The camera blinks and seems to wake up-- the audience realizes that at least for now the movie is in first person and they are literally seeing through the eyes of the protagonist, who in this case is BETSY INFERNO. BETSY (AKA THE CAMERA AND, THUS, THE AUDIENCE) look first right then left in a dim room-- then she (they) realize that, oh shit, she is in a hi-tech science lab, her arms are strapped down to a gurney, and worse yet she is all alone. The audience hears her scream "HELP!" "HELP GET ME OUT OF HERE" followed by one more, weak, "Help." The eyes close ovet the camera lens.
CUT TO FEET WALKING DOWN A METAL HALLWAY: We see one wing-tip style shoe, one reebok, and one teva sandal walking together, along with a single dog leg.
PAN UP to the terrible creature that is THE VILE DR. ABOMOBILE! Due to an astonishingly high number of genetic and teleportation experiments gone wrong, the doctor that was once a nubile, handsome brunette with 18 inch biceps and a winning smile is now a hideous freak-- in his monstrous appearance we are able to discern aspects of dog, bull, praying mantis, moth, bear, werewolf, and unicorn. Thick black drool drips from his sickening fangs as he strides confidently down the corridor.
DR. ABOMOBILE: Heh heh heh.
BACK TO INSIDE THE EYEBALLS OF BETSY INFERNO.
The eyes look around and see all kinds of objects in the room.
BETSY: Oh my gosh! Where on earth am I? Whats that over there? A refridgerator? But why all those flashing buttons on it, in so many colors! And look over there-- a sink! It appears that there are several beakers in it awaiting washing-- but why would a normal person be washing something like beakers? Oh forget it, Betsy-- Why would a normal person have chained you to this gurney? I'm sure in trouble now. And look-- the big metal door with chains on it is opening slowly!
With a creak the big metal door opens slowly. Behind it is revealed the horrible VILE DR. ABOMOBILE, whose creepy eyestalks and wierd scaley skin draw attention away from what was once his perfect physique. His formerly strong cheekbones and tight butt are nothing but a memory now-- is he more animal than man? The VILE DR. ABOMOBILE steps up to the table and looks down at Betsy Inferno, and so looks down into the lens of the camera, and thus down at at the movie viewing audience.
DR. ABOMOBILE:
Welcome to my laboratory, Ms. Betsy Inferno.
BESTY INFERNO:
SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!!!!!
The Camera pulls rapidly away, temporarily revealing Betsy Inferno (stacked) at the cruel mercy of the most hideous thing ever to walk the earth before it travels through solid rock, up, up, up, to the streets of Manhattan itself.
TITLE
Manhattan New York
Present Day
LUCIOUS SNAKETRAPPER enters frame, striding purposefully. He is very tall and has a thin beard, and is wearing an expensive suit. He would rival a younger DR. ABOMOBILE himself in terms of handsomeness. He speaks into a tiny cell phone.
LUCIOUS
God Damn it, Foxetta! Betsy Inferno is my best reporter and she's gone missing! We've got to find her, and since I have an important meeting with the National Science Council today you have to find her.
He listens.
LUCIOUS
The New York Times is the most famous and best newpaper on the planet. And you're an easy slut!
Lucious angrily hangs up his phone and enters his office in the magnificent New York Times building. He passes Foxetta, a sexy body-building type woman in a reporter costume.
FOXETTA
I am not!
LUCIOUS (as he walks past her and a people surround him getting him to sign stuff):
If the shoe fits, whore.
Lucious gets into his office, which says 'EDITOR-IN- CHEIF" on the door. He slams the door.
LUCIOUS
Man! How am I gonna find Besty!
Pause
LUCIOUS
This makes me wish I was Perry White, the newpaper editor from the comics. Cause at least he had Superman to help him out! Now in this scenario its Perry that's going to rescue Louis Lane, and Perry never had to meet with any National Scientists cause he never invented a DNA gun!
Lucious takes out the gun from his desk, which is small but looks futuristic.
LUCIOUS
Wow-- to think this gun undoes genetic strands and rearranges them so that people die. Too bad you can't control how it rearranges them. You could stop cancer and other diseases. But I never thought of how to do that when I was inventing it. Anyway, I better tell those scientists I'm going to be late-- sometimes when you want to save your friend your only choice is to do it yourself.
He tucks the gun into his fur coat and stands to leave.
LUCIOUS
Now I wonder where she is...
2 comments:
More powerful than any human, Max Steel has been infused with super nanotechnology (N-Tek) giving him ultimate strength. Now this secret agent is on a mission to stop the deadly Psycho from terrorizing the world. Join Max Steel on his awesome adventures. Psycho is one imposing figure and he's ready to do everything it takes to stop Max Steel. He comes well-equipped with a firing blaster, claw missile and he even has exploding head action!
Hey Stephen,
First the good news.
Here's what I like about it:
:-) I like how it starts and the artsy perspective of seeing the world through Betsy's Eyes.
:-) I like the horrifying vision of the vile dr. abomobile.
:-) I like the science involved
:-) I love the journalism aspect of it, as I personally am huge into journalism and newspapers.
:-) I like the potential this screenplay has. It is science fiction and mystery and horry, and the combination would bring in a very wide range of demographics.
Now the bad news:
:-( You need to "show and not tell." I know this is an early draft, but some of it is a little exposition heavy.
:-( Lucious Snaketrapper's gun is very similar to the Silver Surfer's power of molecular transmutation. Perhaps his gun can kill people in another way. Perhaps aging the person super fast?
:-( Don't commit to certain products such as Reebok's and Teva Sandals. Product placement is huge, Stephen, and why commit to those brands before shopping around to see who will provide the biggest monetary contribution to your film?
:-( I can't read the rest of it! I'm intrigued and want to see more and follow the story, but so far this is all I've got.
So those are my thoughts as of now. Thanks for sharing, and I hope you take both the plusses and the negatives in the spirit they were meant: To help you write and produce a classic, memorable movie that is both profitable, and as I said memorable.
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