THE SNEAKY HEISTERS

A manhattan bar. Three cabbies sit next to each other, talking about their nights. All of them are handsome young men.
Suddenly one of them stops the conversation. He is STORM, a male-model type with a fun beard.

STORM: Guys-- I'm through talking about being a cabbie. I've got another idea.

Another cabbie finishes his beer. He is NINO, a 25ish, thin hipster who was in the circus. He has a bandana.

NINO: What? We don't know anything besides being cab drivers.

The final cab driver nods his head in agreement. He is JAKE GYLENHAAL, and he's wearing dolche.

JAKE GYLENHAAL: I know what you mean though. All we ever do is sit in this bar and talk about our "fares."

STORM: You said it. So yesterday when I was driving people to places they wanted to go and taking money for it I got to thinking-- If I drive a cab forever I'll never be rich enough to do whatever I want. You just don't make enough cash..

NINO: I guess you're right. But what can we do about it? I was in the circus when I was younger, but that can't make me any money now that I'm 25, can it?

STORM: No, it can't. Here's my plan-- we rob a bank.

NINO: I'm listening.

JAKE GYLENHAAL: I'm not listening. I already have several criminal convictions for manslaughter. If my P.O., or parole officer, finds out I'm planning on robbing a bank he'll toss my ass back in the clink!

STORM: Well I guess we just won't tell him then.

NINO: My lips are sealed, Jakey.

JAKE GYLENHAAL: Okay I'm in. But no guns.

(angry silence)

STORM: Fine.

NINO: What bank should we rob?

STORM: I have it all figured out. We'll rob the....

The scene fades out as Storm spreads blueprints across the table.

CUT TO: A bank.

An old man in a yellow trenchcoat enters the bank. Music: Rape Me by Nirvana. The man is actually STORM. STORM goes up to a BANK TELLER.

OLD MAN/STORM: I'd like some money please.

The bank teller nods slowly. We realize the bank teller is actually NINO. NINO takes all the money in the bank and puts it into a bag.

BANK TELLER/NINO: Here you are sir. Thank you.

OLD MAN/STORM: No, thank you!

Mutual winks. Then OLD MAN/STORM turns to leave the bank. Just as he is about to leave a SECURITY GUARD stops him.

SECURITY GUARD: Excuse me a minute, sir.

OLD MAN/STORM stops, a scared look in his eyes.

SECURITY GUARD: I just wanted to make sure you got one of our free calendars.

OLD MAN/STORM: No, I didn't.

SECURITY GUARD: We'll why don't you take this one then.

OLD MAN/STORM: Thank you.

As the security guard hands OLD MAN/STORM not one but TWO bank calendars, we realize the security guard is actually JAKE GYLENHAAL.

SECURITY GUARD/ JAKE GYLENHAAL: No, thank YOU.

Mutual winks. Then OLD MAN/ STORM leaves the bank with the money bag. Behind him comes JAKE GYLENHALL and NINO, both pulling off their fake mustaches.

STORM: We made it. Nice work, you two.

NINO: Thanks. Let's get back to the bar and split this money up.

JAKE GYLENHAAL: I'm sorry. I can't let you do that.

STORM: What?!

JAKE GYLENHAAL pulls a gun.

JAKE GYLENHAAL: I'm a cop. You're both under arrest by the power vested in me by the state of New York.

NINO: The hell!

NINO reaches for his gun, only to realize that he didn't bring it.

NINO: That's why he said no guns!

STORM: Bastard. I should have known!

JAKE GYLENHAAL: Sorry. Now you guys are going downtown with me.

STORM: Run!

He throws the bag of money at JAKE GYLENHAAL'S gun. Then both STORM and NINO run for it. JAKE shoots at them but misses.

CUT TO: the bar from before. JAKE GYLENHAAL is there by himself. Suddenly a priest comes up to him.

PRIEST: Have you any sins to confess, my son?

JAKE GYLENHAAL: Yes. I'm a criminal thief.

PRIEST: Who cares?!

We realize that the priest is actually STORM.

PRIEST/STORM: You got my half of the money?

JAKE GYLENHAAL: Right here in this briefcase. Too bad about Nino.

PRIEST/STORM: I sort of feel guilty about my plan to double cross him.

JAKE GYLENHAAL: Don't. He got what he deserved. He was a rapist.

PRIEST/STORM: Really?

JAKE GYLENHAAL: I guess we'll never know. Here, take your briefcase.

PRIEST/ STORM: Thanks. I guess I'll be off. Although this whiskey I'm drinking is making me have to go to the bathroom. I'll go there first.

JAKE GYLENHAAL: Do what you want. After tonight, this is all over.

PRIEST/ STORM: Yeah.

PRIEST/STORM goes into the bathroom. Jake pulls out a remote control and presses a button and KABOOM the bathroom explodes.

JAKE GYLENHAAL: I forgot to tell you, Storm. That's not your money, that's a remote control bomb.

He smiles. Pan over to reveal the bartender, who nods at JAKE GYLENHAAL. We realize the bartender is actually NINO.


ROLL CREDITS.