BEEPBBEEP. BEEPBEEP. is the repetitive sound we hear again and again as a woman in a lab coat and a man with lab glasses study a small handheld monitor. They are surrounded by a dense and dark jungle.
LIZ: We made it. We made it to Monkey Mountain.
SHERMAN: Wow. All our work has finally paid off.
LIZ: It was hard to figure out its precise location, but these instruments don't lie.
SHERMAN: Let's do some research.
LIZ: Good thinking. I'm glad we invented this anti-monkey spray before we left. The monkeys won't come near us and we can research in peace.
Just then a jaguar leaps down onto Sherman from a tree and bites into his shoulder.
SHERMAN: Quick help!
Liz grabs the jaguar and puts it in an arm lock. Sherman, rapidly recovering, kicks the jaguar again and again in the head until its skull breaks and it dies crying.
LIZ: Are you okay?
SHERMAN (examining his shoulder). Yes, I'm completely fine.
LIZ: How about a thank you?
SHERMAN: How about a thank you from you?
LIZ: For what?
SHERMAN: If it hadn't been for me that jaguar would have gone straight for you.
LIZ: Christ. All right, thank you.
SHERMAN: Nice. You really sound like you mean it.
LIZ: Please Sherman. Let's just get to our research and explore this Monkey mountain.
SHERMAN: Night is falling.
LIZ: Are you implying I'm scared of the Predator Monkeys this mountain is renown for?
SHERMAN: Our anti-monkey spray will take care of that. I'm impyling that--
Suddenly Sherman is attacked by another jaguar that bursts from a hidden cave. This time once Liz has it in the arm lock Sherman slits it throat with rock. Panting, the two watch the jaguar bleed to death right in front of them.
LIZ: Wow.
SHERMAN: My shoulder is fine.
Suddenly Sherman is attacked by another Jaguar that bursts out of a bush. Once again Sherman cuts it throat with a rock and it bleeds to death.
LIZ: Damn it! The jaguars are after us!
SHERMAN: After me, you mean.
LIZ: (pause) Sherman. Thank you SOOO much for being the one attacked by jaguars. Even though if it weren't for me you'd be dead by now, and even though I didn't fucking force you to come out here, thank you.
SHERMAN: Liz-- during your sarcastic and disingenuous speech I realized something-- the jaguars appear to be attracted to our anti-monkey spray!
LIZ: All the pettiness of that aside, you might be right.
SHERMAN: Might be? I went to Harvard. You went to fucking Cornell and barely graduated. I looked it up.
LIZ: I never want to work with you again and if another jaguar lands on you I'm not going to arm lock it. I'm getting back in the jungle tank, and since you don't know how to drive it I suggest you join me.
The two of them get back into their jungle tank and drive away.
ROLL CREDITS
Final Amazing scene after credits: Deep in the jungle a monkey and a jaguar have hot sex. Title: nine months later. Then we see the jaguar giving birth to something, implying that a monkey-jaguar hybrid may soon exist that it will be even more terrifying than a monkey and a jaguar together.
2 comments:
*Sigh*
Okay, Stephen. I'm sorry I was starting to get upset before, but you must understand that I've had these ideas for a long time, but I've never really found anyone that could write my ideas. I've finally found someone who understands how to incorporate the complicated nuances of monkey life into a screenplay, and in my excitement I grew impatient and rude. I hope you can forgive me and we can work together. I'm not surprised to hear you've had other offers, and I can only respond to them by saying that I promise I'd give you a fair deal. If you wrote one of my monkey ideas into a screenplay, I would split all proceeds with you 65%-35%. And the 65% would be yours. That could translate to a lot of Hollywood money. Let me shoot you another one I've had for awhile.
One day, a man named Bob is at the zoo with his family. He sees the chimps, and as he's trying to feed one some popcorn, the chimp accidentally pulls him into the cage and he dies. It is chimpanzee law that if it is your fault that another chimpanzee dies, you have an obligation to take care of the person's family. Bob was the only one in the family with a job, and without the money Bob's job brought in, his wife and kids will be unable to eat. Bunu the chimp feels terrible about Bob's death, and he quickly escapes from the zoo and follows Bob's family home from Bob's funeral. Watching and listening from outside the house, Bunu learns about the family and Bob's job. That night, he breaks into the widow's home and puts on Bob's clothes. He is wonderstruck by the feel of human clothes, and silently he watches Bob's poor widow cry in her sleep. She misses Bob so much and it's all Bunu's fault. Bunu leaves without a word, but he doesn't go back to the zoo. No, he goes to Bob's workplace dressed in Bob's clothes. But he's only a monkey? Can he learn Bob's job? Can he keep his temper and avoid any commotion? No. On Bunu's first day of work, he accidentally kills another coworker. Now Bunu has to take care of two families and work the jobs of two people! Monkeys were not built for this kind of stress. Still, Bunu adjusts and sure enough, he is able to bring in paychecks for both Bob's family as well as the other coworker guy. But he's burning the wick at both ends. To keep up with the grilling pace he had not evolved to handle, Bunu turns to methamphetamines. They give him the energy he needs, but they also make him angry and thin, and they strip his ability to concentrate. Less money begins to go to the families as Bunu pours more and more money into drugs. Realizing what he's done, at the end of the movie Bunu finally quits doing drugs so he can support the widowed families. Unfortunately, the strain was too much on his monkey heart, and Bunu dies. The families are saddened by his death and blame themselves for Bunu's death. It was his commitment to providing for them that did him in. In a very poetic moment, both double-widowed families go to the zoo and live in the monkey cages so they can support Bunu's family.
Hi Stephen,
It's me again. I understand that you're busy and haven't had a chance to get back to me yet. That is totally okay. But maybe when you do get a chance, why not drop me an email? Also, I just wanted to let you know that my terms of 65% of all profits going to you and 35% going to me are negotiable. Really, just tell me what you think is fair and I'll get back to you. No big deal. I was glad to hear that you were interested in my idea regarding Fingers the monkey bartender. That's great! Maybe I can interest you in another monkey screenplay idea as well. I hope so. If you're too busy, that is okay by me, but why not give it a look if you get a chance? It could be financially beneficial to both of us. I hope you're having a great day.
"Monkey Drivers, Human Livers"
It is the year 3500. Humans have evolved to become very smart. They even have evolved monkeys to be their chauffeurs. All around the world, a mysterious war is breaking out. A sleeping gas cloud will hit a town and when the town wakes up, Much of their stuff is gone. What's going on?
Then a sleeping gas cloud hits the white house. The white house had been preparing for this, so they hop the president in his limousine to drive him to safety. But then the chauffeur doesn't go where he's directed. Why? That's what the president asks. The answer, of course, is in the monkeys. Yes, the world's chauffeurs are rising up against mankind, taking their things, reverse engineering them, and making them better.
And oh the conspiracy of it all for it to have remained a secret from all of mankind. The monkey chauffeur drives the president out to the Appalachian Mountains, but when the president gets out to go to #2, he shoots the monkey and escapes. But the president of the year 3500 doesn't know how to drive or fill up a car with gasoline. He's lost in the mountain forest. Meanwhile, the monkeys have revealed themselves to the rest of the world. People are using their future guns to kill monkeys.
Unfortunately, killing monkeys is not considered murder as they are not technically humans. Those that murder the monkeys will not face as harsh a penalty as if they had killed a person. However, it is still considered cruelty to animals and the murders won't all get off scott-free.
The monkeys are being slaughtered, and it's really sad because the monkeys didn't want to hurt the humans, they just wanted to show the humans how they reverse engineered their things and made them even better than before. They also wanted to discuss fair payment for their chauffeuring jobs. And maybe they went about it the wrong way by kidnapping the president and using sleeping gas on a bunch of towns, but they did it for the best interest of humanity. And it's not like anyone ever died from their sleeping gas other than elderly people who coincidentally died and would have died at the same time anyway.
The monkeys would beg the people to stop, but they can't talk, they can only screech. Except one of the monkeys can talk and he's been in hiding. He has to make his way to Congress to explain what the monkeys have been doing, but to do that he has to get from San Diego to Washington D.C. without getting killed. It's one tough adventure that involves a monkey road trip filled with high jinks, confusion, and love. In the end, the talking monkey makes enough friends throughout his journey that a whole crowd of human friends back up his story and put their lives on the line for monkeys in general.
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