PORKINS! The movie

All of my readers surely remember Porkins as the fat starfighter who gets the shit blown up out of him at the battle of Yavin, AKA the time when Luke Skywalker blew up The Death Star.



It was sad that he died, but isn't it even sadder that he was fat and named Porkins? And shouldn't we already be sad that he was fat and had a goatee?

The answer is yes, we should. And even more the answer is that we should make a whole star wars movie about the life of Porkins, the triumph and the tragedy of this character who's presense on the screen was all too brief. I mean, George Lucas has given up, right? Is he really going to go to the effort of suing us? No.

That poor fat bastard-- how frequently did the fat laced products he so often ate become lodged in between the hairs of his fat goatee? So frequently, I bet.

So the movie starts out with a young Porkins growing up fat and heavy on Mearth, an earth-like planet just like earth. In middle school he gets teased both for how fat he is and how ironic it is that he is fat and that his last name is Porkins. Also a few jokes are made about his teenage-goatee, which even then looked the opposite of futuristic and did nothing to conceal his fatness. And, of course, all those people teasing him are all like " I can't wait to join the empire and be best friends with the emperor at his birthday party."

But then guess what? Fat Porkins wins a free 3-D radio trip to a fun flight simulator at the galactic mall. Can you imagine how much people will love this? And, it turns out, Porkins is REALLY GOOD at flying space fighters. But then he gets the bad news: he is way too fat for getting into a TIE fighter. CUE hilarious weight loss montage: Porkins running around, Porkins sweating in a steam room, Porkins crying in front of a mirror with a lightsaber knife about to cut off a fat roll, Porkins getting TCBY at a the Cantina, Porkins being hypnotised by a Jar Jar weight-loss hypnotist. Then all of a sudden we're back at the TIE fighter sign up booth. A red-headed Geepazorpotron Alien is holding a tape measure and is like-- What are you doing here, Porkins? According to my measurements you GAINED thirty pounds since the last time I saw you.

Of course Porkins cries. He's like-- "I'll never get off this stupid planet. I'll never fly space fighters. FUCK!! Why did I have to be so FUCKIN' fat!!!"

So Porkins is just like, "fuck it, man: Fuckeryduck it." (trademark phrase) Porkins is at the end of his rope, and it is hard to hang on to a rope when you are fat. (phrase on box of DVD)

So Porkins gets weaker and weaker and finally collapses at Burger Emperor, which is the same as Burger King. When he wakes up, he's in a space ambulance. But then a nurse is like "we need your piloting skills for the rebellion. Will you help us?"

And Porkins says "Gladly. Sadly, I am too fat to fit in a TIE fighter." Cue the perfect moment of the movie where the nurse is like "We're using X-Wings now-- you will fit in them."

Porkins smiles.

Roll Credits.