PIERRE: Hello class! Welcome to Ski School.
CLASS: Yeah!
PIERRE: You've been selected to join this school because you're the best skiers in the entire world. Claude Monet-- you raced down the Matterhorn and saved a village from an avalanche. Sean Bean-- you invented hand skiing. Tony Kushner-- you taught a nation how to cry, and you did so without leaving the slopes. And those are just the first three on my list: everyone here, all 25 of you, could tell an amazing story about skiing, or skis, or ski jumps. You're an inspiration.
CLASS: Yeah!
PIERRE: So why do I get to be your teacher? Two reasons--One: I've got a teaching degree. Two: I'm the founder of Mountain High, the most prestigious ski school in history. Last week three magazines referred to my school as "The Harvard of Skiing." Two magazines called it "The Oxford of the Mountains" and one magazine, "Ski Education Yearly," called it "A positive Snow Sorbonne!" Yesterday I taught a horse to telemark in less than half an hour. I'm the best skiing instructor there ever was, and, according to a crippled gypsy fortune teller I'm acquainted with, I'm the the best ski instructor there ever will be. And she told me that before I taught to her to telemark in less than half an hour. So who wants to get started? Who wants to LEARN!
CLASS: We do!
PIERRE: Then come here and I'll hand out your skis!
The class goes over to the big box of skis, and Pierre starts handing them out.
PIERRE: You're Pete Fountain, right?
PETE: That's right, instructor. You may remember my story-- I skied all the way from Alaska to Peru while tracking an elusive murderer.
PIERRE: Of course I remember. Your final showdown made national news.
PETE: That was me all right!
PIERRE: Here, these are your skis.
PETE: What? These skis are so small! They're the size of postage stamps!
PIERRE: Trust me-- if you had had those skis you would have caught up to the Nome Strangler a little bit sooner than Peru!
PETE: Fine.
Pete leaves, carefully cradling his tiny skis.
PIERRE: And now you, Ms. Sirtis.
MARINA: There's only one ski!
PIERRE: Yes- they said after you jumped over K2 on rockets skis that you were the best skier that ever lived in history. But what if you were the best skier on only one ski?
MARINA: Damn! That would be great!
PIERRE: No swearing on my mountain! That's your first and last warning.
MARINA: I'm sorry.
PIERRE: NEXT!
Marina leaves, tears in her eyes.
WALLACE: Hi Pierre! I'm Wallace Shawn. Thanks for letting me into your ski club, even though the only thing I ever did for skiing was naming my Daft-Punk style electronic music group "Chairlift." I don't even ski, and hate snow and mountains.
PIERRE: Your electronic hip-hopunk is legendary and betrays an innate ability to shred on skis. Trust me-- you belong here.
WALLACE: Thanks, man.
PIERRE: Here are your skis-- you'll notice they're made out of bones.
WALLACE: They are, aren't they?
PIERRE: These are polar bear bones.
WALLACE: Interesting.
PIERRE: I knew you'd like them. Next!
Montage. Pierre hands outs out weird skis to the remaining members of his ski class. Then they all take off down the mountain. Even though they are all expert skiers, soon they are all openly weeping. Many piss themselves. Then they all get even better at skiing, except Wallace Shawn, who is shot by a confused hunter and dies horribly at the very beginning of the montage. End Montage. CUT TO
A sumptuous ski lodge. A bonfire burns next to a hot tub. A table laden with exotic rich foods like caviar and buffalo burgers sits next to them both. All the skiers (minus Wallace Shawn), lounge about, exhausted but excited. Pierre is among those in the hot tub. He has a glass of champagne, a pair of skis, and ray bans.
PIERRE: We work hard and we play hard!
CLASS: Yeah!
PIERRE: Tomorrow we're all going to be even better skiers!
CLASS: Yes!
PIERRE: But for now let's get drunk! Everyone piss in the hot tub! Everyone! Everyone come over here and make this hot tub full of pee instead of water!
PETER KRAUSE: But you're in there.
PIERRE: I don't care! It will be hilarious! Just do it cause we worked so hard all day and learned a lot!
BRET McKENZIE: That's sort of gross.
PIERRE: Just do it! It will be so funny. Bret, you didn't say it was "gross" when you ski'd across a frozen ocean to bring soup to those people trapped in a ship! Pee in the hot tub! Everyone just pee in here! I'm in here! Think of the happy memories this will generate!
Everyone leaves.
1 comment:
I like the idea, but I find it hard to believe that so many magazines would compare a skiing school (even the best ski school) to prestigious ivy-league universities. Also, you kind of lost me at the end. Was Pierre really joking, or was he only half joking? What is his deal? I need a lot more information on that part before I can truly understand it. Not a big deal though. Maybe just write another post that explains about Pierre in the hot tub and maybe one of his students returns.
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