Suddenly he awakes and looks around.

MAXOTIP
What! A deserted tropical island! Now who's gonna listen to my rap songs!

TO BE CONTINUED

DEADLY DAWN

2007-11-21T14:55:00.000-08:00

1987.

Moscow.

A tall silver-haired general enters a secret room deep within the Kremlin. His chest is decorated with many medals, and he has a big scar across his cheek. There is a grim and experienced purpose in all his movements.

As he passes through the room we see that the table in the mysterious room is already full of high ranking Russian military officials. The general's eyes pass over them as he settles in his place at the head of the table.

General: I thank you for being here, comrades. I know you have all been busy. But I believe the recent announcement of the increase in the american military budget merits a re-examination of our current super secret anti-american projects. Commandant Strelnikov, please summarize your progress for the group.

Strelnikov: Things are not going well for our plan to install tracking devices on American warships, general. Whenever we get one in place the Americans seem to detect it immediately.

General: Hm. And you, Bratchenko?

Bratchenko: Our listening post at the American Embassy in Poland has been compromised. An analysis of the data received indicates they may have known about our microphones for years.

General: Bad news. I turn last to you, Drago. Perhaps you have some good news?

Drago: I certainly do, General. The prototype design for our underground digging and drilling machine, codenamed "Wolverine," is complete. All initial testing indicates performance far beyond our expectations.

General: Digging and Drilling? I'm not aware of any such--

Drago: So far the drill has been able to dig more than four miles a week through the deepest layers of the earths crust. Tunneling toward The United States has already begun, as has top secret production of more than a hundred of these "Wolverines." Within months they'll be dozens of them creeping beneath the earth with the great might of the soviet military behind them.

General: Very funny, Drago. I would have been informed of such a vast under--

Drago: Why don't you let me finish, General. Even as we speak the economic pillars that make up the external appearance of the Soviet Government are being undermined by our agents, our false democrats in East Berlin are pressing to have the wall come down, and our propagandists are spreading tales about the weakness and corruption of the USSR. It's only a matter of time before it appears we have utterly collapsed.

General:-And just what would this serve, Drago? How foolish!

Drago: Did you ever hear of the concept of "lulling someone into a false sense of security," General? The US Government will soon elect a democrat president, and I assure they'll make the mistake of lowering their military budget! Fools! All the while we'll be deep underground, creeping into their very hearts!

General: What a ridiculous idea. It's a good thing you don't possess the authority to waste time on such a mad fantasy.

Drago: I assure you I have plenty of authority, General. In fact I've had your job since the day we realized you were an american spy. Twenty years ago. Today.

Suddenly the general turns and runs for the door. It's locked. Drago draws a gun and approaches him.

GENERAL: Long live the red, white, and blue!

Drago shoots him and he collapses. He turns and holsters his gun.

DRAGO: Phase two begins today, gentlemen. Twenty-five years from this moment our armies will boil up from the ground and America will be ours, body and soul.

They all laugh and laugh and laugh. Fade to black.

D-WARS: Dragon Wars

2007-11-18T14:33:00.000-08:00

I recently saw the movie "D-Wars: Dragon Wars" and as I was watching I was struck by what a perfect example of screenplay writing (and production) the movie is. If you have not seen it, go out and see it today. The story can only be described with the word "intensity." And that word isn't even enough unless you capitalize the word, put it in bold at like a million size font, and write it seven hundred times on the door of a church. It is seriously that intense.

Do you like action? Yeah, there's TONS. I started counting more than half way through and I still counted 5 helicopters blown up. I always say that any movie with more than one helicopter explosion has got a balls of steel and a cast iron nutsack, but D-Wars: Dragon Wars set a new bar. And I don't want to ruin the movie for you, but I will say that they aren't blown up in "normal ways." And they don't call the movie "Dragon Wars" for nothing, either. I think you get it.

How about Kung Fu Shapeshifting? There's almost more of that than there are dragons eating helicopters. I'm embarrassed to say the idea of Kung Fu Shapeshifting had never even occurred to me as a device for movies- and it's done to such perfection in D-Wars: Dragon Wars that I don't know if I'll ever be able to use it myself! The surprise I felt when Craig Anton morphed into the inimitable Robert Forster will live in my heart as what's known as a "The Delorean Can Fly" moment. Kudos.

Although they happen so seamlessly that I doubt anyone without a passion for the nuts and bolts of movie-making would notice them, I want to commend the director for his use of flashbacks. This movie has flashbacks within flashbacks, and even one flashback that takes place within the flashback within the flashback. And that one is simply a woman never before seen in the movie saying "I've been having some great dreams lately."

The last thing I want to mention could go either way for a lot of people: Dragon Screaming. Some people like it, some people don't. I absolutely love it so I was delighted for more than half the movie.

"D-Wars: Dragon Wars"-- the D is for Definitely worth the "price of admission."

MAGIC POWER DAY

2007-11-04T14:21:00.000-08:00

The Earnesto Family is sitting in church. Anyone can see that all of them are totally high.

PRIEST:
Religion is the best because--

GOD: (Booming interrupting voice coming from the sky)
PEOPLE OF EARTH, IT'S ME GOD. AND I WANT TO REMIND EVERYONE THAT I LOVE THEM, AND SO I'M GRANTING EVERYONE MAGIC POWERS EVERY SUNDAY FROM NOW ON. BUT SOME PEOPLE WON'T GET THE POWERS, AND THOSE ARE THE PEOPLE WHO USE ILLEGAL DRUGS.

Everyone in the church is visibly excited that they will be getting magic powers except the five members of the Earnesto Family, who for the purposes of casting are pretty much the exact same as the Home Improvement Family.

TIM TAYLOR:
Fuck, I'm high as a damn kite right now.

JILL TAYLOR:
Honey, we all are! We don't get any Magic Powers.

JONATHAN TAYLOR THOMAS TAYLOR:
Why did I sniff an entire thing of glue and then smoke dope!

BRAD TAYLOR:
This is all your fault, mom and dad! I'm high on drugs.

The old man sitting next to them squints and makes a pet dragon that breathes cotton candy appear out of thin air. It flies around the room, breathing cotton candy and delighting everyone.

MARK TAYLOR
Yum, Cotton Candy! I have munchies from pot!

Mark tries to grab some of the cotton candy, but it disappears as soon as his little hands touch it.

VOICE OF GOD: NO COTTON CANDY FOR YOU, DRUG USER!

Mark begins to cry.

TIM TAYLOR
This is some bullshit. Let's get out of here.

JILL TAYLOR:
Good idea.

The Taylor-Earnesto family gather up their belongings and stumble out the door of the church. Outside, all the non-drug-using people in the town are flying around on magic carpets and making awesome magical fireworks appear in the sky and being friends with unicorns.

TIM TAYLOR: Damn it!

JILL TAYLOR: Isn't there something we can do?

TIM TAYLOR: No.

THREE MEN AND A MILLION DOLLAR BABY

2007-10-10T17:36:00.000-07:00

Ted Danson: You can do it, baby! You've got to fight!

Baby: googoo gaga.

Tom Selleck punches the baby in the face as hard as he can.

Steve Guttenberg: Get your guard up, you stupid baby!

Ted Danson: This baby aint never gonna make us rich!

Scene from THE TREASURE OF GOONIE CAVE: GOONIES 2

2007-10-08T21:49:00.000-07:00

We find GEORGE, RICHARD, and DONNER rolling cannon balls down the underground hill in front of the underground pirate castle at gorgeous AMY FRATELLI, who leaps nimbly over the cannon balls one after another. She has the old musket she picked up in scene 175 and has gotten a pirate hat somewhere. She looks hotter than ever.

GEORGE: We gotta stop! What if we hit her!

RICHARD: Oh my god! We'll smash her legs to bits! She could die.

DONNER: Yeah, but what if she gets us! She'll ground us for life!!!!

AMY: Boys, I don't want to hurt you! I just want to convince you to lead the same life of crime I lead! I want to teach you how to hurt people and rob stores! I know you can do it-- you're my kids! And in a way I love you!

GEORGE: That's not true!

RICHARD: I'll never join you!

DONNER: You're mean!

AMY: How dare you!

She fires her musket up at the boys, who duck. She misses and hits a skull cemented into the wall behind them. It shatters, revealing a button inside.

GEORGE: A button!

RICHARD: Donner, hit it!

DONNER: I don't want to! I think we should join Mom! This cave adventure is really scary.

GEORGE: The fuckballs? What about Dad? He died so we could have this adventure.

RICHARD: That's not true.

DONNER: Richard is right!

Meanwhile, their gorgeous mother AMY FRATELLI, ex-wife of dead goonie MIKEY WALSH, finishes reloading her pirate musket, slams a monster energy drink ("KHAOS" flavor), tosses her cigar stub to the ground, coughs, brushes a scorpion off her tit, and begins to scramble up the muddy underground hill. She looks pissed. But she's the type of lady that looks even sexier when she's pissed. The guys in the audience are like "I have a boner" and the girls in the audience are like "I want to be like her, cause she's a mom AND she's sexy." And then the guys are like "I'm going to masturbate right here in the theater and damn the consequences." If the movie is well directed and well cast this should be the fifth time they've done this since the movie began.

AMY: You're my sons and you'll do what I say!

GEORGE: Christ on the cross! Hit that button!

RICHARD: Do it-- she's gonna kill us!

DONNER: Fine!

Donner reaches out and hits the button. There's a clicking and whirring sound as ancient pirate machinery comes to life, and then, for what should be the 8th time since the opening credits, pirate skeletons begin erupting from the ground and chopping it with their swords. It may seem like a bit much, but the ground-chopping pirate skeletons are a SYMOBILLIC THEME of the film and MUST BE INCLUDED TO MAINTAIN ARTISTIC INTEGRITY. The entire hillside is soon covered with the clockwork dead pirates, but AMY FRATELLI doesn't stop moving for a second, having learned in scene 230 (When she rescued Sloth Junior and Baby Sloth from the clockwork dead giant octopus) that it's not too hard to block the swords when you're carrying a musket.

GEORGE: Shit! This reminds me of how dad died.

RICHARD: Me too.

Donner nods. Flashback to Mikey Walsh being hit in the head with a sword. SLOOOOOOW MOTION. Cut back to Donner, still nodding as he remembers.

DONNER: The door to the castle is opening.

GEORGE: Quick, through the gate!

RICHARD: Goonies Forever!

Amy reaches the top of the hill just as the Goonies disappear into the darkness.

AMY: Damn you, Goonies! Even if you are my kids, you'll never get away with this!

Camera lingers on Amy Fratellis sexy collarbones just long enough for every girl in the audience to recommit to their eating disorders.

END SCENE

Guess who's making a surprise cameo???!?!!?!?!?

THE TREASURE OF GOONIE CAVE (GOONIES TWO!)

2007-09-04T11:18:00.000-07:00

[NOTE: Some goonies sequels have all the cast members from the first movie in them. This does not make sense, as most of the actors are dead or have been killed. ]

SCENE: Oregon someplace. A sunny day at the beach. A middle-aged man yells at his kids, who are exploring the rocks around the edge of the beach.

MIDDLE-AGED MAN: George! Richard! Donner! Get away from those rocks!

GEORGE: But dad, we're just exploring!

MIDDLE AGED MAN: Do what I tell you! You never know what kind of danger you can run into when you're exploring!

The middle aged man takes a puff from his inhaler, than flashes back to his awesome adventures in GOONIES ONE. We realize that the middle aged man is none other than MIKEY!

RICHARD: Alright, Dad. But it's not dangerous.

MIKEY: You never know. Besides, we have to get to that custody hearing.

DONNER: We don't want to go to that custody hearing, Dad! We want to stay with you.

MIKEY: It's good to hear that, son. But the truth is this whole thing is my fault for marrying Amy Fratelli, the youngest and sexiest of the Fratelli clan. She turned out to be just lke the other Fratellis.

GEORGE: We don't need her money, dad.

MIKEY: But I guess without her I never would have had you kids. You're so precious to me.

ALL: We love you too, dad.

RICHARD: Hey look, a cannon ball!

RICHARD looks down at a rusty cannon ball nestled among the rocks. He tries to grab it, and when he does a chain falls out of it and snakes into a hole in the ground very rapidly. There's an ominous whirring and clanking sound from beneath the ground, then suddenly a skeleton pops out of the ground on a complicated antique mechanism and chops the ground with his sword! George just barely dodges out of the way.

DONNER: Look out!

Another skeleton pops out of the ground, streaming sand, and chops Mikey in the skull. His eyes glaze over as blood pours down from inside his brain.

MIKEY: Run, kids! Run away! I love you!

GEORGE: We won't leave you!

Meanwhile, hundreds of pirate skeletons with swords are springing up from the sand all around them and chopping the ground.

MIKEY: Listen-- the reason I brought you to this beach is because of the legend of no-eyed Willy, one-eyed Willy's flamboyantly gay and even more rich and evil half-brother. There's rumours of an even greater treasure, and it looks like we're closer than I ever imagined. You've got to find it!

RICHARD: But we don't care about a treasure!

In the distance a giant rock rolls out of a cliff and a cannon with two skeletons rolls forward. We see that one of them is holding a sparkler and is poised to set the cannon off.

MIKEY: If you find the treasure you'll never have to go and live with your gangster mom. You can do whatever you want!

GEORGE: He's right!

The skeleton lowers the sparkler! With a loud boom the cannon goes off and the ball sails right over the heads of the family!

DONNER: Look out!

The cannon and the skeletons are pushed right out of the cave, tumbling down the rocks. In their place emerges another cannon and another skeleton with a sparkler, all moving on old-timey mechanisms powered by sand and water. But this cannon isn't your average cannon--it's a giant twelve barreled gatling cannon, and it begins to fire immediately.

MIKEY: You gotta run. Find the treasure! I'm dead anyway. But remember--we're Goonies.

ALL: Goonies for life!

Cannon balls start landing everywhere around them, blowing giant chunks of sand and rock into the air. The kids take off up the beach as their dad appears to be blown to smithereens beneath a giant cloud of sand.

RICHARD: DAD!

GEORGE: It was his choice, Richard. Now let's do what he would have wanted us to do.

DONNER: To that cave!

The kids head for the cave with the gatling cannon in it. We see them scrambling into it from a long shot. Then a black mercedes pulls up in the beach parking lot. A strikingly beautiful italian-looking women steps out and surveys the scene with a cold look on her face. It is AMY FRATELLI. The wind blows her hair back as she walks to her trunk and unlocks it.

VOICE: Don't even move!

WOMAN: Jake, Frank-- don't fire. The kids are gone.

JAKE: So we're not going to kidnap them?

WOMAN: There's no point. My ex-husband is dead-- I can see him down there with a sword through his head. I automatically get custody.

The guys get out, and we realize that they're the original Fratelli Brothers from Goonies one!

JAKE: But then where are your kids, Amy?

FRANCIS: What the-- more skeletons!

AMY: I guess Mikey finally found what's he's been secretly looking for ever since the divorce-- the hidden lair of no-eyed Willy.

JAKE: And the kids?

AMY: They must be inside that cave. And if they think they can escape from me, they've got another thing coming.

FRANCIS: Let's get 'em!

AMY: Grab your tommy guns. And your flashlights. We're gonna get those Goonies!

The three walk toward the cave. As they pass the car, Amy taps on the back window. Inside we her mom, Mama Fratelli, delirious with age, crouched in the back seat with a revolver and some chlorophyl.

MAMA: I'll get them!

AMY: Stay here. We'll be back.

MAMA: Damn Goonies!

We see the three criminals head into the cave. But just as they do, a motorcycle with a sidecar pulls into the parking lot. The person driving the motorcycle is immensly fat, and the passenger in the sidecar is gigantic and wearing a very oddly shaped helmet. But due to the dark visors on their helmets, it's impossible to tell who they are.

DRIVER: We're too late-- I guess we shouldn't have stopped at Godfather's.

PASSENGER: BUTTER FINGER?

DRIVER: There's no time. We've go to get into that cave and get that treasure.

PASSENGER: MIKEY?

DRIVER: You're right-- that's Mikey's Volvo right there! What the hell is going on!

PASSENGER: BUTTER FINGER?

DRIVER: Not now. We've got to save Mikey's kids!

The driver guns the motorcycle down onto the beach, then weaves in and out of the still chopping sword skeletons until he gets to the cave.

DRIVER: Let's do this!

PASSENGER: BUTTER FINGER?

DRIVER: Not now.

The mysterious duo jump off the motorcycle and head up into the cave.

ROLL TITLE CREDITS: Goonies 2

The Cool Team in: The Cool Team Saves The Day

2007-08-29T10:09:00.001-07:00

The small town of Grizzleby, North Carolina is just a little old place where down home boys can have a good old time enjoying a barbecue and listening to classic rock n roll. The schools are good, the steaks are great, and the women aren't afraid to show their wild sides.

But a town this great doesn't happen by itself. Working behind the scenes and in total secrecy are the three members of the Cool Team: Jake, Mike, and Meaty Hoss. Their dedicated efforts have been responsible for a dozen successes in Grizzleby, from finding the men who robbed the Harley Davidson Store to getting another Burger King put in on the south end of town.

But when terrorist Arabs take over the golf course, it may be more than even the Cool Team can handle...

Rocket Rocking!

2007-08-23T11:21:00.000-07:00

How about a movie where three teenagers from Wisconsin are abucted by aliens because aliens love our rock and roll music so much? The three aren't good musicians but they practice a lot and pretty soon are performing to sold out audiences across the galaxy? But then one of them gets hooked on space dope, overdoses, and dies in the arms of an octopus hooker. And the other two are sad and want to go back to earth even though their parents are both alcoholic dairy farmers. But they've got a contract for another ten performances and have to do them even though their friend has died. They do them and each one is sadder than the last. Then on the way back to earth the two teens realize that there's no hope for them no matter what.

The Pickpocket

2007-08-22T16:04:00.000-07:00

NEW YORK CITY-- 1:00 am

JOHN DAVIS, dressed as a businessman, is walking down Times Square Avenue. He's talking on his cell phone.

JOHN (angrily)
I didn't call every adoption agency in the country for my health. I'm just trying to find out who my real parents are!

Pause.

JOHN
Oh good, you'll tell me?

Just as John says this, he is bumped into by a figure in what might be a trenchcoat who's face we can't really make out.

FIGURE
Excuse me.

JOHN
Okay-- go ahead and tell me.

The view is of the right side of John's head, and when he turns to his left we see that his cellphone is gone and he's just holding his empty hand up to his face.

JOHN
What the-- my cellphone-- damnflam!

John turns around and looks for the guy that bumped into him. But he sees nothing but a couple of garbage men finishing their rounds, a chinese man with some ice-skates, and a sad undergraduate named Alden.

OPENING TITLES

The opening titles is an astonishing montage of people checking their back pockets, their inside pockets, or in their purses for their wallets and then looking confused. The camera swirls through hundreds of them while the following song is sung in a sexy women's voice.

Pick Pocket- Pick Pocket
You can't stop him like you can't
stop a rocket.
You can't stop him and he's not
on the docket
Your momma's Precious Locket?
It's the Pick Pocket
The Money in your wallet?
It's the Pick Pocket
Your Ticket to the Tropics?
It's the Pick Pocket
The Pick Pocket
The Pick Pocket
Cause he's the master theif with hands of silk
Who takes your stuff like he's drinking milk
When he takes your wallet
You're like man who stole it?
His Identity is Unknown!
But it won't be long......
Before his cover is blown...
YEAH
(saxaphone solo)

Int. New York City Police Department --6 am.
A large number of police officers sit at desks. Captain Skullings steps up to the podium.

CAPTAIN SKULLINGS
Goddamn it, people, thefts are up more than 250 percent in the last week alone. We are LOSING this city, and we're losing it to a pickpocket! We've got to find him!

OFFICER BLUT
I received 20 complaints on my way to work alone!

CAPTAIN SKULLINGS
This is exactly what I'm talking about! We're losing all the tourism in our economy because people are scared.

OFFICER MOLDING
Why do you think it's just one pickpocket? Couldn't it instead be gang of clever pickpockets?

CAPTAIN SKULLINGS
Look at this map. The red string follows all the pickpocketing incidents by time and place.

OFFICER MOLDING
That string follows a straight line through many places in New York.

CAPTAIN SKULLING
Exactly-- so we're sure it must just be one person. But even victims who notice immediately that they've been pickpocketed say they never get a good look at the-- wait a second! Where's MY WALLET?

OFFICER BLUT
And where's my gun?

OFFICER MOLDING
And where's MY wallet AND my gun?

DETECTIVE DUCHOVONIC
And where's my insulin!!!!!

DETECTIVE KEVIN
And my gun is missing-- and so is my gunbelt!

OFFICER SKULLING
It looks like we're dealing with a criminal even more amazing than we thought. And now he's taking guns. This probably means he's about to stop pick pocketing-- and is going to start a war. On us.

DETECTIVE DUCHOVONIC
I found my insulin-- but my keys to the Police Armory are missing!

OFFICER SKULLING
Let's move, people.

THE UNDERNEATH

2007-08-16T10:04:00.000-07:00

NEW YORK CITY-- 2:00 am.

JOHN (On phone):
Sorry Kathleen-- I have to go-- I'm getting on the train. Good talking to you.

John hangs up his phone as he heads down the stairs to the subway. He slides his metrocard through the slider and heads into the waiting area. He's headed UPTOWN. John looks at his watch and looks around at the other people in the station-- there's only a couple. He walks up the platform to the very end, bored, and leans against a poster for "The Doors: The Broadway Musical."

Suddenly, and to his surprise, the poster swings inward, dropping John into an empty space behind it!

JOHN
What the crapper?

John is now in a dark room-- only his eyes are visible in the pitch black darkness.

JOHN
Hello? Where am I?

VOICE
You are in --- the underneath!

JOHN
What's that?

VOICE
A secret realm that extends beneath all of New York City, and that is home to thousands of anonymous dark denizens.

JOHN
Wow. Is this related to the mole people I've heard about?

VOICE
The mole people are our slaves!

JOHN
So you're not mole people but you live underground?

VOICE
Yes!

JOHN
Do you have jobs?

VOICE
Some do, some do not. Rest assured, my friend, that we have everything we need!

JOHN
Do you have a job?

VOICE
Yes! It is I who observes this portal to our secret land and greets all visitors.

JOHN
How much do you make?

VOICE
I am paid in kind.

JOHN
You mean in goods?

VOICE
Yes.

JOHN
That makes sense, I guess. Since you rarely leave I bet things would become very valuable because they would be so difficult to access.

VOICE
That is true.

JOHN
How old are you?

VOICE
I'm thirty.

JOHN
Me too. When's your birthday?

VOICE
November 17th.

JOHN
I'm the 16th! What a coincidence.

VOICE
Yes. You would be surprised how many scorpios we get in here.

JOHN
Really?

VOICE
Yes. It's like a thing-- like half of people who stumble across this secret gateway to the underneath are indeed Scorpios.

JOHN
I guess that's because we're naturally curious.

VOICE
I have thought the same thing myself.

JOHN
Huh.

VOICE
What, then, are you called?

JOHN
I'm John.

VOICE
By coincidence my name is also John!

JOHN
Weird.

VOICE
Yes. But John is a common name, here in THE UNDERNEATH.

JOHN
It's also very common above ground, actually.

VOICE
We who dwell below know more than you can imagine about the above dwellers!

JOHN
Sorry. It's just the way you said that it was common in the underneath I thought you didn't know that it's common everywhere.

VOICE
Well I did. But its fine.

JOHN
Alright. So how long have you been down here?

VOICE
We who dwell beneath have survived since the dawn of New York, and will no doubt survive long after those above have turned to ash!

JOHN
Oh, I meant you.

VOICE
Oh. I've lived below for 15 winters. Well do I know the secrets of The Underneath!

JOHN
Huh. Like what secrets?

VOICE
The hidden paths of those below cannot be revealed to an above dweller! Fool!

JOHN
Of course not. I'm sorry. But is there anything that I would probably find interesting but that isn't a secret?

VOICE
Many things! For example, we tap into the electrical grid of those above and gain electricity without consequence!

JOHN
Do you do the same thing with fresh water?

VOICE
Yes we do. And some of us have pet rats that we have trained to do tricks that would astonish the above dwellers. For though we move in darkness, it is those above that are truly blind!

JOHN
Do you have a rat?

VOICE
No. I might get one.

JOHN
What kind of tricks can they do?

VOICE
Some of them can jump and do a flip for but the smallest morsel of food! Others will fetch coins dropped in the sewers!

JOHN
That is pretty great.

VOICE
We know!

JOHN
Anything else you can tell my that isn't a secret?

VOICE
The subway tunnels are but one of our paths through the UNDERNEATH.

JOHN
Are the other ones the sewers?

VOICE
Of course! And we have a king.

JOHN
What's his name?

VOICE
He is known as Lord Obscurity, master of all that is below.

JOHN
Well...

VOICE
And you're not going to believe this, but his real name is also John.

JOHN
What a coincidence...

VOICE
Well, as I said, it's a very common name.

JOHN
I guess so.

VOICE
Yeah. I know two other Johns.

JOHN
Hey, are there some people who were actually born in the underneath and have never even been to the surface?

VOICE
Without doubt there are many thousands! Generation after generation is spawned in the dark and secret crevices of the underneath, growing stronger in our ancient lair as those above grow weaker and weaker in the coddling light of cursed sun!

JOHN
That's interesting. Here's something, though-- what about Vitamin D from the sun? I heard if you don't get vitamin D you are more susceptible to illness and stuff.

VOICE
Liver is an excellent source of Vitamin D, as is the skin of fish. Do not doubt, stranger, that both are in ready supply here below, in THE UNDERNEATH.

JOHN
I bet you could get vitamins down here too, right?

VOICE
Yes. All kinds too, not just Vitamin D ones.

JOHN
Wow. It really seems like you guys have your shit together down here.

VOICE
Thank you.

JOHN
All right, I have to take off.

VOICE
Okay. Hold on while I open this thing.

JOHN
Is it a lever?

VOICE
Fool! It is a button and nothing less. The technology of the underneath is beyond your comprehension!

JOHN
I'm sorry, John. I guess I have a lot to learn.

VOICE
Indeed!

JOHN
Okay, later.

VOICE
Later.

THERE IS A GRINDING NOISE AS THE WALL OPENS. JOHN STUMBLES BACK OUT ONTO THE PLATFORM, SHIELDING HIS EYES AGAINST THE GLARE OF THE FLOURESENT LIGHTS. HE GETS ONTO A TRAIN THAT IS JUST ARRIVING.

JOHN (VOICEOVER)
Although I never returned to the underneath and never really thought about it again, I still think that's a pretty good story. And I'm glad it happened, even though I got home so much later, because I learned a lot.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL CREDITS

HANDPLANTED

2007-08-10T12:43:00.000-07:00

In 2001 a man requires a hand transplant due to an accident on a construction site. Little do the doctors know, however, that the man who has lost his hand is a murderer and that he enjoys killing all kinds of people, especially the ladies. And little does the man know that the hand that has replaced his own is that of THE POPE himself. And now, thanks to the mystic power of religion, the hand now gets in the way and interferes whenever he's about to murder someone. For example: when he's coming up to a lady to murder her, the hand will gesture very rapidly that she should run away. And when the man tries to hold his gun in his new hand, the hand will just point the gun at the ground and fire it a bunch of times. And the hand learns basic sign language from a series of TV programs, and signs to a deaf police officer (when filming this police officer should only be "fake deaf"-- I've heard the real deaf are very difficult to direct) that this is the criminal that they've been looking for. They capture him and the hand happily signs a confession.

SURPRISE TWIST is that since the handwriting of the hand doesn't match the handwriting of the criminal, he goes free, and the FBI uses a handwriting Database and determines that the handwriting on the confession belongs to the dead pope. HE is convicted of all the murders and the catholic church is destroyed.

Voodoom 2030

2007-08-08T10:27:00.001-07:00

2030 A.D.

In a world where all must obey the giant talking alligator zombie king, one man is ready to break the rules: Brick Sharpton. And the first rule this young LA cop with a chip on his shoulder is going to break is the most dangerous rule of all: don't shoot the zombie alligator king in the back of the neck with a shotgun. And the second rule he's going to break may be even more dangerous than that: don't fall in love. And the third rule he's going to break is the most dangerous rule of all: don't cheat on your wife when she's the drugged out voodoo priestess that brought the dead talking giant alligator back to what can barely be called "life" in the first place. Brick's in a race to the finish: man versus monster and life versus death. Only one man knows if Brick has the guts to get the ancient voodoo killing dagger and take out his enemies once and for all: Brick himself, and he's not telling nobody.

VOODOOM 2030!

MAN WHO CAN CONTROL ANIMALS

2007-08-07T11:59:00.000-07:00

SCENE: A major urban city. A camping store.

REX: Hey Lazer! Maybe we should get this tent!

LAZER: We won't need a tent in the wilderness where WE'RE going. Just grab those two power bars and we'll get the hizzy out the dizzy.

REX: Lazer-- what about this warm jacket here?

LAZER: Listen to me, Rex: Get the FUCKING power bars and get over here. I've already got everything else we need. See?

Rex is holding two armfuls of camping porn.

REX: Cmon, Lazer-- camping porn? We don't need that stuff--

LAZER: YES WE DO!!!'

REX; Fine, lets go to the check out.

At the check out

CHECK-OUT GIRL: You guys going camping?

LAZER: Obviously.

REX: Yeah-- we're headed up to Mount Danger for the weekend. Should be a blast.

CHECK OUT GIRL: This is a lot of camping porno for one weekend.

LAZER: Shut up, you bitch, and let us pay you.

REX: Rex, chill out!

LAZER: Don't take her side!

REX (to checkout girl): I'm sorry-- here, just take the money.

SCENE: in a car going up a mountain road. Lazer is driving

LAZER: Hey, could you steer for a second-- I want to get a look at some of this camping pornography.

REX: Well, just pull over and I'll drive.

LAZER: Nobody drives this car but the Lazer.

REX: The roads are too curvey for me to steer, Laze.

LAZER: Fuck it then. I'll look at it later. Wait no-- you get it and hold it up so I can see it.

REX: Wasn't that the sign right there?

LAZER: No way, man. Now get that camping pornography.

SCENE: the two guys hike through dense forest. Rex has a small backback, Lazer is carrying two armfuls of camping pornography.

LAZER: We're almost there, Rex.

REX: God, it's so beautiful up here.

LAZER: I know, man. That's why I love camping.

SCENE: Nightfall on Rex and Lazer. Lazer is reading camping pornography in the fading light.

REX: Lazer, it's getting kind of cold. Should we build a fire or something?

LAZER: No man, we'll be fine. Shut up for a second while I read this.

REX: Cool.

SCENE: Morning. Rex and Lazer are both under piles of camping pornography magazines. They clearly almost froze during the night.

REX: Lazer-- the sun is up.

LAZER (groggily): Sweet, dude. Just give me a few more minutes with these magazines and we'll hit the trail.

REX: I think we ought to go now-- I'm starving.

LAZER: Grow up, Rex! We have all day to get down the trail. Eat a power bar.

REX: WE ARE OUT OF POWER BARS, LAZER. WE EACH HAD ONE YESTERDAY, REMEMBER.

LAZER: We'll then fucking man-up, loser. We'll be fine, and the longer you talk to me now the longer it will be before we leave.

REX: You're being a jerk.

LAZER: Christ.

A bear, drawn to the scent of camping pornography, comes out from behind a tree and disembowels Rex with one swipe of its claw.

REX: Oh god-- Lazer, run!

He dies. Lazer takes off into the bushes.

[Fellow screenplayers-- this is all the time I have left to write right now, but I really think this could be inspirational. I promise I'll write another entry where Lazer will learn a lot about him self and nature and the title "MAN WHO CAN CONTROL ANIMALS" makes more sense. Till later! ]

Screenplay Writing Advice 101

2007-07-18T15:20:00.000-07:00

Hi readers-- I've been writing screenplays for a long long time, first on my old website "Screaminglygoodscreenplays.com" and now here on blogger. And although it's true that none of my more than 200 screenplays have been made into major motion pictures (so far!), I have adapted several of my works into animated and stop motion shorts, and during those processes learned a great deal about the creation of screenplays. Those of you who remember how much time I spent writing the third act of The Lurcherer, and how the realities of stop motion made the stadium of mirrors completely impractical, can see how much you can learn from just a few days "on set."
In addition to writing and producing screenplays, I've also read literally thousands of other screenplays sent to me by my agent and posted on other sites like this-- notably AttentionHollywood and screenplaywritingistotallyfunyoushoulddoit.com. In any case, I feel comfortable offering some simple tips to new screenplay writers.

Obviously there are no real "rules" to writing a screenplay-- but these are some sound tips that can point you in the "write" direction. If you have to break them, go ahead-- just know why you're doing it.

1. USE THE THREE ACT STRUCTURE
Every good screenplay has three acts-- the Beginning, in which we meet the main character and figure out what his or her weakness and special powers are, the Middle, in which the main character is motivated by something like his wife getting killed by mobsters or animals or something, and the End, in which the character learns something about himself.

Each act should be thirty pages long.

2. MAKE YOUR STORY INTERESTING
Even though it may be tempting to write a story about someone just hanging out and getting coffee with his friend and then driving to the drycleaners to get his suit, that's not going to make anyone go into a theater and so it's not going to get your screenplay produced. Try to put something amazing into every screenplay you write, something people aren't used to in everyday life. For example, in previous screenplays I have added the following interesting ideas:

An evil hat that drinks mercury
Psychic Sex Dinosaurs
The futuristic crime of "Superrape"
Robots enjoying music
A psychic that can see murders before they happen
Close up shots of penises
An audience member of the people watching the movie fake committing suicide during a childbirth scene
Upside down trucks

You'll be surprised how far an interesting idea can take you in the writing of a screenplay as well. But be careful not to add too many interesting ideas to a screenplay-- I made that mistake in Psychic Dryclean Karate Horse Coffee Date: Boners that Can Talk and I've been meaning to go back and fix it ever since.

3. ADD ACTION

Any screenplay can be given more "Hollywood Appeal" with the simple addition of a few explosions, fights, gun battles, prison escapes, tortures, freeway collapses, and slaps. I make an effort to add at least one of each of those things to every screenplay I write. Obviously it's not always possible, and sometimes you have to compromise (for example, in my period drama Napoleon The Second I changed the freeway collapse to a Superrape.) but as a general rule action is key to making a good screenplay.

I always figure it's better to put too much action in so it can be scaled back later by the producer or whoever.

4. WRITE, WRITE, AND REWRITE

For me, writing is a very long and difficult process, and a lot of times I'll go over the same scene four or even five times before I decide that it is perfect and move on to writing the next scene. You never know what kind of mistake you might make the first time you write it, from forgetting important dialogue that can link the whole movie together to spelling a character's name wrong. Once you're writing the next scene, you're never going to want to go back, so do it right the first time.

It's also helpful to write on a computer, because you can easily copy (control C) and paste (control V) relevant dialogue from other movies you've written if you're going to use it again.

5. SEX THINGS UP

Movie goers really love sex scenes, because like all of us, they're lonely. That's a basic fact of writing. Even if there's no room for a sex scene in the whole movie, you can always add a long, lingering shot of someone's butt or sexy hands or add a couple of masturbation scenes. In fact, the sexiest screenplay I ever wrote, Jeff Conners, the Last Ultimate Fighter on Earth, featured only one heterosexual male character.

If you can though, add the "magic number" of movie sex scenes, 8.

Well, that's all I can tell you right now. Writing a screenplay is hard work-- Don't give up, keep writing, and maybe the dream of Hollywood will one day be yours!

Steve

Scene from the movie GUN WITH LEGS

2007-07-17T08:50:00.000-07:00

SCENE:
We see a gun factory. Everything looks like it's going fine, but then it EXPLODES in a HUGE FIREBALL.

CUT TO:
The campus of Yale College. DENMORE CAVENDISH, a VERY SEXY professor with GORGEOUS GREEN EYES and LONG GLAMOUROUS BLOND HAIR, is sitting at his desk looking at some papers he's grading.

DENMORE: God I've got so many papers to grade. This one is an A.

The phone rings. DENMORE PICKS IT UP.

DENMORE: Professor Denmore Cavendish here... oh, it's you Mr. Secretary of Defense. But look, you've called the wrong guy. I'm no longer the world's leading expert on Mercury, and when I finally killed the Mercury-Powered Death Hat after it returned several times I changed jobs for good. Now I'm an expert on radioactivity and guns. Or didn't you get the memo!!!!

Denmore angrily hangs up the phone. The camera lingers on his SEXY HANDS. The phone rings again.

DENMORE:... So you did get the memo.... An explosion of what and where?.... I'm on the first plane, Secretary.

Denmore stands up and take a moment to put his hair up into a PERFECT PONYTAIL. Then he looks over at his bookcase.

DENMORE: If I'm right about what went down when that radioactive dirty bomb went off in the gun factory, I'm definitely going to need this-

Denmore grabs a RADIATION DETECTOR from the shelf.

DENMORE: And these.

Denmore grabs a tubby labeled HAND GRENADES from the shelf. Then he presses a button on his phone.

DENMORE: Marlene-- you're going to have to cancel all my classes the next week.

MARLENE: Okay.

DENMORE: Thanks, sexyass. If anyone needs me, I'll be at the airport.

Denmore strides out his office door carrying the handgun and the tubby. We see his butt.

{This movie is a sequel to the as yet unproduced thriller Death Hat. Any thoughts?}

THE MAP MASTER

2007-07-13T13:21:00.000-07:00

VOICEOVER
Bob D'Atlas was just another guy working in the cartography lab at the Smithonian Institution. Everyday he came into work, catalogued some precious maps, ate a sandwich, and went home. But one day a new map came in-- a map locked in a gold case and said to possess all the secrets of the orient and of Africa.

BOB
Well, that's just Mumbo Jumbo.

VOICEOVER
But when an asteroid made of a material never seen before on earth smashes into the Smithonian at the exact second Bob first looks at the map, his life will change forever.

We see the Smithonian explode in a towering fireball. Then Bob walks out of the flames.

BOB
Who am I? Where am I? Wait a second, I know exactly where I am!

VOICEOVER
Others can't believe his new powers.

Bob is in a taxi.

TAXI DRIVER
Trust me, man. We have to get on the parkway.

BOB (angry)
I SAID TAKE A LEFT!!!!

VOICEOVER
But when Super Criminal Loco McMuerte abuses Bob's powers...

We see Loco McMuerte smashing in a case in a jewelry store and grabbing some precious rings. He has a badger hat on.

LOCO
That stupid idiot told me exactly where this Jewelry store was!!! Fool!

VOICEOVER:
...Bob learns there's more to his powers than he ever imagined.

We see Bob standing at the door of the jewelry store, wearing a cape and clothes made of maps and surround by whirling angry-looking maps of all sizes.

BOB
Maps, attack!

LOCO
No!!!

Loco fires his gun at the maps as they fly toward him. But they have no effect, and soon he and his henchmen are packaged up in maps and are outside floating next to the Map Master.

BOB
This way to the jail!

We see Loco in a jail cell.

LOCO
I'm going to get him for this.

VOICEOVER
But there was one thing Bob didn't count on-- falling in love with a divorced woman with three geography-loving kids and a dangerous drug habit.

We see Bob wearing a map hat desperately giving CPR to a drugged out middle aged woman with foam and blood coming out of her nose while three young kids watch. The kids names are CODY, JESSICA, and LIL' IAN.

CODY
Hey Bob? what's the capitol of Madagascar?

BOB
Antananariva. Breath! Breathe!

JESSICA
How far is it from Detroit to Miami?

BOB
1,388 miles! C'mon Judy! Please-- I love you!

LIL' IAN
What's the geographical center of Russia?

BOB
SHUT UP YOU LITTLE BASTARD! CAN'T YOU SEE I'M TRYING TO SAVE YOUR MOTHER'S LIFE?!

Lil' Ian begins to cry as his brother and sister look at Bob, hurt. We see the look on Bob's face-- he can't believe he just took his frustration out on these little kids that have started to mean so much to him. He's so sorry but he knows he can't take it back.

VOICEOVER
Bob never could have known the direction his life would take him. But as the map master, he's going to find out. This summer in Screamingly Good Screenplays' new blockbuster: The Map Master. Starring Richard Dreyfus.

We see Bob, Cody, Jessica, and Lil' Ian in a car driving down a lonely stretch of highway. Music: In Your Eyes by Peter Gabriel.

BOB
We made it! The geographical center of Russia!

EVERYONE
Yeah!!

Fade to black, Title Card. Then we see the Loco McMuerte Mobile following them. Music Sting.

MY FATHER IS A GHOST???? the movie

2007-07-10T21:11:00.000-07:00

Teen singing sensation Sindy Sheehan has a surprise in store when she gets home early from her week long rock tour: her father is walking through walls while he's making the toast! At first she's scared, but then she's mad when her mother and father sit down to tell her that her father has been a ghost ever since he was a little boy and that it doesn't change the way they love her. Sindy's so mad she throws her guitar right THROUGH her father!!!!

"So it's true!" she cries, crying and runs up the stairs of her mansion to her luxury room.

"Knock Knock Knock" she hears coming from the window. It's her best friend ever Jimothy J. Jickler, a nine foot tall endocrinally challenged monstrosity who's both her best friend and the captain of Hollywood High's football, baseball, basketball, soccer, track, cross-country, swim, crew, tennis, golf, volleyball, hockey, badmitton, debate, chess, model U.N., bowling, and competitive esperanto teams. He's every girl's dream, but he's always been just a friend to Sindy and she can't see that he loves him even though all her many friends can.

"Saluton!" says Jim,climbing through the window and hunching his giant frame beneath the ceiling. His bald head is bleeding for some reason but he doesn't know and Sindy is too good a friend to tell him. "I missed you while you were gone!"

"Oh fuck!," says Sindy, "You're never gonna believe what just happened to me!"

"What?" says Jim. "Did you fall in love on the tour?"

Jim starts to cry. This is when the audience to the movie finally realizes how appropriate it is that his t-shirt says "MAN AM I A PUSSY."

"Worse than that," says Sindy. "When I got home I found out my father is really a ghost."

Jim smiles, glad that Sindy did not fall in love. But then he starts crying again for no reason.

"What should I do?" says Sindy.

"Well, it doesn't change the way your parents love you, does it?"

"That's what they said. Get the fuck out of my house, freak."

Sindy, drawing a letter opener from her desk, threatens to stab Jim in the balls until he slowly backs out of the room and steps out of the window to the ground, his hugely distended form requiring no ladder. Sindy falls onto her bed crying as Jim's shuddering footfalls recede into the distance.

Sindy looks at her phone.

"Oh no!" she says to herself. "I've just ruined my friendship with Jimothy! Well, at least this inspires me to write a song."

MORE TO COME ON THIS AWESOME HORROR/THRILLER.

NOW ACCEPTING SUBMISSIONS FOR THE SONG THAT SINDY SINGS.

This movie is based on a book I will write.

Not related to Fox's and later the WB's classic "Grounded For Life."

DRONOMEOS: REVEANGANCE FROM THE SPACE FUTURE

2007-07-05T13:06:00.001-07:00

In the year 7000 when everybody lives in spaceships in space, someone finally invents a time machine and sells it to the public. Also, in an amazing twist, murder is now legal in the future because the population of the earth has reached 80 Trillion and no one gives a hoot anymore.

MEANWHILE BACK ON EARTH IN THE YEAR 2008
Suddenly time machines start showing up everywhere and people bust out of them with lazers-- you see, their plan is to murder the ancestors of people who pissed them off in the future. It's like the ultimate kill-- killing not only the person you want to kill, but killing all their grandparents back for five thousand years! And we poor humans with only our shotguns and .45 caliber handguns have to watch out for future crazies with lazers and old faded pictures of us! It's a fight to the finish. And the reason they came back to 2008 is because the lazer shield is invented in 2009. And finally one man realizes there's only one way to stop it-- hop into a time machine with huge nuclear bomb and set it to go off in the future. He destroys the future to save the past the only way he knows how. His name is Jake and he's a marine that's tired of doing evil work for the man and has moved to mexico to become an alcoholic and sad but good hearted executive body guard. And he's the best in the business.

DRONOMEOS: Reveangance from the space future.

This guy knows what time it is.

TROPICALIA

2007-07-03T09:13:00.000-07:00

How about a movie where Clive Owen goes to Mexico and becomes best friends with a police dog that can smell out crime? But then the dog runs away and Clive Owen is alone again.

DRAGOSAUR

2007-06-06T21:27:00.001-07:00

OUTER SPACE
A huge shadow crosses over the moon buggy the NASA space program left on the moon. The audience hears a low rumbling. We don't see what's making the shadow, but it's got to be huge. The shadow then passes over a Chinese astronaut in a spacesuit doing karate moves in front of a space camera. The astronaut looks up, stares for a second, then grabs his chest over his heart and slowly falls to the ground. He was so amazed that he had a heart attack.

MAINLAND CHINA
A family of happy chinese people sit around a chinese couch watching the live broadcast of China's first man on the moon. A series of banners behind them reads "China on Moon!" in chinese. A young chinese boy, QUON. spits his noodles out all over the screen as he sees the poor astronaut hit the moon ground.

OUTER SPACE
A giant black shadow crosses over the sun-- the audience realizes that whatever this thing is that just showed up in Earth territory, it's literally bigger than the sun. Finally the camera pulls back to reveal.... OH MY GOD IT'S A GIANT SPACE SHIP THAT'S SHAPED LIKE A CROSS BETWEEN A DRAGON AND A DINOSAUR.

The earth floats by in front on it, puny by comparison.

TIMES SQUARE
Thousands of New Yorker's Stare upward at the massive ship above them. All of them are astonised, and several of them are having heart attacks like the chinese astronaut.

Close on BRUCE WILLIS, finally playing himself. He's on his cell phone. He glances up and does a double take at the massive ship.

BRUCE WILLIS: A ship...it's so big-- like a cross between a dragon and a dinosaur. (snapping back to reality) Demi-- go out side and look up. Call me back-- if you can. And Demi?
(pause)
Whatever happens, I want you to know that I ... I still love you.

Suddenly the jumbotron in times square turns off. There's an evil humming sound and it turns back on, and so does every television, radio, ipod, walkie talkie. and lightbulb. There's a few beeps, and then a voice as old as time screeches out from every one of those devices. It's scratchy and full to the brim with EVIL.

VOICE: WELCOME EARTHLINGS!! WELCOME...TO YOUR DOOM!

Cut to a man staring up at the sky. His nose starts bleeding. The camera cuts to a woman, who's nose starts bleeding also. Very rapidly we see thirty to forty peoples noses start bleeding, giving the (true) impression that everyone on earth has a bloody nose. Then it cuts back to Times Square, where Bruce's nose is really really bleeding.

VOICE: 20 MILLION YEARS AGO WE, THE MIGHTY DRAGOSAURS, RULED THIS PLANET WITH A CRUEL HAND-- A HAND WITH IRON CLAWS! THEN WE DISCOVERED HIGHER TECHNOLOGY, AND LEFT EARTH BEHIND TO SET OUR EVIL UPON THE GALAXY!!! HAHAHAHAH!!!!

Cut to a rapid succession of people going crazy with fear, banging their head agaist walls, crying, even getting out guns to shoot themselves with.

WOMAN IN ENGLAND: Please... no.

VOICE: AND NOW WE HAVE RETURNED TO EARTH TO FIND THE SICKENING APES WE LEFT BEHIND HAVE TAKEN OVER OUR BIRTHPLANET!

Cut to the Pope with a bloody nose looking up at the giant ship and paging rapidly through the bible for an answer. He's crying. Back to Bruce Willis.

VOICE: THIS IS A GREAT DISAPPOINTMENT TO US, AS WE HAD HOPED TO RULE THE PLANET ONCE MORE. BUT ACCORDING TO THE DRAGOSAUR CODE YOU HUMANS GET TO KEEP THE PLANET BECAUSE WE LEFT. WE WILL RETURN IN ONE MILLION YEARS!

BRUCE WILLIS: Huh?

The ship blinks out of existence. The sun returns. Bruce looks around and sees a lot of people with bloody noses. The jumbotron turns back on-- It's Berni Mac selling Pontiacs.

CUT TO BLACK

TITLE
NINE MONTHS LATER

THE HOLLYWOOD HILLS
Demi Moore and Bruce Willis sit on a beautiful patio above hollywood.

DEMI: Bruce-- we need to talk.

BRUCE: What about?

DEMI: Look, after the Dragosaurs everything was crazy.

BRUCE: Yeah-- I still don't know how to feel about it.

DEMI: The thing is, there were reasons we got divorced before the arrival of the Dragosaurs. And... and the reasons are still there.

Pause.

DEMI: We don't work.

BRUCE: What? I love you-- You're pregnant with my baby.

DEMI: I've been seeing Ashton again. And I love him.

BRUCE: No-- what? The dragosaurs... they...

DEMI: I'm sorry to put you through this again.

BRUCE: Oh God. Look, it's fine. I guess.... I guess that's just how this has to work.

DEMI: Thanks Bruce. I really care about you. I don't want to hurt you.

BRUCE: Well, should we tell the press now or wait for after Dragosaur the movie comes out?

DEMI: I don't know. Why don't we chill out for a while and then go talk to Paramount?

BRUCE: I'm going to New York. I need to be there. That's where this all started.

DEMI: Okay. Good luck. For now let's not tell anyone, okay?

BRUCE: Alright. I... I think I'm just going to get on a plane right now.

DEMI: Okay.

Bruce gets up to leave.

BRUCE: The baby-- is it mine?

DEMI: I don't know.

Bruce nods and step through the patio door back into the house. He closes the screen door with a shaking click.

{MORE TO COME-- REAL POTENTIAL HERE, AM I RIGHT?}

A WOMAN SCORNED

2007-05-31T23:57:00.000-07:00

When professional accountant Tanya Lowney gets rejected for her bank loan, she figures it was because she had bad credit. When she finds out she's making 73% less than her male coworkers, she figures it's because they're better at accounting than she is. And when the boss grabs her butt cheek at the company picnic, she figures that "boys will be boys."

But then, in a seance gone horribly wrong, Tanya summons the ghost of early feminist Susan B. Anthony. In only moments Tanya is infected, and the evil spirit of Susan B. Anthony fills her with a terrible urge to kill all men on earth and gives her the superpowers to do it. Nothing can stop Tanya's insane rage, especially since she isn't married and has never had children.

As she rips up the constitution in the rubble of what was once our nations beloved capitol, her evil super-powers giving her man-like strength, ace journalist Jack O'Brian approaches her with his notepad and camera. His piercing gaze and stubbled jaw would make the harshest lesbian swoon, but Tanya appears unmoved. Only when Jack saves her from a snake does her heart open up to him, and only when he teaches her to drive does she realize that she loves him. With the helpless curses of Susan B. Anthony ringing up from hell as their soundtrack, the couple uses Tanya's powers to undo all the harm she has done, and to make the world a safer place for kids besides. Lesson learned.

A WOMAN SCORNED: A movie soon to be available from Screamingly Good Screenplays.

ADVENTURE CRAZY: X 2THA X2

2007-05-18T14:47:00.000-07:00

DATELINE: fucking point .25 seconds after the end of ADVENTURE CRAZY: X 2THA X.

If you recall: Darren, Tamara, and our hero international superspy moviestar hard-drinking professional surf-racer Zak X. Flavordrome were enjoying a good laugh after defeating the evil plan of General Smashmouth inside his secret lab inside Mount Danger. Zak had just made a hilarious joke, but even before everyone is finished laughing three shots ring out! They're missiles from a missile sniper and Zak is the only one smart enough to duck just in time. Tamara and Darren's torsos explode but Zak doesn't even have time to watch as he goes into a monkey roll and comes up with two .357 magnums from dead soldiers and pulls the triggers and kills all 25 of the missile snipers just as they pull their triggers. BANG RING BANG RING BANG RING RING! Missiles explode all around Zak as he dodges behind the space shuttle and pulls out his top secret government cell phone.

"Hello?" he says into the phone as he grabs a zipline that leads all the way down from the top of the Mount Danger to the bottom of Diablo Canyon."Oh, hello Mr. President." Zak says but just then he has to throw his cell phone at one of three hundred jet pack ninjas that are suddenly swarming all around him throwing thousands of honed shurikens at him as he accelerates down the zipline, which, it turns out, has just been set on fire.

Zak jumps off the line, jumps off a jetpack ninja and onto another jetpack ninja again and again and again all the way down to edge of Diablo Canyon, where there's a supertank that weighs 40,000 tons waiting for him and firing 50 howitzers at him per second even as he has to dodge all the falling jetpack ninjas that are falling all around him since he jumped on their backs and fucked up their jetpacks. He leaps behind a boulder and luckily finds his phone only slightly damaged. The phone goes to his ear as he drop kicks the first of 200 robo-dobermans with electric fangs that are being shot at him out of prototype pooch cannon developed by the Nazis.

"What's up, President Goldboard?"

"Bad news, Zak. Smashmouth is back."

"General Smashmouth? But that's impossible!" says Zak, swinging a robotic doberman up into the sky and hitting the chief of the Jetpack Ninjas, Deathimoto, who crashes into a dump truck full of grenades and hugely explodes.

"Believe it, Flavordrome-- The one you killed was just a clone!"

"Shitfuck! Then where can Smashmouth be hiding?"

"He's in anot--"

Zak tosses the phone away in disgust, tired of the bullshit games.

"I'll solve this myself, my way. But wait, I better ask the president something.'

Flavordrome grabs the phone as he knocks an assassin off a dirtbike, jumps on it, and takes off in between two helicopters which crash into each other and destroy the supertank. But when he listens to the phone all he can hear is gunshots and a gargling sound.

"Fuck!" shouts Flavordrome to the sky."They got Goldboard-- the only president I've ever trusted."

The camera zooms in on Flavordrome's face as he jumps the dirt bike off a ramp and throws throwing knives at four huge biker dudes with heat sinking missles that are tracking his dirtbike through the sky. "Time to kick it up a notch!" he says. All the biker dudes get hit in the eye, fall backwards and fire their missiles at the sky, where the missiles hit russian stealth jets which crash all around Zak as he makes the final jump over Diablo cannon and into Area 2 Million, the secret government research area that Zak's dead father designed the same day Zak first got signed as a professional rockboarder at the age of 9.

"There's only one place Smashmouth could be hiding-- another dimension." Flavordrome says through his teeth, kicking the brains out of two guards in mid-air and slamming a mountain dew: code red as he slides into a ventilation shaft 20 feet off the ground. "And me knowing how to get to that dimension is only half the battle."

Just then, Zak shoots his way out of the ventilation shaft and into at supersecret meeting of top villains at which General Smashmouth is just then yelling "We have to stop Flavordrome!" As Zak leaps over the villains, snapping the necks of more than half of them on his way to General Smashmouth, Smashmouth takes out a remote control and opens a gateway to another dimension and leaps through as it closes. Zak just has time to grab his ankle, which he breaks instantly.

The camera zooms in on Zaks face again. "Shitlord," he says, then gets into a heavily armed research hovercraft and crashes through giant warehouse doors shooting lazers in every direction killing 50,000 attack pterodactyls out of the sky in one second but what Zak didn't know is that they've been rigged to explode when they hit the ground. Zak realizes the hovercraft isn't going to make it so we see him slam his foot down on the gas pedal and throw it into 10th gear just as 8,000 pterodactyls crash land onto it-- Zak stands on the roof as the hovercraft slides forward exploding to shit and Zak leaps off and kicks down a metal door and punches out the guards behind it. Zak runs past a wall and he's going so fast that only in the DVD features will it be revealed that on the wall there's a sign that says "This way to the dimension research labs and nuclear weapon storage."

Two seconds later Zak pushes a ten-ton box that says "Warheads" on the side through a dimensional portal and taps in the time to explosion code for 2 seconds, then he pushes the bomb in and closes the portal just as the detonator goes off and reality waves shimmer.

Zak is clearly about to say something like-- "I bet that killed him" or something when the portal opens and GENERAL SMASHMOUTH, his face a mask of cruelty, steps out only now he's a hundred feet tall and he's got a HUGE MACHINE GUN that shoots bullets that are 8 feet long and poison which he fires everywhere and which destroy everything.

"YOU FOOL" General Smashmouth shouts. "In the X dimension Nuclear Blasts just make every one MORE POWERFUL. You've fallen right into my trap and the wages for your fall are certain death! HAHAHAHAH."

And just as General Smashmouth is holding his giant gun against Zak's head and pulls the trigger and the huge bullet is actually traveling down the gun to explode his head Zak dodges and pulls a warhead out from his parka and jumps up and jams it in Smashmouth's now huge belly button hole. They look into each other's eyes as Zak presses the remote control. Close up on Zak as he says "You're the one that got fooled, Smashmouth." Then Zak dives behind the crates as the blast goes off and Smashmouth is blown in half and is killed for good.

"Wow," says Zak. " And to think for this I missed going to that Linkin Park concert"

Zak chuckles.

END OF MOVIE

THE VILE DR. ABOMOBILE!

2007-05-06T19:01:00.000-07:00

The camera blinks and seems to wake up-- the audience realizes that at least for now the movie is in first person and they are literally seeing through the eyes of the protagonist, who in this case is BETSY INFERNO. BETSY (AKA THE CAMERA AND, THUS, THE AUDIENCE) look first right then left in a dim room-- then she (they) realize that, oh shit, she is in a hi-tech science lab, her arms are strapped down to a gurney, and worse yet she is all alone. The audience hears her scream "HELP!" "HELP GET ME OUT OF HERE" followed by one more, weak, "Help." The eyes close ovet the camera lens.

CUT TO FEET WALKING DOWN A METAL HALLWAY: We see one wing-tip style shoe, one reebok, and one teva sandal walking together, along with a single dog leg.

PAN UP to the terrible creature that is THE VILE DR. ABOMOBILE! Due to an astonishingly high number of genetic and teleportation experiments gone wrong, the doctor that was once a nubile, handsome brunette with 18 inch biceps and a winning smile is now a hideous freak-- in his monstrous appearance we are able to discern aspects of dog, bull, praying mantis, moth, bear, werewolf, and unicorn. Thick black drool drips from his sickening fangs as he strides confidently down the corridor.

DR. ABOMOBILE: Heh heh heh.

BACK TO INSIDE THE EYEBALLS OF BETSY INFERNO.

The eyes look around and see all kinds of objects in the room.

BETSY: Oh my gosh! Where on earth am I? Whats that over there? A refridgerator? But why all those flashing buttons on it, in so many colors! And look over there-- a sink! It appears that there are several beakers in it awaiting washing-- but why would a normal person be washing something like beakers? Oh forget it, Betsy-- Why would a normal person have chained you to this gurney? I'm sure in trouble now. And look-- the big metal door with chains on it is opening slowly!

With a creak the big metal door opens slowly. Behind it is revealed the horrible VILE DR. ABOMOBILE, whose creepy eyestalks and wierd scaley skin draw attention away from what was once his perfect physique. His formerly strong cheekbones and tight butt are nothing but a memory now-- is he more animal than man? The VILE DR. ABOMOBILE steps up to the table and looks down at Betsy Inferno, and so looks down into the lens of the camera, and thus down at at the movie viewing audience.

DR. ABOMOBILE:
Welcome to my laboratory, Ms. Betsy Inferno.

BESTY INFERNO:
SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!!!!!

The Camera pulls rapidly away, temporarily revealing Betsy Inferno (stacked) at the cruel mercy of the most hideous thing ever to walk the earth before it travels through solid rock, up, up, up, to the streets of Manhattan itself.

TITLE
Manhattan New York
Present Day

LUCIOUS SNAKETRAPPER enters frame, striding purposefully. He is very tall and has a thin beard, and is wearing an expensive suit. He would rival a younger DR. ABOMOBILE himself in terms of handsomeness. He speaks into a tiny cell phone.

LUCIOUS
God Damn it, Foxetta! Betsy Inferno is my best reporter and she's gone missing! We've got to find her, and since I have an important meeting with the National Science Council today you have to find her.

He listens.

LUCIOUS
The New York Times is the most famous and best newpaper on the planet. And you're an easy slut!

Lucious angrily hangs up his phone and enters his office in the magnificent New York Times building. He passes Foxetta, a sexy body-building type woman in a reporter costume.

FOXETTA
I am not!

LUCIOUS (as he walks past her and a people surround him getting him to sign stuff):
If the shoe fits, whore.

Lucious gets into his office, which says 'EDITOR-IN- CHEIF" on the door. He slams the door.

LUCIOUS
Man! How am I gonna find Besty!

Pause

LUCIOUS
This makes me wish I was Perry White, the newpaper editor from the comics. Cause at least he had Superman to help him out! Now in this scenario its Perry that's going to rescue Louis Lane, and Perry never had to meet with any National Scientists cause he never invented a DNA gun!

Lucious takes out the gun from his desk, which is small but looks futuristic.

LUCIOUS
Wow-- to think this gun undoes genetic strands and rearranges them so that people die. Too bad you can't control how it rearranges them. You could stop cancer and other diseases. But I never thought of how to do that when I was inventing it. Anyway, I better tell those scientists I'm going to be late-- sometimes when you want to save your friend your only choice is to do it yourself.

He tucks the gun into his fur coat and stands to leave.

LUCIOUS
Now I wonder where she is...

REALOSITY

2007-04-15T09:49:00.000-07:00

MENZEL EAGLEWHIP: I'm gonna get you, you robot made out of glass!

FUSSEL CRABBLAST: You'll never get me! I've been made immortal by the power of the internet!

MENZEL: Tell me where the kidnapped child is!

FUSSEL: I never will! I'm too smart for you!

MENZEL: (Firing two guns into the sky!) No!!!!

FUSSEL: I'm a sixty terrabyte, self-evolving, neural network, double backflip off the high platform. I'm not a swan dive.

MENZEL: Why did humankind trust AOL!?

FUSSEL: You've got mail.

The hot air balloon begins to drop rapidly

MENZEL: I'm getting too old for this shit.

IS THIS LOVE?

2007-03-24T12:19:00.000-07:00

In the year 201203109312903198013781267137697127891278921312312321 A.D., future technology has made it possible to give someone your OWN HEART for Valentines Day. People think it's really romantic when someone breaks out a cooler, reaches in, and pulls out their own blood soaked heart, still pumping. A common line at this point is "My Heart Beats for You." Which is exactly what Our Hero Glen Jones (Ryan Reynolds) said on the roof of the empire state building to his beloved Claire (Claire Danes) that romantic night after a nice dinner at a mexican restaurant. But he wasn't expecting what she said next.

"Oh My God!" she said. "I recognize that heart. It belonged to my dead ex-boyfriend, Jason!"

At first Glen didn't believe it. He couldn't believe it! But then when he got a genetic test from a vending machine, he realized it was true. But how could it be? He'd has his own heart forever. OR HAD HE? What follows is an astonishing tale of the uncovery of the truth. Memory Loss. Memory ERASURE. Murder. Death Faking. Guys from the Mafia. And the realization that the man Glen thought he was has NOTHING to do with the man he is.

And what about Claire? How come she has a bunch of shotguns?

In the future, the ONLY thing real is LOVE.

Which begs the question...

IS
THIS
LOVE?

Some Call it Vengeance.

2007-03-09T10:35:00.000-08:00

ANNOUNCER VOICEOVER:
In a world where old men are made fun of for no reason--

(Shot of old man walking down a boardwalk with a cane. Some young people stand around him)

YOUNG WOMAN:
HEY OLD MAN--You're gonna BURN IN HELL!!!!

OLD MAN: (quavery like an old person)
Now why would you say that to a nice old man like--

(He is cut off)

YOUNG MAN:
AND YOUR HAT MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE A JACK-OFF!!!!!

ANNOUNCER VO:
And where the government does nothing to stop it.

(The president gives his state of the union to all of congress)

PRESIDENT HODGKINS:
Old people are bullshit.

(Establishing shot of old folks home)

ANNOUNCER VO:
Some senior citizens are getting very, very pissed off.

(Shot of an old person asleep with "loser" written on his forehead in magic marker in a hospital bed.)

ALAN ARKIN: (as Ernie Clauson, standing in front of the old person in the bed.)
Look what those bastards did to Waylon!

(Close up on face of Willie Nelson as Abner Jones looking pissed, then back to Arkin)

ALAN ARKIN:
Somebody's got to DO something.

ANNOUNCER VO:
It only took two men to mobilize an entire generation. Some call it "The greatest Generation."

(Willie and Alan Arkin cock shotguns in front of burning mall. Behind them old men armed with shovels and IV stands look menacingly on.)

ANNOUNCER VO:
Some call it Vengeance.

COMING SOON FROM SCREAMINGLY GOOD PICTURES. SEE IT!

SUCKER PUNCH

2007-03-01T12:18:00.000-08:00

Pan up on a yacht in flames at night.

MARK (VoiceOver):
That night, my yacht burned up. And exploded.

The yacht explodes.

MARK (VO)
And went back in time.

The burning yacht is surrounded by swirling neon lights that look amazing. Then it disappears in flash of green light.

MARK (VO)
That was when I decided to start a militia.

Pan over to show MARK FLAGSON, handsome squarejawed millionaire prizefighter looking fellow in a torn up tuxedo, adrift in a rowboat. Mark nods.

MARK
Yes... a militia.

Mark puts on a pair of headphones and scrolls through his ipod until he finds Rage Agaist the Machines cover of Andy Williams "Happy Heart." Then he starts rowing.

BEGIN MONTAGE THAT LASTS FOR THE REST OF THE MOVIE
Starting with "Happy Heart" and continuing through various montage songs, including the Huey Lewis classic "Hip to be Square," N' Sync's "I want you back," and B.J. Thomas' "Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head," and ending with all of the 2nd K.D. Lang album played in order, we watch an unbelievably lengthy but deeply moving long montage. The following scenes are included:

1. Mark arriving at his house, kissing his wife, who thought he was dead.
2. Mark with dictionary in his huge study-- he looks up the word "Militia" and nods.
3. Mark's wife tries to get him to come to bed because it's late-- but he shakes his head and keeps looking at the computer. He's at "Militia.com"
4. Mark at the the beautiful San Francisco Public Library-- he's reading the back pages of "Soldier of Fortune Magazine." He smiles.
5. Mark on a payphone gesticulating wildy.
6. Mark checks mailbox in a tux. But it's empty.
7. Mark checks mailbox in work-out outfit. But it's empty.
8. Mark checks mailbox in a leprachaun costume with a giant novelty penis bulge. He gets his copy of Soldier of Fortune Magazine! He turns to the back and sees his advertisement, "Militia Needed, 917 555 5968". He nods.
9. Mark waits by the phone for a call.
10. Mark's adorable son Jason is using the phone. Mark grabs the phone away from him and hangs it up. Jason is sad. Mark reaches into his pocket and hands him a brand new cell phone with a bow on it. Jason smiles.
11. Repeat of scene 10 in different clothes.
12. Mark waits by the phone more. No one calls. Mark is disappointed. But then he has a great idea!
13.Ext. establishing shot of Army Recruitment Center
14. Mark kicks in the wall of the Army recuitment center and shoots the two uniformed employees in the chest twice each before they can react. They die.
15. Mark wipes a blood stained mop across the bloody floor of the recruitment center. He's wearing the blood stained uniform of the first person he shot. A young man enters with a questioning look on his face. Mark smiles, then looks to camera and nods.
16. Mark and the new soldier sit behind the sign up table. There's a line out the door of other people waiting to sign up. Mark smiles.
17. Mark yells at a ragtag line of army guys on his Lavish New England estate.
(MUSIC: Counting Crows' "Mr. Jones"/ Motorhead's "Ace of Spades" Super Mashup by DJ Dangermouse (Extended Dance Version).)
18. Mark tosses a box of Uzis up into the air like when Pee Wee Herman tosses his candy up into the air at the drive-in at the end of Pee Wee's Big Adventure. All the guys scramble for them. Mark nods.
19. The Militia Marches down a suburban street.
20. The Militia at attention on a boat during the day-- through wild gesticulation we see that Mark is telling all of them the story of how his yacht burned, blew up, and went back in time. They look pretty wowed.
21. Back at Mark's lavish estate, Mark shakes hands with all his militia men, Pats them on the arm, and leads them outside to their cars. It is clear that he is thanking them and that they are leaving for good. They all are very confused to be leaving so soon. It is here that we realize Mark is truly, truly insane.
22. Mark kills his wife.
23. Mark sets fire to a church.
24. Mark sets fire to church number 2.
25. Outside a church, Mark is surrounded by dozens of cops. He's holding a large burning Star of David and his dick is sticking out of his pants. The police approach and Mark drops the burning star and raises his hands. As he is handcuffed he begins to cry. Pan over to reveal he is crying at the sight of an advertisement on a billboard that features two anthropomorthic labrador puppies holding hands.

FADE TO BLACK

ADVENTURE CRAZY: X 2THA X

2007-02-23T11:13:00.000-08:00

Superfamous Rockstar snowboarder and government agent Zak X. Flavordrome was just having one more day in his awesome life-- snowboarding down Mount Danger with his very hot girlfriend, Tamara, while listening to music trax on his ipod sunglasses. It was a great day, and he even did a 1080 off a jump that was hundreds of feet tall.
But little did he know! Just as he lands from the jump 600 helicopters rise above the mountain horizon and blast 2000 high explosive missle rockets at him. They explode all around him but he dodges, but there's an avalanche, so he has to ride the avalanche all the way to the bottom of the mountain as the helicopters chase him shooting machine guns and more missiles. And thirty of them have napalm, which he has to jump over on his board. But waiting for him at the bottom of the mountain are 5000 tanks and a whole brigade of infantry men! As Zak skyhops over them on his board and lands in his 6 wheeled ultra porche, he gets a text message from his scientist friend-- "General Smashmouth is staging a military Coup to destroy the government and YOU are his first target!" Zak shouts "Shit!" just as the phone is blasted out of his hand by an exploding arrow.
Squeelling around the foothills of Mount Danger in what is clearly the most expensive car ever made at a pace that makes his face distort to the max, Zak dodges a fleet of kamikaze death jet pilots that smash into the road all around him! He's forced to make a jump! Into the canyon he goes, then jumps out of the car as it falls and uses his free-fall parachute to fly into one of General Smashmouth's super attack helicopters. In four punches all eight of the helicopters crew members are falling to their deaths, and nine seconds later Zak crashes the bullet ridden chopper into the conning tower of General Smashmouths main stolen aircraft carrier, which explodes the fuck up to the sky. But at the last second Zak jumps out and lands in a submarine, which he immediately pours rocket fuel all over and sets on fire, escaping in an experimental Jetski that can go 4 times the speed of sound.

Zak wastes no times goofing off and sinks the 25 battleships that are guarding Miami harbor-- tricking them all into firing at one another. But Zak doesn't have time to count up all the bodies of the people he just killed-- he has to save Tamara, and he does it by pulling the ejector seat on the jetski and flying up into the sky as the jetski crashes into a huge plastic explosive bomb General Smashmouth set up to destroy Fort Knox! Entering yet another one of the attack helicopters that have been firing at him NON-STOP for the two minutes of this movie since the helicopters first showed up, Zak only needs three punches to disable all ten of the helicopters crew. As Zak pilots the helicopter around the other helicopters and destroys the 2 mile long secret weapon star wars attack blimp, he makes a radio call into Smashmouth after taking out his sunglasses earphones.

"Smashmouth!" he shouts over the hail of huge bullets pouring into the helicopter from all the other helicopters.

"Yes, this is General Smashmouth" he hears.

"You're fucking dead!" He shouts back, as he blows up 200 helicopters with his helicopter's gatling gun and makes other helicopters crash into each other, then jumps the fuck out of the helicopter and lands in General Smashmouths Prisoner Interogation Camp Alpha, where guards with Lazers make their prisoner slaves teach giant robots how to enslave prisoners. Jack kicks the brain out the skull of the warden as he lands, shoots 25 other guards with a lazer pistol in 3 seconds and the shouts "Prisoners unite! We don't have to take it!" and all the prisoners rise up and kill the robots, except for the one Zak rides out of the camp on at 300 miles an hour shooting down helicopters with a lazer from.

Just then Zak spots a tag on the robot-- "Made in Outer Space." Zak's says "Like Oh Fuck" and he's right because General Smashmouth's legions have takes over Nasa, which the audience figures out immediately as Zach smashes through the gates at Cape Caneveral tossing teargas grenades, smoke grenades, and real grenades at the asscockloads of Smashmouth soldiers that are guarding the space shuttle which is right then counting down to launch. Zak heads rights for it but he can see it's locked so he he shoots a door sized square in it and jumps in with the robot. And the robot plugs the hole just as the shuttle blasts off, and Zak does a monkey roll and comes up socking Space Admiral Gigantenstein, the gnarly evil shuttle pilot Smashmouth got from the circus (info from DVD commentary only) right in the nose just as they are both slammed to the floor by terrific g- forces. Then even though there's g-forces Zak stands up and kicks Gigantenstein in the dick and balls and is like "Where THE FUCK is General Smashmouth's fucking base?" And Gigantenstein knows he's gonna die and says " Ha Ha! You fool! It's INSIDE Mount Danger and has been this entire time!

"Oh shit." Thinks Zak. "I've been such a fool. And now there's only one thing to do!" Zak grabs the overdrive handle on the space shuttle and slams it up to maximum. And Gigantenstein is like "No don't!" but it's too late. In half a millisecond the space shuttle is about to crash into mount Danger and Zak is leaning out the window shooting helicopters down with his lazer and laughing, and then he dodges behind a chair as the space shuttle crashes into the mountain at 6000 mph. Zak kicks the door open and there's general Smashmouth in a cave holding huge guns and wearing clothes made out of grenades and with a remote control detonater. And hung up in the corner is Tamara, covered in remote control dynamite and looking real sexy and then also the scientist friend who texted Zak earlier. He's got bomb made of plastic explosives wrapped around his whole face.

Zak is like "Tamara!" and then "Darren--my scientist buddy!"

And General Smashmouth says "Don't you move, Flavordrome. One more step and I release this trigger, which will blow your girlfriend sky high and your scientist friend, also. And if you try and shoot me the grenades I'm wearing will go off, which will mean certain doom for all of us, and then also that will make me release this trigger, which will set off the explosives! And I'm also the only person on earth who knows the code that will disarm the bombs on them and that also will stop my missiles from launching the superbubonic flu germs that they contain into every major city in America!"

But right as he's finishing saying that Zak rips the shotgun arm off the robot that was plugging the hole in the space ship and shoots General Smashmouth in the fucking face with a shitload of shotgun bullets. Then he grabs the remote control just as Smashmouth is about to let it go and then pulls the lever that lowers Darren and Tamara to earth level. In two seconds he pulls off the bombs on them just as ten thousand infantry people burst in through the blast doors with machine guns and Zach throws the dynamite and the other one at them and releases the trigger and they blow the fuck up. BOOM.

Then Zak looks down at the general Smashmouth and is like-- If you're gonna wear grenades---you better wear them on your face. YOU FUCK.

Then he kicks the Generals body down the missile shaft just as the disease missiles are launching, and they explode and cause a cave in.

And Zak looks over at Darren and Tamara and says "Whoa dudes-- that was some adventure. Who wants to go and hunt lions?" And Darren and Tamara just laugh.

END OF MOVIE

THE GOLDEN SWORD OF GALLODRIMINIC

2007-01-14T09:38:00.000-08:00

Gorno was just your average, run of the mill half-elf, and so was his best friend, Lorno. Together they ran the best tea shop in Glamdingshire, and they looked forward to having long, boring lives fishing for frinkolip fish on the shores of the Tinklesound Stream. But then one day a bearded, angry, drunk dwarf covered in blood and vampire bats kicked in their door and cut off Lorno's head with a huge sword and pissed on his twitching body and then threw the body into the fire and ran away. Glorno watched in horror-- he was unarmed, he was weak-- a homicidal dwarf busting into the tea shop was the absolute last thing he could have expected and, truly, there was nothing he could have done.

But his friend was dead. Dead and burned, and Gorno was alive, still holding onto a bag of Kipperwhip tea (the best in four counties). He called the half-elf sheriff, Mr. Ponius Grimblegrum. The sheriff didn't have much to say, expect that he would look for the dwarf and ask around. The sheriff saw the body and vomited-- vomited on the shiny stone floor of the tea shop, and Gorno began once again to cry.

Three years passed. There was no word of the dwarf other than a few witnesses that had seen him the day of Lorno's murder. Gorno couldn't stop remembering it-- it was the worst thing that had ever happened to him. That day was the worst day of his life. Nothing meant any thing to him anymore. He couldn't make new friends or lovers, and he began to feel like he was all alone in the whole world. One morning he woke up with a bloody pillow, and he was glad.

But it turned out to be nothing. He lived to be very old and it only got a little bit better. He found, near the end of his life, that he could take some pleasure in sweetcakes. But that soon passed.

INDIE ROCK: The movie

2006-11-26T12:51:00.000-08:00

THE SHORT STOP BAR-- ext. night.

Fade up on The Short Stop in Echo Park. A line of skinny men in tight pants and faux-vintage t-shirts waiting desperately for entrance into this, the hottest hipster bar in LA's hottest neighborhood. The yellow streetlights and the neon from the Luck Joy down the street make their black hair look even more interesting.

The door to the Short Stop slams open. A man emerges. Zoom in on his face, and he's instantly recognizable as Alec Ounsworth, lead singer of Clap Your Hands Say Yeah. He looks pissed. We cut to a man in line-- in this closeup shot we realize that the man in line is none other than Sam Perry from Architecture in Helsinki, concealed beneath an elaborate black wig, giant sunglasses, and false chinstrap beard. He's in disguise to avoid being hassled by fanboys.

SAM PERRY
Oi! Alec! Why're you looking so pissed?

ALEC (lighting a rag stuffed into a bottle of Vodka)
Because I am pissed, Perry! So fuck off!

As Alec finishes his sentence he hurls the flaming bottle back through the open door of the Short Stop. Then he runs up the street.

Close up on the growing fire. People storm out of the bar, leaping over growing flames. There's general panic and confusion, until KELE OKEREKE, handsome guitar and vocals from Bloc Party, comes into frame-- he's covered in soot and he's got a fire extinguisher in one hand and the unconcious body of Kim Deal from the Pixies and later the Breeders in the other. In seconds he's got the fire out and Kim Deal flat on the sidewalk. Kim looks dead.

KELE
Kim.... Kim... wake up.

Kele grabs her head and looks into her closed eyes.

KELE
Kim-- you've got to wake up. I love you.

Nothing. Then suddenly Kim coughs and sputters. Her eyes open.

KELE
Thank god.

KIM
Kele. What happened?

KELE
Nothing, Kim... I'm glad you're alright.

Kele helps Kim up and nods at a nearby paramedic (perfect opportunity for Tom Waits cameo), who comes over and leads her into an ambulance. Kele calls out to Perry.

KELE
Perry-- did you see anything?

SAM PERRY
Yeah. I saw Ounsworth.

KELE
Bastard.

A green '76 Datsun B210 roars up the street and screeches to a halt in front of the two. From it emerges the lanky and precocious Sufjan Stevens, draped in fur and gold.

SUFJAN
I came as soon as I heard. Is there anything I can do?

KELE
Yeah—you can call everyone together. We’ve got to do something about Clap Your Hands Say Yeah.

Close on Sufjan’s serious face. He nods.

SUFJAN
I’m all over it. You want me to get Meloy involved?

KELE
Keep the Decemberists out of things for once. I’ve had enough of their meddling.

SUFJAN
Right.

KELE
I’ll take the heat if he wises up.

SUFJAN
I hoped you’d say that. Okay, peace.

SUFJAN gets back in his car and drives away.

EXT./ INT SUFJAN STEVEN’S HOUSE—night.
Sufjan walks up to his front door in the hills of Silverlake. He’s on his cell phone.

SUFJAN
Yo Coyne. You in Los Angeles? Good. Okereke wants to see you—he wants to see everybody, tomorrow.

Sufjan opens his door and walks inside. He tries to turn on the lights but they don’t work.

SUFJAN (cont.)
No. You’re the first person I called. It’s about—

A long thin knife and a long thin arm emerge from the darkness. The arm reaches arounds Sufjan’s head, the knife point digs into Sufjan’s throat. From the darkness a whisper:

VOICE
Hang up the phone, Sufjan.

SUFJAN
I’ll call you right back, Wayne.

He closes his phone.

VOICE
Good boy.

SUFJAN
Ounsworth?

VOICE
He wishes.

SUFJAN
Oberst. I’d recognize that arrogance anywhere.

Sufjan steps forward, pulling the man standing behind him into the light. Reveal it is indeed Conor Oberst, a cruel smirk twisting his mouth and with a sickening gleam in his eyes.

OBERST
Yeah? Well I’d recognize your bullshit brand of state-themed folk-pop anywhere.

SUFJAN
Big talk from the man with the knife at my throat. There a reason for that, by the way?

OBERST
I wouldn’t need a reason to slit your throat, Stevens. But right now I’m only here to deliver a message. Stay clear from Clap Your Hands Say Yeah.

SUFJAN
Says who?

OBERST
That’s for me to know and you to get killed if you ever find out. Got it?

SUFJAN
Yeah, I got it. Kele’s gonna hear about this, you realize.

OBERST
I expect him to. If he knows what’s good for him he’ll listen good and let the cops handle Ounsworth.

SUFJAN (derisively)
The cops!

OBERST
That’s right, the cops. You know, that’s how the law's supposed to work.

SUFJAN
Is it? I must a missed that day in growing up class.

OBERST
Har Har, Stevens.

SUFJAN
Har yourself, Bright Eyes!

Sufjan suddenly drops to his knees, leaving Oberst empty handed. Sufjan stands up, blocks Oberst’s knife thrust with one arm and punches Oberst across the face with the other. Oberst drops like a rock.

SUFJAN
A three star pussy-- I can't say I'm surprised. Now let’s see what’s in your wallet, farm boy.

[That's it so far, except in act three Jeff Magnum from NMH shoots both Belle and Sebastian in the knees to get them to talk. intrigued or turned off? What do you think?]

NOT 2 SCALE

2006-11-24T16:16:00.000-08:00

Jason Mizell was the only man ever to scale McDaniels Tower, the tallest building in North America and the one most guarded by robotic serial killers controlled by the Simmons Corporation. Some say Mizell was the best building scaler of the 23rd century. Others say he was the best building scaler in all of human history. Two days after his record scaling feat, though, a judge said he was a felon. And for Mizell, that was the only opinion that mattered.

14 years later.

Joseph Simmons, president of the Simmons corporation, has gone completely mad. And guess where he's got the President of the United States trapped at light-saber knife point? The top penthouse of his famous building. And now you're thinking exactly what the audience would be thinking: they're going to get Jason Mizell to scale the tower and save the president by offering him his freedom. And you know what? You're right. But what you don't realize is that everything I've written so far will take place within the first twenty seconds of the movie, and that the president will be safe on the ground before the opening credits are finished rolling. Oh, and guess what else? Mizell dies of old age less than a minute after he saves the president, and ten seconds after that the audience watches the earth as it is devoured by the sun more than a billion years from now. One by one the stars wink out, faster and faster as the universe speeds ever quicker to it's slow, cold, end. Finally, 6 minutes and 12 seconds into the movie, every star is dead and there is no hope that any are yet be born. Two minutes pass in complete silence and darkness. And then to everyone's total surprise a cartoon giraffe head and neck poke up from the bottom of the screen. The giraffe blinks coquetteshly at the audience for a good second or two, then screams in utter horror as a cartoon version of our hero Jason Mizell climbs up its body by stabbing it again and again with cartoon butterfly knives. The final strike, which allows Jason to pull himself up as high as he possibly could on the poor animal, enters through the top of the skull and is clearly fatal.

The giraffe falls. Cartoon Jason Mizell stands huffing and puffing. He is exhausted from his climb.

JASON (to the audience): Welcome to hell, fuckbaskets.

Jason ties his long brown hair behind his head and pulls out a shotgun. With out even saying anything he presses it up against the dead giraffe and pulls the trigger. Cartoon guts spray everywhere as Jason sinks to his knees and begins to cry. For he has realized that even as he was killing his greatest enemy, he was also killing his only chance for a friend.

An eerie wind whistles through the nothing...

DRAIN BRAIN!

2006-11-22T18:51:00.000-08:00

Imagine the hilarity when four virgin friends from Glendale find a talking human head under a tree that has been animated by a cursed jewel! But what the four surfing friends don't realize is that their new 18th century curse-wording bebearded head is a wizard, and it needs their virgin, zep-loving souls to power the magic robot body it built out of train parts in a graveyard!!! Even worse, one of the ruggedly blonde friends winds up dating a prom princess when he shows up jock jerk Joe McKopf in a snowsailing contest on Shock Mountain. And if the rumours about the cheerleeding prom princess are true, he's not going to be a virgin much longer!

When the ever-bleeding never-dying horror head starts helping the four nature-loving buddies with their calculus homework, it's time for a showdown with razor wielding maniac math teacher Mike Ducranz, a sassy fellow with a little bit of wizardly tendencies in his own back pocket! Will Ajax the decorpitated survive the battle, capture the immaculate souls of the outgoing and good-looking teens in time, and build a robot body with a flamethrower in the arm with the help of Shawna the beautiful shop teacher? I guess you'll have to watch the new movie from Screamingly Good Pictures, DRAIN BRAIN, to find out.

MISSING

2006-11-12T16:13:00.000-08:00

We all know about the show Lost, in which hundreds of castaways from the sky try and figure out their psychological problems by being trapped on a haunted island. But can you imagine a similiar show where the same thing happens in space?

Yeah, that would be amazing, or even supreme. Everyone would be astronauts travelling to different planets-- but KABOOM the spaceship crashes, and then it's stuck in space. But then wierd stuff starts happening-- for example like the martian and his wife get mad at the family of professors that own the spaceship, and the fat robot falls in love.

Obviously this story needs to be developed.

[Props to Dustin, Dat, and Cliff for their contributions to the last post VIA the comments. Sadly, all the movies they suggested have either been made or are in development by various Studios-- I think SEXY SPY LEAF-- THE SUPERMODEL FUCKING SPY LEAF PART 1 is coming out mid-december from dreamworks. Thanks anyway, guys! And keep up the creativity.]

PORKINS! The movie

2006-10-08T11:32:00.000-07:00

All of my readers surely remember Porkins as the fat starfighter who gets the shit blown up out of him at the battle of Yavin, AKA the time when Luke Skywalker blew up The Death Star.

It was sad that he died, but isn't it even sadder that he was fat and named Porkins? And shouldn't we already be sad that he was fat and had a goatee?

The answer is yes, we should. And even more the answer is that we should make a whole star wars movie about the life of Porkins, the triumph and the tragedy of this character who's presense on the screen was all too brief. I mean, George Lucas has given up, right? Is he really going to go to the effort of suing us? No.

That poor fat bastard-- how frequently did the fat laced products he so often ate become lodged in between the hairs of his fat goatee? So frequently, I bet.

So the movie starts out with a young Porkins growing up fat and heavy on Mearth, an earth-like planet just like earth. In middle school he gets teased both for how fat he is and how ironic it is that he is fat and that his last name is Porkins. Also a few jokes are made about his teenage-goatee, which even then looked the opposite of futuristic and did nothing to conceal his fatness. And, of course, all those people teasing him are all like " I can't wait to join the empire and be best friends with the emporer at his birthday party."

But then guess what? Fat Porkins wins a a free 3-D radio trip to a fun flight simulator at the galactic mall. Can you imagine how much people will love this? And, it turns out, Porkins is REALLY GOOD at flying space fighters. But then he gets the bad news: he is way too fat for getting into a TIE fighter. CUE hilarious weight loss montage: Porkins running around, Porkins sweating in a steam room, Porkins crying in front of a mirror with a lightsaber knife about to cut off a fat roll, Porkins getting TCBY at a the Cantina, Porkins being hynotised by a Jar Jar-race weight loss hypnotist. Then all of a sudden we're back the TIE fighter sign up booth. A red-headed Geepazorpotron Alien is holding a tape measure and is like-- What are you doing here, Porkins? According to my measurements you GAINED thirty pounds since the last time I saw you.

Of course Porkins fucking cries. He's like-- "I'll never get off this stupid planet. I'll never fly space fighters. FUCK!! Why did I have to be so FUCKIN' fat!!!"

So Porkins, who is of course diabetic (linked to fatness) is just like, "fuck it, man: I'm not taking my space insulin no more. Fuckeryduck it." (trademark phrase) Porkins is at the end of his rope, and it is hard to hang on to a rope when you are fat. (phrase on box of DVD)

So Porkins get s weaker and weaker and finally collapses at Burger Emperor, which is the same as Burger King. When he wakes up, he's in a space ambulance. But then a nurse is like "we need your piloting skills for the rebellion. Will you help us?"

And Porkins says "Gladly. Sadly, I am too fat to fit into a TIE fighter." Cue the perfect moment of the movie where the nurse is like "We're using X-Wings now-- you will fit in them."

Porkins smiles.

Roll Credits.

SHITBALLS!!

2006-10-02T16:47:00.000-07:00

In this astonishingly powerful abstract film, composed entirely of seemingly random cinematic images set next to one another in way that is both profoundly moving and intensely thought-provoking, Steve Unckles has created what can only be deemed a SUPER-MASTERPIECE, a masterpiece as superior to a regular masterpiece as superman is superior to a regular human. My most singular experience as a lifetime lover and critic of film occurred halfway through last nights screening of SHITBALLS!!, when I watched a young and nameless boy carrying a garbage bag full of eels trip and fall over a steep hill. He tumbled down, down, down the grassy hill, and just as he slammed nuts-first into a lamp pole the camera angle flew to the sky, and when it came back down a karate master with a magic uzi fought off a dozen robot insect attackers in a mud pit in the slums of what looked like Oslo. Mud splashes the camera, only to be wiped off a second later by everyone's favorite Transylvannian slut Elvira (Cassandra Peterson), hosting a ghoulish cooking show with a helpful infant orphan ghost sidekick and drinking heavily from a bottle of cooking oil. Her character's utterly believable exclamations of misery and her apparently unscripted descent into a seven minute crying/whining session in which she speaks candidly about the loss of her virginity (to Tom Jones, no less) lends credence to her recent legal claim against Mr. Unckles, in which she states she was unaware she was being filmed at the time.

Reporters often get passes to free screening of new movies, and Unckles' "SHITBALLS!!" was no exception. This makes economic sense, as the publicity generated for a film by a review far outweighs the meagre cost a of movie ticket. However, in this case I am mailing a check for full ticket price to Steve Unckles. For a film of this magnitude, of this enduring strength, the handsome writer/director must be compensated. Both with our money, and with our thanks.

See Shitballs today.

I AM SAD

2006-08-09T20:38:00.000-07:00

Sam Peters was a great father with only one flaw-- he was crippled by terrible depression. But when the government takes his daughter away after his fifth suicide attempt, Sam loses his only reason for living: the love of his little Lucy.

A heartwarming tale based on events.

UNDERWATER GOLDCASTLE ADVENTURE

2006-07-30T10:13:00.000-07:00

FADE UP. MUSIC: Machinehead by Bush.

Graham sits on his couch, looking at the phone on his coffee table. He's got a black-eye and Desert Eagle .45. After a decent interval, the phone rings.

BLAM! Graham shoots the phone at point blank range, which explodes the fuck up. Graham stands up.

GRAHAM: It's time to get down to business!!!!!

CUT TO GRAHAM IN THE SHOWER. We see that Graham is COVERED in MANY SCARS. Also, reveal the GRAHAM was WEARING A WIG in the previous scene. REVEAL that the Graham's head is COVERED WITH TATTOOS OF A WHAT LOOK LIKE PLANS FOR A SUPER SPACE ENGINE.

ALSO, Reveal that GRAHAM has an AVERAGE-SIZED PENIS. It is NOTHING SPECIAL.

CUT TO GRAHAM riding the city bus. MUSIC: literally anything by the Stone Temple Pilots.

REVEAL that GRAHAM is cleaning his gun secretly at his seat. He does it with BLINDING SPEED.

GRAHAM: It's time you paid the PRICE, Glamorkeo.

CUT to GLAMORKEO'S MANSION. VINCENTE GLAMORKEO is watching a giant plasma screen TV in his boxer shorts. Pan down to reveal angle up GLAMORKEO's boxer shots, REVEAL that GLAMORKEO also has an AVERAGE SIZED PENIS. Again, this penis is NO BIG DEAL.

GLAMORKEO: (Yelling to someone off screen) Hey! Are the drugs ready for delivery????!!

PAULO: Yeah they are boss!

CUT TO PAULO. Paulo is a big thug in a nice suit. He has a nose ring.

PAULO: I'm going to go deliver them right after I take a leak.

CAMERA FOLLOWS Paulo into a marble-tile, classy bathroom. PAN down from PAULO's cruel sneer to Paulo's PERFECTLY AVERAGE PENIS. It is just a REGULAR OLD PENIS.

CUT TO GRAHAM AS HE HIDES IN THE BUSHES OUTSIDE THE HOUSE. His gun is ready.

GRAHAM: Oh Boy am I coming for you, GLAMORKEO. Your DEBTS MUST BE PAID!

Graham pushes his way through the bushes.

CUT TO PAULO. He is washing his hands.

PAULO: Sammy! Gregor! Get in here and help me carry all these drugs out to my car!

CUT TO SAMMY.

SAMMY: Hold on one second! I'm changing!

Reveal that Sammy is changing his pants, and that he APPARENTLY GOES COMMANDO. This means that he does not wear underwear, and as a consequence we can easily see that he has A STANDARD ISSUE REGULARLY SIZED PENIS. His PENIS IS NORMAL.

GREGOR: (O.S) Wait a second for me too, boss!

CUT TO GREGOR

GREGOR: I'm shaving my balls!!

PAULO (O.S) Hurry it up, will ya?

We see that GREGOR is ALMOST DONE SHAVING HIS BALLS. REVEAL that GREGOR, Like EVERYONE ELSE IN THE MOVIE, has an AVERAGE, REGULAR PENIS that is NOTHING TO WRITE HOME ABOUT. It is NOT a "SPECIAL" PENIS.

GREGOR: Okay, let's go!

CUT TO GRAHAM waiting next to a fancy JAGUAR car. Nearby, A door opens. Graham ducks behind a garbage can.

PAULO: Alright--Let's get these drugs down to the border. It's about time those immigrants started getting high.

GRAHAM stands upright.

GRAHAM: I thought so, you dirty poopers!!

GRAHAM fires all the bullets from his gun at the three guys. He does not hit them, but he does hit the box of drugs SAMMY and GREGOR were carrying. It explodes in drugs.

GRAHAM: Shit.

CUT TO SAMMY, GREGOR, AND PAULO, hiding behind the Jaguar.

PAULO: Alright everybody-- check your penises for bullet holes.

SAMMY: Good idea, boss.

SAMMY, PAULO, and GREGOR all quickly take out their penises and check them over. As before, the penises are revealed to be JUST LIKE ANY OTHER AVERAGE PENIS. There is really no reason to comment on them.

GREGOR: I'm good.

SAMMY: Me too.

PAULO: Alright then. Let's TAKE THIS GUY OUT!!!

The three gunmen take out their guns and jump up, firing blindly into the night.

{I love the movie so far--I think it's one of the most cinematic things I've ever written-- but where do I go from here??? Help me, team!!}

AFRICA: The Movie

2006-06-17T20:39:00.000-07:00

JASON
It's so hot. And I have AIDS.

IAN
Listen to this interesting music!

JESSICA
I'm surprised at the cultural diversity.

JASON
I bought this AKA-47 for one nickel.

IAN
I am giving someone a bribe right now.

JESSICA
And the countryside is so beautiful.

JASON
Jessica, I am in love you.

IAN
I, too, am in love with you Jessica.

JESSICA
That is very sweet of you guys.

JASON
I am filled with dread that you will catch AIDs.

IAN
I want to go on safari with you, Jessica.

JASON
If anyone shows up with AIDS I will riddle them with bullets.

IAN
Earlier I bribed someone not to give you AIDS Jessica.

JESSICA
Do I really like this music? Or is it only because it is exotically different?

JASON
I taste a blood taste.

IAN
Everyone onto this packed bus.

JESSICA
Look, a chicken just wandering around.

(LATER)

JESSICA
I blame the corrupting influence of colonialism for much of the despair.

JASON
I fold into a tiny distant star.

IAN
Jessica, may I kiss you?

JESSICA
I see several hyenas near a thorny bush.

IAN
I am riding on a bus.

JASON
My hands are fists.

JESSICA
Is that a correct possibility?

IAN
Are you talking to me?

JASON
Ian, take a picture of Jessica and me now.

IAN
It is a memory you will treasure forever.

FLASH!

JESSICA
My backpack had been stolen.

IAN
If we develop the camera film the thief will be revealed.

JESSICA
A fitting punishment.

JASON
This road is in a state of disrepair. It indicates poor infrastucture. I pulled my fingernail all the way off to feel it.

IAN
Cattle: they are very valuable here.

JESSICA
I am certain whoever took my backpack needs its contents.

IAN
I agree with you. People are unfortunate.

JASON
Is this Kenya?

IAN
No.

JASON
Kenya help me out? By listening to this fact: Mt. Kilimanjaro is in Kenya.

JESSICA
I am homesick now.

IAN
Looking outside I think I will see a body.

LATER

JESSICA
I am glad to be back home.

JASON
I will never be the same.

IAN
My legs are cramped from the long flight home. The layover in Paris was not very long.

JESSICA
Africa was very great. I am glad that I was there. And

JASON
You cannot imagine two other friends you would rather have gone with?

JESSICA
Yes.

BLACK RHINO OPS

2006-06-16T17:58:00.000-07:00

In 1980, the same U.S. scientists that invented crack and aids were assigned to a secret military base seven miles beneath the surface of the Serengeti Plain. Their mission? Breed rare "Black Rhinoceroses" according to their intelligence, ferocity, and-- most importantly-- killing ability.

In 2001 the first killer rhino emerged from the secret base and was released into a designated test savanah. In the 38 hours it took to get him back in his cage, he killed 18 giraffes, 25 lions, 4 elephants, and 890 baboons. He also totalled 6 military helicopters and flipped over a baker's dozen of expensive military jeeps.

The word went up to the generals at the pentagon. Was this rhino tough enough? No, came the terse reply. Make it even tougher.

The next test was in 2004. This time 36 giraffes, 50 lions, 8 elephants, and 1780 baboons died, and it took more that three days to get the new rhino back under government control. Along the way, 12 military helicopters were destroyed by the rampaging rhino, and 26 miltary jeeps were up-ended.

But the pentagon wanted more for its money. And in late 2005, the scientists gave them exactly what they wanted:

72 dead giraffes. 100 dead lions. 16 dead elephants. 2560 dead babboons. Six days and eight hours later the rhino was back in captivity, but it cost 24 military helicopters destroyed and 52 jeeps flipped over to get him there.

In a darkened conference in Washington D.C., a graying general nods, and mission: Black Rhino Ops begins.

Baghdad: Within 18 and a half hours of "rhino release" just outside the "green zone" of central baghdad, all 9 giraffes in the arab city are dead. 12 lions are dead and another is severely wounded. 2 elephants lay still in giant pools of their own blood, and 445 pet baboons, many belonging to terrorists, have been trampled or gored to the hell they had coming to them. 3 terrorist helicopters are destroyed and 6 al-queda jeeps are flipped over. Another jeep, loaded with explosives, rests on its side in a crowded city market.

MORE TO COME.

THE GHOST THAT HAUNTS

2006-06-08T00:47:00.000-07:00

In 1975, the two giraffes moving into the house at 66666666666 Vilatanse St., Africa, had no idea that their new home had been built on the site of a horrible ancient massacre. 25 years later...

they
found
out.

HIPPO SURPRISE

2006-05-31T16:24:00.000-07:00

So it's 2225, and the last two remaining hippopotomuses on earth are attending a dance contest in New York's trendy lower east side. They're not dancing but are just there to "check out the scene." Of course it's a huge event cause everyone there is there to watch the hippopotomuses just in case they fuck. And that's for two reasons: one, they might produce more hippopotomusses if they do it, and two, hippo-fucking is crazy hot in the future. It's not explained why in the context of the movie, but it is really, really true. Almost all pornography after 2100 is CGI with hippos fucking.

So the two hippos, who are named Diane and Hippotron, are at this dance contest, and it becomes really obvious that these two South African dancers are going to win cause of their amazing moves-- for example a double-up slam twist-- and the hippos look at each other and are like-- this thing's over-- let's get out of here. So everyone sees them leave and knows they are going to do it, which might be both really hot and save the race of hippo, which makes them want to go watch. The hippos are necking in a taxi and suddenly the taxi is surrounded by voyeurs, and so both the hippos, who by now realize that they're falling in love, say "We can't do this now" at the same time. They laugh, and then they're like -- where can we go? And they realize at the same time that the only place they can go to have "them-time" is Africa. So they go there.

The rest of the movie is first them doing it and thinking they can never succeed as a couple. Then Diane gets pregnant and Hippotron is like-- okay-- I can make this work. He gets a job at a swamp and the two hippos live together and find a way to love, even though they both miss the bustle of big city life and have MAJOR African parasites. Just as Hippotron Junior is about to be born, Hippotron gets in a major swamp accident and almost dies. But he survives, although paralyzed, and Diane and Hippotron are able to have more children thanks to virtual reality sex (broadcast on all the major porno channels) and the help of a scientist who figures out how to jerk-off paralyzed Hippos. It's really, really, really graphic, but it makes sense artistically and smarter audiences will be like Wow-- that was beautiful. At the end, as the human race succumbs to its inherently selfish nature and destroys itself in a rain of radioactive death, we realize that these hippos are the future of intelligent life on earth. And the audience claps all the way through the credits.

24 Hour Party Zebras

2006-05-28T14:37:00.000-07:00

Bill and Suzzette Zebra are two zebras in Africa who LOVE to party. But the other Zebras, led by Tony the Biggest Zebra of Them All, think that partying is bad and will destory the moral and ethical foundations of Zebra society, foundations that are the only thing keeping the lions at bay.

When the mutilated corpses of 40 zebras are found near a watering hole, each one with dyed stripes and glow sticks, it starts to look like he might be right. Maybe all-night Zebra raving IS bad.

But wait--Bill realizes that there aren't any lion prints near the muddy watering hole! Could it be that Tony, The Biggest Zebra of Them All, had all the Zebras killed and then dressed up like ravers so that Bill and Suzzette would have to stop partying? When Suzzette uncovers a crying, wounded, and pitiful zebra DJ near some grass, she learns the answer is yes, right before that zebra is shot in the fucking face by a sniper.

Bill and Suzzette have got to stop Tony The Biggest Zebra of Them All before he can be elected Zebra President. How can they do it? Bill and Suzzette aren't fooling themselves: they can't do it alone. They need help-- and that help might have to come from an unorthodox source. When Bill accidently teaches some lions about house music, he also finds his solution.

24 Hour Party Zebras: The Safari Ride of Your Life.

In the sequel they have a sister that gets lost.

2006-05-28T01:19:00.000-07:00

The hyena brothers are a group of ten hyena brothers that get into a lot of adventures in Africa. The brothers are all different, from the sad one to the stupid one. But they all have one thing in common-- they love to laugh.

IDEA 4,102

2006-05-24T16:41:00.000-07:00

Okay-- I have this great idea for a movie where these two drunk vampires from australia get shotguns and go to the dump to shoot and then eat rats-- they're the good kind of vampires that don't want to eat people-- and while they're there they discover this crazy thing the government actually threw away by accident-- it's an invsibilty machine that works on things as large as a van. And the vampires are in a band, and they have a van that they use for touring. But they can never make enough money cause it takes to long in australia to drive between gigs because everythings so fucking far apart, esspecially cause the two vampires, obviously, can only drive at night. Long story short, using the invisibilty device the two vampire guitarists are able to speed everywhere they go in their van. Picture a cop looking at his radar gun that just went up to 180 kilometers and he's like "What? I didn't even see a car!!!" I don't know what to call it-- Musical Band Vampires? The Band Van? Invisible Music Van? Anyway, the group, which also has a retarded kid in it named Booboo, who's a bass savant, plays so much that they get really really good and start to get famous, and finally this cute girl reporter is like "you guys are super good-- how do you get from concert to concert?" And they make up this ridiculous story about a private helicopter or something, at which point the government, which has been looking all over for the invisibilty generator AND this grizzled police detective who's been trying to explain the disappearance of rats and the occasional vagrant all over australia team up and realize: The Band-- it's gotta be them. And then it's all about escape, esspecially when the scientist who originally invented the invisibilty starts selling these special glasses that let you see invisibilty stuff, so they're in real trouble. Final Climactic scene-- A house of mirrors. And what they police and the Government don't realize is that they're vampires, and so CAN'T even be seen in a house of mirrors. Like they were invisible like the van! And get this: the band's name is house of mirrors from the very beginning. So it's linked, get it?

Of course I don't need to remind you that ALL ideas on this site are copyright me.

ANOTHER NOTE

2006-04-10T21:37:00.000-07:00

{Guys--

I don't understand why you guys haven't been posting more after my last note. What, are you waiting for me to post a new idea so that you can comment on that? Well, don't wait for that! Who knows how long that could take!? Just read some of the ones I already wrote and comment on those!

And if you do, you're in for a treat-- I've been working on a Robocop/Supermario brothers combination that pits former the mechanized officer and Luigi against a Mario gone mad! Give me enough comments, and I'll tell you about a scene I wrote where Robocop gets raped by Mario, but then Robocop gets free and immediately revenge-rapes the fuck out of Mario! And if people give me some constructive criticism on that, I'll post the (already written) scene in which Luigi wanders into an adult bookstore and gets confused when he spots a fake vagina. And FYI: I've added a talking car called Robocar to kick the whole thing up a couple notches.

Thanks!
Steve}

A LITTLE NOTE

2006-03-31T17:32:00.000-08:00

{Hey guys-- It's me Steve, the author of Screaminglygoodscreenplays.blogspot.com. I know in this crazy world people are really busy, and sometimes that means people are too busy to comment on my screenplays. But I keep thinking back to the way things used to be at the old website, with constant discussion of structure and content and what actors would be good for different roles, and I can't help but miss the way things used to be. Please, make some time to contribute. And if you have any friends be sure to tell them about the site. I have always said that all the money I eventually make from selling my screenplays will be divided between me and the people who help on this sight getting t-shirts, and that's still true. I'm even pretty sure what the t-shirts will eventually look like.

Although of course if anyone wants to discuss how the t-shirts should look I'd be up for that too.

So, anyway, thanks.}

Satan's Minions

2006-03-07T07:04:00.000-08:00

I want to write a movie where a bunch of Demons escape from hell because they want to go to Vegas and gamble and drink. But then the Devil finds out! and goes to Vegas and goes on a murderous rampage trying to find the escaped Demons. He kills basically everyone in the whole town one by one, except some of them he turns into like slaves who worship him and help him try to find the demons. And the demons are all like "oh shit-- here come the judge!"

So they hide underground in a cave filled with videogames, which is really their style.

But then Faceshitter, the head demon, is like: "Wait-- you guys know Satan! He's never gonna give up on finding us! We have to find some way to make amends!" Naturally all the other demons agree.

Here's the thing that's gonna blow everyone's mind, though: while Satan is out of hell, the world is a great place and everyone is magnanimous and kind. Nobody gets divorced, no one lies, no one feels depressed over petty bullshit, and everyone basically is capable of a level of joy not possible for centuries. When people die it's because it's their time and not because of serial killers or drunk drivers or suicide. (outside of Vegas, of course, which is drenched in the blood of the innocents.)

The world is just starting to notice how wonderful everything is and a new era of peace is dawning when the demons emerge from their cave and perform a pageant about the history of Satan and his role in harming people over the centuries. Satan is so pleased that he forgives everyone and they all go back to hell. Then everything on earth goes back to being shitty again and the movie ends with a 14 year old crack-addict huddled in a corner of an abandoned building praying to God for her own death.

SCENE FROM THE MOVIE DEATH HAT

2006-03-04T10:00:00.000-08:00

INT. ABANDONED HAT FACTORY, NIGHT--- EERIE MUSIC indicates that this is a dangerous place, as does the HUMAN CORPSE dangling from the old neon sign on the top of the building. We can just make out the words "ACME HAT FACTORY" before we pan down to a the main entrance. Next to the door is another smaller sign: "Mercury Deliveries Should Go Around" with an arrow pointing around the back. Another smaller human corpse hangs from this sign.

DENSMORE CAVENDISH squeels up on his expensive motorcycle-- he pulls the helmet off and his LONG FEMININE HAIR falls to his shoulders. He shakes it as he gazes up at the Acme Hat Factory sign.

DENSMORE: "The old abandoned Acme Hat Factory-- I should have known."

DENSMORE pulls an M-16 assualt rifle from the side of the motorcycle, then puts a belt of grenades over his head. Then he pulls ANOTHER M-16 assualt rifle from the motorcycle, then he pulls out ANOTHER BELT OF GRENADES. He sticks TWO KNIVES into sheaths on his thighs, then sticks ANOTHER FOUR KNIVES into other sheaths on his thighs. He slides BRASS KNUCKLES onto the fingers of BOTH his hands, then pulls out a BAT WITH A BIG NAIL IN IT.

AT THIS POINT THE AUDIENCE IS THINKING: THAT IS AN EXCESSIVE AMOUNT OF WEAPONS. But what they don't know is that even that many WILL NOT BE ENOUGH WEAPONRY TO DEFEAT THE DEATH HAT. (Later there will be a flamethrower.)

DENSMORE goes up to the front door.

DENSMORE: Death Hat! I know you're in there! And you're about to get yours! You fuckin' bitch!

CUT TO:

From behind a pile of decrepit fedoras, the LUNATIC EYES of Death Hat emerge from darkness. We see his face-- little is left of the beloved Dean we met in scene 126. His face is guant and pale, and liquid mercury drips endlessly from his grayish, lumpy mouth. The hat is in control now. The hat.

DEATH HAT: Come and get it, Cavendish! I'll drink your blood from your own skull after I mix it with mercury!

He laughs insanely.

CUT TO

DENSMORE: Come and get it!

DENSMORE kicks in the door and fires his guns into the crushing darkness and throws a grenade.

KABOOM!!

We see Death Hat watching from a safe distance. He mutters to himself like the madman that he is, the evil hat itself now perched ominously low on his head. It glows red.

DEATH HAT: HAAHHAAHAHA! He has no idea where I am. I am crazy! I can't wait to MURDER him!!!

SUDDENLY A BAT WITH A NAIL IN IT SMASHES INTO THE SIDE OF HIS HEAD!!!!!!!

DENSMORE: I was only distracting you!

DEATH HAT: Ugh!

DEATH HAT falls to the ground in a heap, Mercury spraying out of the side of his head like water spraying out of a punctured one of those water weenies. Or, pee from a dick. The mercury first has high pressure, but then it slowly dribbles to a stop and then it just wells out.

DENSMORE: Well, that was easy!!!!!!

Close up on the eyes of Death Hat. It looks like he's dead, but the audience know that can't be true-- the final battle was over too quickly. Just when the audience thinks the Dean's eyes are going to pop back open, they don't. Instead, a creepy pair of red eyes open on the hat itself!!! As in the background Densmore calls the police and tells them to cancel the back up he requested, we see evil ROOT-LIKE structures burrow their way from the hat into the head of the Dean. There can only be one explanation: the Death Hat is about to take over the body of the dean and not just the mind!

The eyes on the hat shine with laughter as we see the hand of the zombie dean twitch.... pan over to a canteen on the Dean's belt that says "Fresh Mercury".... FADE TO BLACK...

AMERICAN SK8TER

2006-02-04T20:51:00.000-08:00

{My worry is that this is too many ideas crammed into one movie. But I know I would pay to see it! Comments as always are welcomed and appreciated}

VOICE-OVER: BUCK J. WILDMAN, teenage-american, just wanted to have a good time.

We see a crazy-haired young man on a pogo-ball reading.

VO: But with strict catholic parents, he didn't have much of a chance.

CUT TO threatening shot of BUCK'S DAD loosening his belt.

DAD: I'll give you something to pray about!

CUT TO: Threatening shot of BUCK'S MOM, who's reading a bible, wearing a bible sweater, and drinking sacremental wine out of a bible cup.

MOM: Beat his lazy ass! Like Jesus!
BUCK: No!!!! I didn't do anything!
DAD: Tell it to GOD, you shit!
WHAP!

VO: Now, Buck's about to make the discovery of a lifetime...

We see a shot of BUCK opening a dusty old chest.

BUCK: Wow! A skateboard!

VO: And find something within he never dreamed was there.

We see Buck do a qaudruple kickflip.

BUCK: Yes!
NEARBY JOCK: Hey man-- nice kickflip.

VO: But his parents don't like it.

DAD: If I ever catch you skating again, you are OUT OF THIS FAMILY FOREVER!
BUCK: I was born to skate!
MOM: Jesus never skated a day in his life! Skateboarding's the devil's sport!

VO: But he's found a love he can never let go of.

We see BUCK sneaking out of his window late at night, carrying his skateboad.

VO: And now, he's about to make the discovery of a lifetime.

We see Buck examining the tail end of his skateboard

BUCK amazed: A Jesus fish!

Cut to an old man in a hospital bed. Buck sits next to him, holding his hand.

OLD MAN: It was his! It was really his!

We see Buck standing on his skateboard-- suddenly it begins to shake a little.

BUCK: AWESOME!

We see Buck thrashing his board-- but he's on top of a lake!

BUCK: RADICAL!

VO: He's the greatest skater of all time-- and he's riding the board of the greatest man of all time.

We see Buck to a 1820 super-backside Smith McTwist with a nollie landing on the side of the Space Shuttle.

VO: But all he wants is love.

DAD: I HATE YOU.
MOM: I HATE YOU.

VO: A love that seems impossible.

MOM and DAD together: WE HATE YOU.

We see Buck skating and crying.

VO: American SK8TER. The magic is a miracle.

Credit page, then suddenly:

BUCK: I think I discovered Atlantis!

OLDERTRON

2006-01-22T11:21:00.000-08:00

Scientist Elmore Hoskins was the smartest man ever to graduate from Harvard. He was the smartest man ever to work for Dupont and the smartest man ever to work for Dow Chemical. He recieved over a thousand patents before he turned 60, all relating to inventions he created during his spare time. He was widely regarded as the foremost genius of the 20th century.

But now it's the 21st century, and Elmore Hoskins is nothing but an old, old man. As his brain succumbs to old age and his body deteriorates, he makes one last desperate rage against the dying of the light. Using the last of his financial and mental resources, he creates the ELDERBOT-- a mechanical body in which to store his failing mind.

And then he starts a punk band.

The street kids of New York catch on quick, and pretty soon "OLDERTRON" is the most popular underground music act in the city. But it's gonna take a lot more than a huge underground following to get the agents and major labels to take a chance on a robotic rocker with an electric mohawk and video cameras for eyes. It's gonna take all the heart Elmore's got, and then some. It's gonna take the biggest unauthorized street concert in New York City's history, and a contest between the most profitable punk band in the world (The Buttfuck Nuns) and a little old man in a little robot body.

OLDERTRON. Get ready to Robot-Rock.