SWAT TEAM THE MOVIE

Dawn at the old firin' range

DAWN. The Washington DC swat team training center firing range.  MITCH MILLIGAN-- handsome, young, rich brown eyes, shirtless-- stares down the barrel of a handgun with a LAZER sight, the most expensive kind available. Mitch smiles, and we see downrange just what he's aiming at: the word "terrorism" written on a pale yellow post-it note stuck on an old board. Below the word "terrorism"(but still on the post-it note) there is a crude but emotionally resonant picture of a terrorist trapped underneath a big boulder.  The expression on the terrorist's face is like "Oh nuts." His kalashnikov is just out of reach.

Range Dange(r)

A bright red dot from the LAZER sight dances across the post-it note, and settles on another part of the drawing, previously hidden in shadow: we recognize this instantly as a sketch of our hero Mitch Milligan, dressed in a US army dress uniform with the markings of the 9th engineer battalion of the 172nd infantry brigade. The  drawing of Mitch is looking down at the trapped terrorist with the sarcastic expression one associates with the phrase "too bad so sad" and is aiming a standard issue M9 Barretta with an aftermarket chrome grip and a standard fifteen round clip at the filthy terrorist under the boulder.   A vulture circles in the sky above them both, saliva dripping from his beaky jaws. The lazer dot settles on the terrorist's head.

The camera pulls back....and back...and back....finally it reaches Mitch.  This is the first time the audience can see that Mitch is almost two miles away from his target.  The post-it note is invisible in the distance, but apparently Mitch can see it.

MITCH: Correct for the damn curvature of the earth, and...

He squints...his finger tightens on the trigger...and...BLAM!

In the time it takes a terrorist to die, the camera follows the bullet out of the gun and hurtles forward with toward the post-it note. KAPOW! The drawing of the terrorists head disappears into splinters and tatters of blood-symbolizing post-it note paper. The drawing of Mitch seems to smile, and the drawing of the hungry vulture seems to be like "what?! Just happened?! "

Back to Mitch. He holsters his handgun and squints toughly.

MITCH: Suck my asshole, terrorism. 

Music sting! And the camera flies up into space and shows a birdseye view of all of the Washington D.C. metro area. And the title sequence starts under heavy guitars and banging heavy drums and horrifying electric screams. Each letter of the name of the movie (SWAT Team The Movie) scrolls across the screen very slowly one at a time. The letters are hollow and on fire and filled with movies that show the life history of Mitch Milligan.

S: We see a fresh-faced soldier Mitch in a line of other soldiers at his basic training graduation ceremony, outside on a beautiful field. Mitch salutes the general and gets a medal for being the best basic trainer soldier.

W: Valedictorian Mitch speaks at his highschool graduation. He gesticulates at the words "The Future Is Going to Go Perfectly!" projected on the wall behind him. His audience weepclaps with joy and feeling.

A: Tween Mitch on his first day of middle school. He enters a science class and shakes hands with the nerdy arabic professor. He's got science covered, his expression seems to say.

T: Seven-year-old Mitch wins the World Youth Muy Thai Championships with a low kick against a hulking Irish preteen.

T: At the same World Youth Muy Thai Championships, the Irish preteen lifts up his shirt to reveal a belt made of grenades. Seven-year-old  Mitch looks on in horror as the teen shouts a slogan and pulls the pin.

E: In the same middle school science class as before, tween Mitch watches as his science teacher writes "USA=Devil Country" on the chalkboard and then pulls out a Kalashnikov and hoses down the room with gunfire. Mitch mouths the words "NOOOOOOOO!" as his awesome science project about photosynthesis is blasted to smithereens.

A: Back to the highschool graduation. The projected words behind valedictorian Mitch now read "We will all have great lives!" As the crowd gets up to standingly ovate Mitch, four Bosnian terrorists kick through the doors of the auditorium and fire submachine guns into the air. Everyone cowers as a big terrorist pushes young Mitch out of the way to get to the microphone. Mitch mouths the words "I can't believe this is happening again!" to his girlfriend but is then shot in the arm. Youch!

M: Back at the basic training ceremony. Soldier Mitch shakes hands with the general as all his basic training buddies high-five each other and shotgun beers. But the camera pans to reveal that one of the students graduating is just a dummy made out of C4. Nearby, a shadowy figure in a red cadillac presses a button on a cell phone. The ceremony explodes! All the soldiers stand up, but now they have wild hair and sooty faces and their uniforms are all torn. In the distance the red cadillac squeals away. Mitch pulls out his baretta and empties the clip at the cadillac, but before he can do serious damage the car drives into the back of a C-130 military transport plane as it takes off. We see Mitch mouth the words "Ugh! More terrorism!"

He's like "quit it!"

T: A few weeks after basic training, soldier Mitch recieves the congressional medal of honor for his bravery in the face of the basic training terrorism fiasco. The president hugs him for a little too long as the president's wife looks over jealously.

H: Sergeant Mitch shirtlessly studies a map labelled "Terrorist Hideout--Pakistan" through night vision goggles. He is heavily armed. He puts down the map and writes a letter in beautiful cursive: "Dear Mom, I love you and I know you are scared that I am fighting terrorist guys and won't stop doing that for the USA. But mom as much as I am afraid to die I am more afraid of terrorism hurting our nation so obviously I have to do this. Don't stop loving freedom. Sincerely Mitch. PS I forgive dad for being so tough on me because he was an ace cop and didn't know how to care."

E: Prisoner-of-war Mitch in a terrorist prison hole. He has a big beard and long hair and is wearing tattered rags. He looks terrible, but he nods, as if to say "I'm down but not out!" He sharpens a knife made out of a rake against the concrete wall of his cell. He takes a crumpled picture of Denise Richards out of his beard and looks at it. He cries a single tear.

M: Sergeant Mitch puts the letter to his mom into a Pakistani mailbox. We see that a filthy terrorist is watching him! The terrorist gets a phone call. Split screen reveals that the terrorist is getting a call from...the president's wife! Her expression shows that she is in a jealous rage because of how much her husband cares for Mitch, and that she is ordering the terrorist to put Mitch into a prison hole. The terrorist nods, as if to say "no probs!"

O: A big thug terrorist with a stupid hat orders prisoner-of-war Mitch to rake the gravel courtyard of the terrorist hideout. Suddenly Mitch lashes out with the rake! And stabs a guard! And then does a classic muy thai low kick! Mitch grabs the keys from the knocked-out guard and rapidly unshackles himself. Mitch does a flip and escapes!

V:  Teen Mitch is alone on the couch watching the James Bond film "The World Is Not Enough" on blu-ray when Denise Richards appears on screen as the character "Christmas Jones."  We can see from the expression on Mitch's face that he is very attracted to Denise Richards and also that he totally buys her performance as an american nuclear scientist.  "Brava!" his eyes seem to be saying. "Bravatissima!"   When Christmas Jones is slowly crushed to death in the robot talons of The Omega Phoenix, the two-hundred-foot mecha-hawk powered by nuclear explosions and created by the terrorist overlord Renard, Mitch chokes up but refuses to let himself cry.  On screen, Pierce Brosnan as James Bond 007 weeps openly for his lost love (Christmas Jones) as he seals Renard into a Eurovan full of starving hyenas.

I: Prisoner-of-war Mitch arrives at the White House after his escape from the Pakistani terrorist hideout, still hairy and unkempt.  The president is overjoyed to see him-- literally jumping up and down, and in front of the press no less-- but no one blames him because 1.  An American hero has returned and 2.  It's widely known that the president thinks Mitch is a great guy. We see the president mouth the words "We all thought you were dead! But we are so glad you are back!"  Mitch responds,"It was those fucking terrorists again! We have to do something about them!"  Of course there's one face in the room that isn't smiling.  The First Lady. She grits her teeth as Mitch and the president embrace.  She shakes her head, as if to say "There's more in store for you, Mitch Mulligan!"  Then she drives off in a red cadillac.

E: Mitch signs up to be on the SWAT team at the SWAT store.

All the letters having now slowly crawled across the screen, the view twirls back down to the firing range, where Mitch is sliding his handgun into his chest holster.

A chest holster. But Mitch wouldn't have the shirt.

By this point every single member of the audience-- from those watching in a theatre to those watching on the tiny screens of their smartphones-- will have pounding, pounding hearts, and will need a minute to calm down. So, as a favor to the audience, the camera simply follows Mitch from the firing range, through the SWAT office, and out into the parking lot, where Mitch whistles a fine little tune. But! As Mitch approaches his truck-- a forest green Ford F450 Superduty--- the music changes to something darker and more sinister. It's the "A car bomb is about to go off theme" and we'll be hearing it again and again over the course of the film.  In all honesty there are so many car bombs in this movie! Everyone will have to do an extra good job so that no critic says it's a "car-bomb bomb!"


Mitch opens the door to his truck. The truck explodes into a billion pieces and Mitch barely has time to scream "Ugh more terrorism!" (his catchphrase) before he is engulfed in flames and hurled across the parking lot into a dumpster.  The screen goes black for a minute, and then Mitch is groggily waking up.  An EMT leans over him.

Explosion!

EMT: He's awake!

MITCH: What.... what happened?

EMT: Terrorism happened. Someone put a carbomb in your truck.

MITCH: The audacity of planting a car bomb in the parking lot of the SWAT team firing range!

EMT: You're lucky you made it through-- the car door sheltered you from the blast.

MITCH: Right.

EMT: We'd like to take you in for observation.  I'll just go get the ambulance and drive it over here so you can get in.

MITCH:  Sounds like a plan, my man.  And hey--

EMT: Yes, Mr. Milligan?

MITCH: Thanks for being such good dude.

EMT: Just doing my job, sir.

They smile at each other,  and the EMT heads over to the nearby ambulance.  Mitch looks around at the devastation-- almost the entire parking lot has been destroyed.  Then his eye happens to land on certain car pulling out of the parking lot and heading into traffic--- a red cadillac.

MITCH: What?? Nooo!!!!

The "a car bomb is about to go off theme begins again" and Mitch turns his head and sees the EMT getting into the ambulance's driver's seat.

MITCH: NOOOOO!!!!!!

The EMT, hearing Mitch, turns to him and waves.

MITCH: Nooooo!!!!!!!

The EMT looks down at the shirt he is wearing. It is a T-shirt honoring a recent performance of Hagoromo, a japanese Noh play, at the Washington DC community arts center for men. The EMT gives Mitch the thumbs up and gestures as if holding a fan.

MITCH: Nooooo!!!!

The EMT gets in the ambulance and starts it.  The ambulance blows up into a billion pieces.

MITCH: UGH MORE TERRORISM!!!!

The mysterious Red Cadillac always seems to make an appearance at Mitch's most dangerous moments.

The ambulance lands on a duck, and we cut to:
O'HOOLIGANZ AMERICAN DRINKERIE, Night.  MITCH, now with a small bandage on his head, is talking to BARNARD, a middle-aged bartender with major skin disease. As Mitch speaks he uses a bar napkin and a stub of pencil to sketch a terrorist being poked with a sword.

MITCH: And they're saying that EMT will never sing again.  Christ.

BARNARD: Jesus, that's some story, Mitch.

MITCH: I've got a million stories just like it.  I can't seem to get away from terrorism.

BARNARD: What you need is a lady, Mitch.

MITCH: I've asked out every woman in DC.  Things go great at first, but once they find out how much terrorism I experience, they're out the door faster than a well-executed Muy Thai move.

BARNARD: Too bad, Mitch.  Guess you can't trust women.

MITCH: Nope.

Suddenly the front door slams open and secret service agents pour into the room.  They check everywhere for hidden assassins and terrorists, then call the "all clear."  Through the door steps the most amazing american: The President of the United States.

PRESIDENT: Good to see you, Mitch.  I heard you had a little bad luck with terrorism earlier today.

MITCH: That I did, Mr. President.

PRESIDENT: Please, call me Steve.

MITCH: I joined the SWAT team so I could take out terrorists.

PRESIDENT: And that's why I became president, too.

MITCH: Why can't we stop them?

PRESIDENT: I don't know.  My advisors says the only way they could have evaded our grasp for so long is if they have a highly-placed spy who knows my every move.   But my wife says that's stupid.

MITCH: Well, thanks for stopping by.

PRESIDENT: No problem.