We find GEORGE, RICHARD, and DONNER rolling cannon balls down the underground hill in front of the underground pirate castle at gorgeous AMY FRATELLI, who leaps nimbly over the cannon balls one after another. She has the old musket she picked up in scene 175 and has gotten a pirate hat somewhere. She looks hotter than ever.
GEORGE: We gotta stop! What if we hit her!
RICHARD: Oh my god! We'll smash her legs to bits! She could die.
DONNER: Yeah, but what if she gets us! She'll ground us for life!!!!
AMY: Boys, I don't want to hurt you! I just want to convince you to lead the same life of crime I lead! I want to teach you how to hurt people and rob stores! I know you can do it-- you're my kids! And in a way I love you!
GEORGE: That's not true!
RICHARD: I'll never join you!
DONNER: You're mean!
AMY: How dare you!
She fires her musket up at the boys, who duck. She misses and hits a skull cemented into the wall behind them. It shatters, revealing a button inside.
GEORGE: A button!
RICHARD: Donner, hit it!
DONNER: I don't want to! I think we should join Mom! This cave adventure is really scary.
GEORGE: The fuckballs? What about Dad? He died so we could have this adventure.
RICHARD: That's not true.
DONNER: Richard is right!
Meanwhile, their gorgeous mother AMY FRATELLI, ex-wife of dead goonie MIKEY WALSH, finishes reloading her pirate musket, slams a monster energy drink ("KHAOS" flavor), tosses her cigar stub to the ground, coughs, brushes a scorpion off her tit, and begins to scramble up the muddy underground hill. She looks pissed. But she's the type of lady that looks even sexier when she's pissed. The guys in the audience are like "I have a boner" and the girls in the audience are like "I want to be like her, cause she's a mom AND she's sexy." And then the guys are like "I'm going to masturbate right here in the theater and damn the consequences." If the movie is well directed and well cast this should be the fifth time they've done this since the movie began.
AMY: You're my sons and you'll do what I say!
GEORGE: Christ on the cross! Hit that button!
RICHARD: Do it-- she's gonna kill us!
DONNER: Fine!
Donner reaches out and hits the button. There's a clicking and whirring sound as ancient pirate machinery comes to life, and then, for what should be the 8th time since the opening credits, pirate skeletons begin erupting from the ground and chopping it with their swords. It may seem like a bit much, but the ground-chopping pirate skeletons are a SYMOBILLIC THEME of the film and MUST BE INCLUDED TO MAINTAIN ARTISTIC INTEGRITY. The entire hillside is soon covered with the clockwork dead pirates, but AMY FRATELLI doesn't stop moving for a second, having learned in scene 230 (When she rescued Sloth Junior and Baby Sloth from the clockwork dead giant octopus) that it's not too hard to block the swords when you're carrying a musket.
GEORGE: Shit! This reminds me of how dad died.
RICHARD: Me too.
Donner nods. Flashback to Mikey Walsh being hit in the head with a sword. SLOOOOOOW MOTION. Cut back to Donner, still nodding as he remembers.
DONNER: The door to the castle is opening.
GEORGE: Quick, through the gate!
RICHARD: Goonies Forever!
Amy reaches the top of the hill just as the Goonies disappear into the darkness.
AMY: Damn you, Goonies! Even if you are my kids, you'll never get away with this!
Camera lingers on Amy Fratellis sexy collarbones just long enough for every girl in the audience to recommit to their eating disorders.
END SCENE
Guess who's making a surprise cameo???!?!!?!?!?
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