As always, the holiday season has filled me with great screenplay ideas. Here are just a few for you to really enjoy.
The Bird Who Could Cry
Baz Luhrmann used to hate birds. But now that he was surgically implanted with a turkey heart by a confused old surgeon, he'll have to learn there's more to life than just hating birds. And Mrs. Claus can help.
The Christmas Danger
The US army is canceling its yearly Christmas celebration thanks to pressure from the atheist liberals. But Sergeant Oakley Cheetah doesn't know the half of it until he learns the truth: US president Harry Truman made a deal with God that the army would celebrate Christmas until the end of time in exchange for beating the Japanese. Now the Japanese are officially the winners of World War II, according to a new sentence God magically put in all bibles, and only Oakley Cheetah has the guts, the strength, and the courage to get revenge on the liberals because it's their fault for hating Christmas.
Scroogin!
A team of dancing orphans takes to the streets with their latest new dance, The Reindeer Slide. And when three holiday ghosts-- the ghosts of Christmas past, Christmas present, and Christmas future-- arrive to tell them the dance is really cool, they know they're on the right track. But then the holiday ghosts won't leave them alone! They're creeps! Why are they always at the dance studio now?
New Year's Effect
This New Year's Eve, legendary computer genius and bodybuilder Luxor Hawkstrike is taking time off from programming new social media apps to spend time with his beautiful family. But when the new year begins and his wife and children have no memory of the previous year, Luxor instantly realizes he's part of a computer simulation of reality and that the only way out is to blow up Earth. And he's only got 4 hours to do it.
The Ugly Snowflake
Little Lulu the snowflake was just born in a cloud high above wintery Chicago, but it doesn't take long before all the other snowflakes realize she's the ugliest snowflake there ever was. The other snowflakes hate her.
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| --Scrooged |
14 comments:
Holiday screenplays? Really, Steeb? Really?! Maybe you're not aware because you're living in right wing America, you right-wing piece of right shit, but NOT everyone in America celebrates Christmas. NOT everyone celebrates the same New Year, and NOT everyone believes in talking snowflakes. There ARE other religions besides Christianity, and there ARE other people in this world who frankly would rather not be force-fed your ultra-conservative values about Christmas! P.S. ESPECIALLY WHEN GOING TO THE THEATER IS SO EXPENSIVE ANYWAY!!!!! Maybe you can just stop for a second, sit down, and try to pull your head out of your own privileged ass? Hmmm....think you can do that for me? I'm not optimistic. Please think about other religions before you try to convert people who never even asked your opinion. Think about the Lutherans, the Episcopalians, the Catholics, the Presbyterians, the Anglicans, the Babtists, the Methodists, the Pentecostalists, the Adventists, and the Quakers! It's not all about just your tiny little world, Steeb. Look around! Travel inside the United States! Maybe then you can write INCLUSIVE screenplays that don't make everyone feel left out! Like ME!!!!!!
Hey Steeb - Hope it's okay if I address Pat on your behalf here.
Dear Pat: Let me just say: Shut it. This is not a democracy, and we here at Screamingly Good Screenplays can write about whatever we damn well please. So if I choose to write ideas for Holiday screenplays and then give them to Steeb so that he can publish them under the title "Holiday Screenplay Ideas," then that's our prerogative. If the mood takes me and I feel like writing about Harry Truman making a deal with God, or about Luxor Hawkstrike's family losing their memories on New Year's, then you can just deal with it, because we're not here to please everyone. We're here to celebrate (jingle bell emoticon) Christmas (jingle bell emoticon), god damn it. Yes, we know there are other religions, and if you want to miss out on action-packed satisfaction, you can go watch movies about your other holidays. But we here at Screamingly Good Screenplays? We're going to be on the forefront of something special. Special with a touch of Christmas Cheer. So when one of my screenplays from this site gets purchased and produced, I'll think of you fondly as I'm cashing my big, fat, check.
PAT FOFFERTONE: Oh, how sweet the irony! You, a person with the word "tone" in their name, and ME, a person who REALLY doesn't like your tone. As literally everyone who has ever read a single one of my completed screenplays could tell you, I PRIDE myself on my inclusivity to ALL people in EVERYTHING I write. If you had done just a tiny bit of research, you would have learned about one the first screenplays I ever wrote-- "A Shit Named Racism" when I was not even 21 years old. Here's just a sample of the text from page one.
A SHIT NAME RACISM
by Steeb
OPEN ON BIG CITY, FILLED WITH PEOPLE OF ALL RACES, COLORS, AND CREEDS, INCLUDED LUTHERANS.
RANCH HUMONGO, a good-looking 20 year old with extreme pecs and an obvious sense of fun, and with a great intellect, parks his porsche in front of his elite private college.
RANCH HUMONGO (correctly): No one here understands me.
A beautiful woman comes up to Ranch. This is JENNIFA CLOUDS.
JENNIFA CLOUDS: Hey-- I can see by the fact that you're wearing a shirt that says "I HATE RACISM" that you hate racism.
RANCH HUMONGO: And not just racism. Also being mean to Lutherans.
JENNIFA CLOUDS: Well perhaps the offer of a kiss from me could convince you to be a bigot to people! How about that deal?
RANCH HUMONGO: Sorry gorgeous, that would never work.
JENNIFA CLOUDS: Well I want a kiss anyway.
RANCH HUMONGO: I would never kiss a racist. Even one as beautiful as yourself.
JENNIFA CLOUDS: Fine. I am not a racist anymore.
RANCH HUMONGO: Wait for it....
JENNIFA CLOUDS: And I love it! The world is much better without my racism.
RANCH HUMUNGO: I don't have time to keep talking to you. I need to stop a hitler from coming back in time through and evil machine but FYI I live in the Lyman dorm.
JEFFIFA CLOUDS: I will certainly stop by.
THEY WINK.
Hey Steeb!
I've been working on variations of the below for the past hour or so. It's just about finished. I think I've got a really winner, but wanted to see your thoughts. I call it: "A Creature So Terrible" But who really is the terrible creature? With that, I invite you to read on....
Deep in the backwoods of Louisiana, a marshal is lost in the backwoods. Everywhere he looks - east, west, forward, and back, he sees woods. He's been crawling around on all fours for forty-four hours, trying to find food, water, and shelter. His training should have prepared him for this, but it didn't. Otherwise, why would he be crawling?
But what the marshal doesn't know is that deep in these same backwoods, lives a being so terrible, so monstrous, so ferocious, that it is known only as a werewolf. Part man, part wolf, this creature is nothing if not dangerous and living in the backwoods of Louisiana.
But wolves, even werewolves, can be deceived. And if the wolf approaches the marshal as he's crawling along on all fours, isn't it possible that the werewolf might just think he's a hairless werewolf? The werewolf, whose ferocity and bloodlust stem only from her loneliness, might just believe she's found someone who can understand and lover her for who she is? But is she really ready to be loved? And the marshal, how long can he hold this up when his knees are already killing him? And could he love her? Could he? Can he? Will he? Backwoods?
Bloodgush is a metal blood monster and it only wants to tear arms off of things and legs too. It creeps up on people when they're sleeping and it wakes them up just to scare them because it literally feeds on fear! It'll wake somebody and be like "Why hello you disease. I'm Bloodgush and these are your last moments ALIVE" just before it grins its metal bloody teeth and tears the arm off of the person. The person would be screaming like a bitch, even though he was like a gang leader or something, but Bloodgush would just jump up onto a table and laugh this laugh that is super chilling. The police would think it's a serial killer whose trademark was ripping off arms and legs with his bare hands, but what they don't know is that it's really Bloodgush, who is very much like a serial killer, but even more like a monster that feeds on fear itself! The whole town would be frightened and this would be a primo feast for Bloodgush. He'd just be gorging down on all this fear, even when no arms or legs are being ripped off. Imagine that because Bloodgush would have created a meal that cooks itself! Thing is that Bloodgush would also be so fast he's almost invisible so the cops, with all their red tape and bureaucracy, would basically be powerless to stop him. They don't believe in monsters, so there's a handicap right there because you can't catch something if you do not even believe in it! But then the band Deicide comes through the town on tour and you know what they're pretty sure they've seen this arm and leg ripping off pattern before. Of course it was always a legend, but Glen Benton thinks that maybe really what we're dealing with is Bloodgush the metal blood monster that gets his fill off of other people's fear! And of course Glen is right but who is going to believe him except maybe the other members of Deicide except Jack Owen, good riddance, and this is also like a foreshadow that he's going to be leaving the band. Note that the movie would take place in 2015. Anyway just because Deicide knows that it's Bloodgush doesn't mean that they know how to stop him, so when they set a trap of fake arms, things go terribly wrong and really Bloodgush just gets more madder. But then Glen thinks well if there's Bloodgush, there has to be some kind of anti-Bloodgush, and they go around town looking for some kind of nice monster to help them, but it's hard to do this while their tour is going on. Deicide doesn't know exactly what the anti-Bloodgush monster would look like, but they think maybe it would feed on Hope and restore lost limbs. What they find in Philadelphia is even better because its another monster that feeds on fear but this one feeds only on monster fear. So this one is super powerful and it's name is Rotted Steeple, and it has no mouth and it's eyes are just like this never-ending waterfall of blood. Super gross to look at and you just know that even Bloodgush with his metal blood teeth would have problems with it. Rotted Steeple goes along with Deicide, and they go out camping by Bloodgush and put him in a sleeping bag and make it look like Rotted Steeple has very long and tender arms and legs. Sure enough, Bloodgush comes in and tries to wake up Rotted Steeple, but boy is he in for a surprise. Bloodgush freaks the fuck out and anybody can see this is only making Rotted Steeple stronger. Rotted Steeple rips off Bloodgush's arm and says something like "Can you give me a HAND?" Bloodgush of course would scream this high-pitched wail and it's a throw-back to when he ripped the arms off of the gang leader. Rotted Steeple would smile at Bloodgush and drink in that fear. It would seem like the movie was over and that Bloodgush had been dealt with until we'd see this shot that showed that after he drank Bloodgush's fear, he also inherited the power to eat people's fear and not just monsters. Very scary if you want to be honest
Title: Walk Me Home
This would be a movie about Truman Cabobafett, a man who one day quits his sad and lonely job as a successful investment broker, and then decides to travel from Florida to North Dakota by foot. But that kind of thing is NEVER easy, and along the way Truman is sure to learn a lot about America, strangers, himself, and the TRUE value of a dollar.
In one scene, we would have Truman walk up to a house, tired, hungry, his feet blistered, only to find the house seemingly empty. But inside, he'd just find the corpse of a man who'd been murdered due to a drug deal gone bad.
TRUMAN: Anybody home? (pause) Anybody? I don't mean to intrude; I'm just looking for a place to stay.
(smells the stench of death and then sees corpse of the homeowner)
TRUMAN: Holy Christ! I am out of here!
In another scene, Truman would meet a wild stray cat who seemed to take a liking to him.
TRUMAN: Why hey there little fellow!
CAT: Meow (nuzzles up against Truman's leg)
TRUMAN: Why aren't you something! You looking for a home? You lonely? Yeah? Here, have a sardine. Oh, you were hungry! I think I'm going to call you Fredrick. That sound okay to you?
FREDRICK: Meow (continues to nuzzle)
TRUMAN: Fredrick it is!
In a later scene, Truman, now with over 30 cats following him on his long Journey Northwest, learns that having cats is one thing, but caring for them is another.
TRUMAN: Alright gang, I know you're hungry. I'm hungry too. But for now I need you cats to wait here in this empty box. I'm going to go find a store and beg for a few sardines for all you.
ALL CATS: Meow!!!
TRUMAN: Just wait here. I'll be right back.
TRUMAN: (leaving) Holy Christ! I am out of here!
As Truman would finally reach the Florida panhandle, he would realize that maybe South Dakota is just too far away and that maybe he should create realistic goals or also possibly just drive there. Truman has never liked walking and with all the blisters he now has, this certainly hasn't changed his opinion. Truman would hobble over to a phone:
TRUMAN: Mom? Can you wire me money for a rental car?
MOM: Sure thing, son. How's your trip going?
TRUMAN: It sucks mom. I left a bunch of cats to die and I feel just awful about it.
MOM: Oh honey...
One day, people wake up, get coffeed up for the morning, and then they looked outside their window and their, right there, is a humongous eye that is blinking at them and it is taking up almost the entire sky! But don't anybody know who it is though! The wrold looks up at that eye and it shouts "You up there! What the heck are you?!!!!" and then the eye blinks a little bit and a big loud voice says "No I am NOt telling you guys who I am! You just stay down there and shout cause you will NEVER know!" But then that makes our military just furyus and we say "Well if you don't tell us who you are, you're gonna get one of these right in your eye!" and then we point to a missile that is oh maybe about the size of the empire state Builidng! The eye looks so scared all of a sudden and says "O.K. I'll tell you who I am my name is Enormo because I'm enormus and I am floating in space and holding Earth so I can sniff up you're air because I am a breather like you and their is no air in sapce!" Sientists in white lab coats are mad and scared to because they do not wWANT this Enormo guy taking all the air up which we need to breath. But then they think well if we shoot this guy with the giant missile and he gets mad then maybe we killed the biggest person who ever there was and if we do not kill him we'll make the biggest person who ever was super mad at us. But waht do they do?! Then a sientist knows! Trees make air, right, so they say hay Enormo, maybe we can compromize cause if we don't than eventually we'll all not have air and we both die in space. Enormo goes "Yes." and what happens is the scients take some evergreen trees and they use rockets to fire them in his nose and in his mouth. They are both so big that they can do this! The trees make oxygen for Enormo! They did it and then when they wake up the next morning why ENormo is gone! There is a party and everyone is happy but you know...it hurts Enormos feelings taht they had a party just because he is going now.
KRIG WHEELIE-- Thanks for defending my right- MY INALIEN RIGHT! to write about any topic that suits my fancy. Lucky for me, my "fancy" is to write screenplays that appeal to the greatest audience in the world-- the lowest common denominator. But Krig? Uh... KRIG? HEY KRIG!!!!!! HEADS UP KRIG-- you can't take my screenplay ideas. These ideas are mine, and you shouldn't even try it unless you want to wake up with someone throwing boots at you--- to use the old metaphor. And if you do try it, I guarantee that a lawyer I would hire would sue you for 110% perfect of your profits, and WIN.
STEEB
MIKE MIKERSON-- I love your idea of a swamp werewolf and am taking it on myself to write a spec episode of Star Trek Voyager where the crew stumbles onto a planet FULL of swamp werewolves and nothing else! And Chakotay has to fight them, but there's one problem-- the Delta quadrant doesn't have very much silver! And (episode tagline) "Even in space... silver is needed to kill werewolves."
I will send you a copy of my script once it is complete.
STEEB
WALTON POSH--
I love your movie about Bloodgush, the monster that feeds on fear and enjoys ripping off peoples limbs! That's the sort of creativity we at Screaminglygoodscreenplays are always looking to celebrate. Kudos. I could also see it as a great stageplay.
That said... I think a lot of studios would have trouble getting on board with the lack of a female lead. Any successful screenplay writer will tell you: you gotta have a female lead!
So on that level, your screenplay idea is a big failure.
STEEB
CLIVE POLISH-- Your screenplay idea about some asshole wandering around with cats is great. Real interesting stuff.
MESPER FEETHNESS
Loving your idea about a giant eye! And Enormo is a great name for an enormous space giant-- makes me wonder what his last name is! Colossa?? But-- and this is a VERY big but-- how did he learn to speak English? Think about it-- it doesn't make any sense that a big space eye guy would speak english, since (as many people in your audience would be aware) english is an earth language. You 1000% need to explain that, or you'll lose your audience! Audiences need things to make sense! That's their number one priority! But IF you can come up with a way that this giant space man would somehow have learned to speak English, I think I can say without qualification that this movie will be sold, produced, released to wide acclaim, and awarded at least two best picture oscars.
IDEA: Bran Wycliff has always been a visionary. He has created pet translators, self-flying computers, and math equations. But this latest invention of his may just be the most revolutionary. Because Bran Wycliff has created a new color. This color, previously never seen, he calls "Quelf" and it's just..indescribable. Like the saying goes in colleges, you cannot describe the color blue to a blind person. Similarly, you cannot describe the color Quelf to someone who hasn't seen it yet. The new and exciting color takes the world by storm, but after a couple of months, frankly, most people are not fans. Sure, the new color was big for Crayola and a few paint companies, but really, Quelf is just so different that it doesn't really go with any other colors. If you're wearing Quelf pants, you better be wearing a Quelf shirt if you don't want to clash, but then at that point it just gets a little too matchy-matchy. Well I don't need to tell you that it doesn't take long before all of this Quelf backlash really starts to eat at Quelf's self-esteem, and soon she becomes reclusive, gets a few inadvisable tattoos, and starts eating just the shittiest food for her. Come on, Quelf! Snap out of it! Who cares what a bunch of fashionistas say! Maybe you clash with other colors just because they don't know you well enough yet! You were still new to the world and to busy figuring things out to let anyone else in. But now, you can take the time to let you be you. Everything else will come naturally. And sure enough, eventually Quelf stops brooding and takes up a few new hobbies, such as strategic board games, and before she knows it, she's no longer clashing with all of the other colors. She becomes big news, the color of Summer, and after some intense campaigning, as the movie ends, Quelf is unanimously voted into the Rainbow. R.O.Y.G.B.V.Q.
QUELF WORLD:
50 years have passed since Quelf was first born into the world. Quelf, no longer an outsider color, seeped into society slowly at first, but now dominates it completely. Earth wears Quelf. Every house, every street, every article of clothing, every food, are all various shades of Quelf. The rainbow is currently R.Q.Q.Q.Q.Q.Q, and there is a strong movement to give Quelf a sole monopoly on the rainbow. Quelf rules from her iron color-throne, and looks out at the world, seeing herself reflected back countless upon countless times. Yet a growing underground resistance holds out. Deep in the jungles of the Amazon Rainforest, a group clings to their red items and refuses to wear even a hint of the ruling color. They wage a small, seemingly fruitless war against perception and fashion and spectrum. But Quelf is a wary ruler, and is anxious to destroy any uprising. She carpet bombs the amazon with millions and millions of gallons of Quelf colored paint, determined to own the rainbow for herself. She has all but won.
But Fig Carlbot, a mere private in the color resistance, was going number 2 when the Quelf paint rained down, and his fire-engine-red shirt was miraculously spared. It might not seem like enough, but oh, Fig ain't gonna stop fighting. And maybe it's hopeless. Maybe one man's red shirt won't be able to overthrow an entire planet's monochrome Quelfness. But then again, maybe it can. And maybe if Fig trains and hides and lives and dreams and just refuses to give up, maybe he can restore the rainbow to the hope - to the promise that it once was. But one thing's for sure. He can't do it alone. He'll need his trusty parrot, Buko, who unfortunately was dyed Quelf and only speaks in parrot-talk.
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