Alternate title: ComputerVision 2010
Fade in from black.
An aerial view of the PENTAGON. As usual there's army guys running around it and tanks and shit parked out back. But then instead of zooming in slowly on a window to find a pacing four star general, we actually pull the fuck OUT, back, back, back away from EARTH and into OUTER SPACE. The Pentagon isn't even a SPECK. We pull right through some kind of dark hole in the stars, and pull back to see a fucking amazing sight that blows minds: it's the SPACE PENTAGON!! Yes, the space pentagon, which you didn't even know about. It's the exact same size as the earth pentagon, only the back half has JETS instead of sub basements and it's surrounded by glinty weaving space fighters, strangley shaped alien starships, and spacetanks.
A sign says: SPACE PENTAGON: Built with the money from Iraq that everyone thought was wasted.
Push in to a window on the pentagon. Inside, the solar system's only 28 star general paces back and fourth. He is an old man but he could kick your ass. And his name is General CRIMSON JAMMER.
An ALIEN bursts into the room. It seems like he might be ON FIRE, but it's only because he is an alien and his emotions express themselves by how much it looks like he's on fire. He is half cat, at least.
ALIEN: General Jammer! The Argotrons are attacking and they want earth for their galactic space nation!
JAMMER: Dammit, Alien! I told you this was going to happen! To the space jets!
The General and the alien and a hundred other people run to the hanger, where they get into space jets and fly out into space. There, in space, are many ARGOTRON SPACESHIPS, which look like metal viking ships with PLASMATILLARY EJECTORS mounted on their GRAVITY MOTIVATOR drives.
GENERAL (over intercom) We've got to kill all these Argotrons, or the Earth is HISTORY. And the FUTURE of Earth is EVERYONE IS SLAVES.
ALIEN: The general's right! Launch Lasers on my mark....hold....hold you bastards... NOW!!! LAUNCH LASERS!
All the space jets launch their lasers directly at the Argotron ships. All the Argotron ships EXPLODE, with the exception of one. The one that does not explode appears to me MADE OF GOLD.
ALIEN (He really looks like he's on fire) We've destroyed them all, General Jammer! All the Argotrons are DEAD!
GENERAL: Almost-- it looks like there's STILL ONE LEFT!!!
ALIEN: But our weapons should have-- what?!?!
GENERAL: Don't worry-- My lasers are pointed RIGHT AT THAT SHIP and in a second I'll use them to KILL EVERYONE ON BOARD.
Suddenly the general is interupted by a holographic message display on his dashboard. It's an ARGOTRON and he's BLEEDING ALL OVER THE PLACE!
GENERAL: Wait-- hold on!!! An Argotron on that ship is trying to contact me-- perhaps we can get some information from him!
ALIEN: Good idea!
GENERAL: Speak, Argotron!
ARGOTRON: I am prince Cyberblast, the last remaining Prince of Argotronia. You scored a direct hit on my ship and my life supprt system is failing and so I thought I must explain before I die why we entered your earthspace-- you see we are fleeing from a great space army that has defeated all of Argotronia and that force is the Sataliens from Planet Dante!
GENERAL: I've never heard of them in all my space research!
ARGOTRON: That's because the Sataliens are conquering the galaxy even faster than word can spread of their evil! When they destroyed our home planet I knew the only ones who could beat them was the americans in the space pentagon, because truly you are such legendary fighters, and you love freedom.
GENERAL: You bet your ass we're great fighters and love freedom!.
ARGOTRON (dying): I did bet my ass-- and it seems... I both won... and lost... the bet. When you...destroyed me. Irony is unknown among my people, but I think, now, I understand...
GENERAL: Don't you die on me, soldier! You dock with the space pentagon and our docs will save you!
ARGOTRON: It's far too late for me now...but... before I go I must tell you the only way to defeat the Sataliens which we discovered after they destroyed us...
GENERAL: What is it?!?!
ARGOTRON: The secret... is.... water...
He dies.
GENERAL: Damn it!
(A single tear falls down his cheek)
ALIEN: Water?? It sounds like a trap.
GENERAL: I don't pay you to think, Alien. Call up the president from the regular Pentagon. I think he's going to want to hear about this...
ALIEN: Yes sir.
The golden space ship Explodes and we transition to...
OPENING CREDITS.
2 comments:
Ca-CHING!!! Take it to the bank, my friend. I'll even stutter it: B-B-B-Blockbuster!!!!! And call me crazy, but that single tear that the General cried, was that foreshadowing? Because think of how awesome it would be if the space pentagon kills the Sataliens by making them watch a sad movie like...BAM!!!! a movie like Titanic and then the Sataliens, vulnerable to water, literally cry themselves to death. Ca-CHING! Ca-CHING, Ca-CHING!!! Also: come on, the themes you've got going with looking like you're on fire and then being vulnerable to water? Ga-o-old! Hello! Anyway, what you're doing here is amazing space work. Can't wait to see more.
Two words for the sequel: Rain Coats
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