[Hey all— Steeb here, the founder and head writer of SGSP. I hope you’re having a great week. In honor of the recently-released blockbuster film “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” I thought I’d share a bit of my own "space opera" screenplay.
Written in 2003, Star Wras: The Froce Awakes, is one of the best screenplays I’ve ever written in the Star Wras universe. A universe which, I should be clear, has nothing to do with the more famous Star Wars Universe. So without further ado:]
FADE UP ON STARS. Text scrolls sideways across the screen
TEXT:
It is a time of great unrest in the Star Wras Galaxy. Since the explosion of the Space Crab, everything is gross and terrible. Luckily, a new person has been born with the mystical energy that binds everything: The Froce.
Pan down to a planet with 80 suns. Zoom in on a young woman, ZAMMY, with a helmet made out of light, and her best friend, a gleaming blue robot named STINKZ. She is trying to murder a rat with her mind for no reason.
ZAMMY: Dang it STINKZ. I can’t do it. I'm just like everybody else.
STINKZ lets out a gruesome electric scream, translating roughly to “You can do it Zammy!”
ZAMMY: Sometimes I wonder if I even have the Froce, even though my dad, OBOY-JAM WATANABE, was a famous master of the Froce and could strangle even the biggest rats with his mind.
Another electric nightmare wail from STINKZ.
ZAMMY: I’d kill it if I could, STINKZ! But I guess I don’t have the FROCE.
 |
| Original concept art. |
A small hatch opens on the side of STINKZ’S body. A mechanical arm ending in a futuristic shotgun emerges. KABLAM goes the rat.
ZAMMY: Thanks. We better get home.
The two get into their sand-speeder and head back to Zammy's hut, which they are both surprised to see has been burned down.
ZAMMY: My hut! If I hadn't been wasting my time trying to master the FROCE, I would have been here in time to put out the fire.
DAK PITHIOUS: Don't be so sure.
ZAMMY: Who the hell are you?
DAK PITHIOUS: I am A JEBIDIAH MONK, and I've been sent here to tutor you in the FROCE.
ZAMMY: How do I know you're a REAL Jebidiah?
He shows her some dead rats he has.
ZAMMY: Wow! But why did you burn down my hut?
DAK PITHIOUS: I didn't. But I saw who did: it was an old enemy of mine named Oboy. Oboy-Jam Watanabe.
STINKZ turns his electric eye and looks directly to camera like "Oh man."
ZAMMY: My father?
DAK PITHIOUS: Oboy-Jam is your father? Good heavens-- I can't tutor you in the ways of the FROCE. You'll wind up like him: twisted and evil.
ZAMMY: No! My father is a good man!
But it's too late. Dak Pithious is already running away.
DAK PITHIOUS: Don't try to follow me!
Zammy looks over at STINKZ, who lets out his most terrifying scream/chirp yet. It sounds like he's dying in the electric chair.
ZAMMY: You're right! We've got to follow him or I'll never be able to use the FROCE or find out why my dad burned down my house.
Zammy hops on STINKZ back and they head off slowly in the direction of Dak Pithious.
5 comments:
Hmmm...this story reminds me of something....hmmm....what is it?....Oh yeah, my LIFE?!! I know this is you, Reese. This is clearly just a thinly veiled mockery of me, and I know you just wrote this while Snickering with Nicole and Madeline. What gave you away, Reese, was the "helmet made of light." It's not a far jump to link that to the flashlight hat I like to wear. But that was just the first of MANY things that clued me in on it being you. I know you love lists, Reese, Ms."I-Looooove-Lists" Reese, so here you go. Enjoy.
1. Gleaming Blue Robot named STINKZ = My old Tamagotchi named SNEEZE. I would often forget to use my Tamagotchi and have to clean up after his...mess, so STINKZ makes sense
2. Zammy = Hmmmm....Sounds like my nickname, Hammy.
3. OBoy-Jam Wantanabe = Very transparent. I told you about my sex dream about Abe Lincoln on New Years and then just a few weeks later this appears. Want an Abe. The dream didn't mean anything, Reese, and I'm not ashamed of it. It just means I can tell from the pictures that Lincoln was a lonely soul.
3. Jebidiah Monk = Just sounds suspicious.
4. Electric Eyes = Almost rhymes with "Electric Slide," a dance that I taught you, Reese
6. The dad burning down the house. This was a low blow. If you know someone's father burned to death, maybe you can refrain yourself maybe NOT refer to it in a screenplay.
7. Dead Rats - This sounds almost like a threat. I wasn't the one who told on you, Reese. Half the school saw you do it, so why don't you start accusing somebody else? Or better yet, A: Don't drink and drive, and B: Don't drive away after you run somebody over.
Yeah, so in summary, this hurtful, inconsiderate, and just malicious. The internet is a big, random place, but people can still find things, Reese. I found this. I hope that one day, you'll grow enough as a person to be ashamed of who you were and what you've done. But I'm not holding my breath
REESE? WHO'S REESE? MY NAME IS STEEB, CREATOR AND AUTHOR OF THE INTERNET'S HOTTEST INTERNET SITE, SCREAMINGLY GOOD SCREENPLAYS DOT BLOGSPOT COM. I DON'T EVEN KNOW ANYONE NAMED REESE, UNLESS YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT THE HOT SCIENCE FICTION CHARACTER THAT APPEARS IN TWO OF MY FAVORITE MOVIES, TERMINATOR ONE AND IT'S PREQUEL E.T. THE EXTRA-TERMINESTRIALATOR. AND IT DOESN'T SEEM LIKE YOU ARE.
YES I HAVE MADE MISTAKES. YES I HAVE FOUND DIARIES AND INCORPORATED THEM INTO MY WORK FREQUENTLY. THAT'S PART OF BEING A GREAT WRITER!!! WITHOUT FINDING AND INCORPORATING MIDDLE SCHOOL DIARIES DO YOU THINK WE'D HAVE GREAT FILMS LIKE MEAN GIRLS OR GREAT VIDEO GAMES LIKE PAPER BOY?? THE ANSWER IS NO AND CULTURE THEREFORE WOULD BARELY EVEN EXIST
I WON'T EVER APOLOGIZE FOR WHO I AM. IF YOU DON'T LOVE MY GREAT WRITING AT IT'S BEST YOU DON'T DESERVE IT WHEN IT GETS EVEN BETTER THANKS TO MY AMAZING CREATIVITY AND GREAT IDEAS.
Hey Reese,
This is Tammy's mom, Judith. I didn't want to get involved here, but you need to know how much you've hurt my daughter. She saw your most recent comment, and ran to her room, sobbing. I've tried talking to her, but she's inconsolable, knowing that everyone in school will be laughing at her because of your mocking screenplay. I love her too much to see her in such pain. So let me cut to my point: You will edit the screenplay so that it is specifically stated that screenplay is not about Tammy.
I was once like you, Reese. I was young, popular in school, and part of a secret club called Las Perras Bonitas. We ruled the school, and we dictated what was seen as acceptable. If people were different than us, we'd tease them and taunt them until they were too ashamed to even go to school. I know that I, personally, was responsible for at least 4 girls dropping out. I mention this because I can see that this is what you're trying to do to my poor Tammy. But it's not going to work, Reese. There WILL be consequences if this continues. Frankly, if I were you, I'd be scared. Very scared.
Imagine waking up one day, putting on your hat, and finding that it has been glued to your head, forcing you to use scissors to cut around it. Imagine watching TV, and all of a sudden you hear voices coming from another room. You'd think the house was haunted, wouldn't you? Or maybe someone had hidden a parrot in the chimney to fool you. Finally, imagine taking a shower, washing your hair, only to find that your black hair has been poorly died a platinum blonde. There'd be no going back from that, Reese.
It's not officially a threat, Reese. The above ideas are just a few things from the book Matilda that someone could do to you, were she so inclined. But there are other Roald Dahl books, Reese, with many other ideas. Just something to think about.
Dear Hammy and Hammy's fat mom Judith,
You two are UNREAL! I didn't write this, but I luvluv-LUVVVVV that you idiots think I did!!! Oh, Hammy, when you came up to me all pissy and mentioned this site, I just about busted up. So glad I kept a straight face though because this is just way too good!! Poor crazy Hammy is finding random sites online and thinking they're all about her and crying about it and then blaming me for it! Despite your size, the world doe NOT revolve around you, Hammy. Go cry into your trough and dream that your life matters and that people think about you when you're not around. Judith, you're the parent and you're supposed to provide for your daughter. So, if you could, can you please give Hammy a clue? If you have any extra, you might want to give one to yourself because you're not my mom, Judith, and your lame grade-school threats don't scare me.
Peaces,
Reeses
GLAD TO SEE THIS WAS HAPPILY RESOLVED IN A WAY.
HAMMY AND JUDITH: YOU ARE BANNED FROM COMMENTING ON THIS SITE FOR 48 HOURS. THIS WILL BE ENFORCED!
REESE: YOU ARE AN INSPIRATION.... TO VOMITING.
AND REMEMBER THAT EVERY SCREENPLAY NO MATTER HOW BAD DESERVES A CHANCE AT THE BIG TIME.
THE METAPHOR OF SCREENPLAYS AS KARATE
SCREENPLAYS: KARATE
CHARACTERS: NUNCHAKUS
GREAT DIALOGUE: THROWS
ORIGINALITY: KICKS
ACTING: THE PEOPLE WHO DO THE KARATE AKA KARATE FIGHTERS
STORY: HOW THE KARATE FIGHT GOES
CREDITS: THE AWARDS AT THE END OF A KARATE TOURNAMENT
PEACES,
STEEB
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