Reneblade!

A Police Station. Two grizzled veteran detectives eat cup a noodles.

DETECTIVE SNYDER
Look, the recent stabbings of famous good-hearted philanthropists are clearly done by the very best. The stabbings have the kind of perfection you and I have seen only once before. I say, the man behind these stabbings is Reneblade himself!

DETECTIVE SHAW
That's impossible, detective! Reneblade is locked up in maximum security prison at the Magnumhammer Penitentiary on the top of Mount Danger. He could never escape.

DETECTIVE SNYDER
He's the best stabber the world has ever seen. He's one in a million. And something tells me he's got a hand in this. I'm going there now!

CUT TO Magnumhammer Federal Penitentiary. Basically a seven story ball of poisoned barb wire with two tiny cells in the center, one for famed stabber Rene Cutmann, and the other for the criminal mastermind known only as "King Murder."

Detective Snyder stands in front of Rene's cell. Rene is doing hundreds of pushups one handed. He's unbelievably handsome, and the piercing look in his eye is that of the world's premier expert on knives, stabbing and cutting. He's a total badass, and he has somehow aquired a black leather jacket in prison. He looks hunky.

DETECTIVE SNYDER
Rene. Rene Cutmann. The one they call the "Reneblade."

RENEBLADE
Detective Snyder-- you dumb asshole.

DETECTIVE SNYDER
There's been more murders, Reneblade. And even though you're locked up in here, I know you're responsible.

RENEBLADE
I'm not responsible for shit, you fucking moron. And that hat makes you look like a botched abortion.

DETECTIVE SNYDER
These crimes- only you could have done them. All those poor philanthropists- cut down in the prime of their lives.

RENEBLADE
When I was active-- when Rupert Murdoch fired me from the knife circus because of my love of nature, and I was forced to stab for cash for me and the other unemployeed circus employees, I never stole from anyone who couldn't afford it. And the one person who did wind up dead died by accident, as I kept saying again and again during my show trial. I'm a master of knife stabbing with any edged weapon, detective Snyder. But I'm no killer. I'm just a man. A man who had a family once, and who still has a daughter I refuse to let see me because of how I don't want her to see me like this. And I've been here for three long years, Snyder-- three years for a cutting I didn't commit, for an accident I had no control over. My trial wasn't fair, because the newspapers used my circus stage name, The Reneblade, to influence those stupid jurors. But now, after three years in this hell with no one to keep me company, I've become what you and the newpapers wanted me to be. Rene Cutmann is dead now, never to return, and all that's left is the best knife man anybody's ever heard of-- The Reneblade. That's who I am now- I don't think there's anything left for the old me in this cold, horrid world. Nothing but my mastery of cutting and stabbing and my unquenchable thirst for justice, not just for me but for all the world's downtrodden and poor. It's about time, Detective Snyder, that someone stood up for the little people that big corporations are contantly downtrodding. If there was anyway I could escape from this prison I would dedicate my life to that-- to helping people by fighting against the system. And thus I would earn my name, The Reneblade, by being what the name is from, the word renegade, and, also, using knives to accomplish my goals. So I ask you this, Detective Snyder: why, oh why, would I, who wants to help people, kill philantropists? Think about it! And how would I get out of this giant prison? Yes, I might be a master of all things bladed and cutting, but I'm no wizard-- anyone can see this prison is unescapable! And you're supposing I'm escaping it, somehow getting down to the bottom of it despite the fact that it's the world's most dangerous mountain, and then assassinating philanthropists, people who are in fact on my side? And then sneaking back into the hellish prison?! Look in the mirror and realize how stupid you are being, you fucking asshole. First you convict and send me to prison on bullshit charges, then, you come here and accuse me of hurting beloved philanthropists, the one type of people who have money and aren't afraid to use it to help people instead of buying ANOTHER yacht? Oh man, Snyder. This is a new low. A new fucking low. Even for you. I wish I could say I was surprised. And I wish I could reach through those bars and slap some sense into you. But on the other hand, I understand, since you just want to stop this wretched spate of philanthropist murders, and you're at the end of your rope since every time he stabs someone it's a perfect crime. I wish I could stop him too, but I can't because I'm in bullshit jail.

DETECTIVE SNYDER
You make a good point, Reneblade.

RENEBLADE
I always did, detective.

BOTH
Ha Ha Ha Ha HA!

DETECTIVE SNYDER
I just had a realization. Obviously you aren't the mysterious cutmaster I'm desperate to catch. But perhaps you, with your mastery of cutting, could use that to help me catch him.

RENEBLADE
He's giving knife people a bad name. I'll do it. But I'm going to want my freedom in return.

DETECTIVE SNYDER (unlocking cell)
Fine. But if you fail me you're never getting out of this cell.

RENEBLADE (stepping out of cell)
Ah, the sweet taste of freedom. Now let's catch this mother.

DETECTIVE SNYDER
Is there anything you need to catch him?

RENEBLADE
I'm going to need a bunch of knives.

CUT TO BLACK.

ROLL OPENING CREDITS with music.