We see the sun dawn over planet the earth.
VOICEOVER: Imagine a world where magic is real-- and magic is expressed with baseball spells.
Cut to: A baseball stadium. Seattle Mariners versus The London Amulets. Bottom of the ninth, bases loaded. A pitcher, RACE TUFFNUFF, wearing a regular baseball uniform but also wearing a big wizard hat and holding a giant wizard staff, gets ready to pitch. BRASS CHANTLER of the Amulets knocks dirt off his shoes with his Louisville slugger. The catcher is a troll named Pockets.
RACE TUFFNUFF: C'mon Pockets-- give me a pitch I can throw!
We see Pockets the Troll give Race a special sign for a magic pitch. Race smiles.
RACE: Oh yeah-- the abracadabra lightning special. Here we go. ESBILAN OTTOKAN DAZILAN!
Race throws a pitch that is made of lightning. When Brass swings at it, his bat explodes into ash and the ball goes directly into Pockets' mitt.
MUMMY UMPIRE: STRIKE THREE YOU'RE OUT!
The crowd goes wild! Fans rush the field. Everyone is very happy.
CUT TO A TALK SHOW.
GOBLIN HOST: Race Tuffnuff-- you just led The Seattle Mariners to world series victory. But some are saying that you are so good at magic that you should be kicked out of the game.
RACE: Baseball means the world to me. It's not my fault if my baseball magic is stronger than anyone's since Babe Ruthdini.
GOBLIN HOST: Since you started dominating baseball with your abracadabra lightning pitch, you've struck out every single batter that's gone up against you.
RACE: Yes. Their bats turn to ashes.
GOBLIN HOST: Doesn't that seem unfair to you?
RACE: Hey, I just like to win. I've got the skills to make it happen. Magic's part of the game.
GOBLIN HOST: No one likes any other sports, because they don't have magic in them.
RACE: Catch-22. Look, I don't complain when Brass Chantler turns his mitt into a snapping turtle so he can catch a pop fly better. And I don't complain when Bark Stargoozer changes his cane into magic flowers to distract the shortstop so he can steal third. I've worked hard on the Abracadabra lightning ball.
GOBLIN: Well, I can't fault you there.
RACE: Thanks Burt.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: BOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! YOU ARE RUINING MAGIC BASEBALL!
RACE: Hey stranger-- I don't know you. But what I do know is pitching. And I know that just like the Marlins came up with the magic net bat spell to combat Randy Johnson-Copperfield's fish-ball spell, some one out there is eventually going to come up with something to beat my abracadabra lightning pitch.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: EAT SHIT!
RACE: Heck, they're probably working on it right now.
AND WE CUT TO:
The London Amulets locker room. The London Amulets sit on wooden benches, ready to go out to practice. There are exits north, south, and southeast. There is an Amulet Mascot Costume here. There is a barrel of bats here.
COACH DRAGON: Listen up, Amulets! We've got to figure out a way to beat that bastard Race Tuffnuff and his abracadabra lightning ball! The world series is only nine months away.
NIGEL PETE ROSE: Coach, I've read through every baseball strategy book in the British library. There's not even a hint!
CLIVE KIRBY-PUCKETT: We need to think of new baseball magic!
COACH DRAGON: Yeah-- What's the natural enemy of lightning??!!
Everyone begins to weep as they realize lightning does not have a natural enemy.
5 comments:
stephen, maybe they can make a spell that makes the bats indestructable? just an idea. i've been a big fan of majik baseball movies (field of dreams, angels in the outfield, the natural, mr. destiny, etc), but in reality all of those movies were just holding back on the potential of majik in baseball. this one doesn't hold back at all and if you notice, it even includes such majik classics as spells and wizard staffs and turning things into animals (in this case a snapping turtle. i really think this is the way to go and i would way pay money to see this one. i just wanted to say good job again. while the gold blood one is in my opinion the best thing you've ever written, this is a close second. way to go stephen. thanks for writing the kind of movies that people like me want to see. see you in the movies!
Thanks Dapper Yapper. Like you, I was furious at how magic baseball movies shy away from real magic-- magic as she is majiked, as they say. And I was correct in thinking that Hollywood and America's movie-goers are increasingly desperate for a movie that feels a little like quidditch but moves much slower. And also re-unites the cast of the The Shield, which I'm realizing now I forgot to note on the blog itself.
And for the true fans out there, you'll be happy to know that in my suggested casting for this film (something I include with every screeplay I send out to the studios, unless the movie is only talking inanimate objects or non-anthroporphic animals) I've recommended that Larry Bird from Basketball: Based On A True Story play warlock MLB commish Bud "Blood" Selig. I think people will LOVE THAT, for obvious reasons.
I'm glad you liked the screenplay I sure wrote, about a man blessed and cursed with golden blood. 24 Karats is something I'm really proud of, but lucky for me I've got plenty of screensplays that are even hotter. So hot! For example of you read Realosity lately?
Have a great week!
Hey Stephen! Another great one! BIG fan of lightning spells. I've been working on screenplay of my own and I was hoping for some advice from a pro-fessional like yourself.
Helen: It's dinner time!
Blake: Oh, thanks honey. It smells delicious.
Helen: No problem at all. It didn't take more than a few minutes.
Blake: I've got to say, this is one juicy burger! So much flavor!
Helen: I'm so glad you like it! I picked up the beef at Tyson's Grocery store. They have the best prices around, and they only carry organic grass-fed beef - so you know you're not putting any dangerous chemicals in your body.
Blake: You know that's important to me.
Helen: And great prices are important for me. Tyson's is carrying this beef for just $3.99 a pound!
Blake: Wow!
Helen: I know, honey. But it gets better. With this weeks coupon, found in the Chronicler, I was able to save fifty cents a pound, limit 3.
Blake: Honey, I love that your saving money, but right now I love eating this burger more.
Helen: (laughing) Save some for me! I still can't believe the organic grass-fed beef from Tyson's grocery store on Vermont St. can be so tasty at those prices!
Blake: (with his mouth full) Beleef it!
(both laugh)
Dear Stephen,
As a practicing Wiccan, I find it almost insulting that you're going to make a baseball magic movie and it doesn't appear that Pittsburgh Pirates' second baseman Neil Walker has a starring role. As mentioned earlier, Mr. Walker is a 2nd baseman for the Pirates. I believe that he is very fond of magic stories, and for this reason alone I'm incredibly surprised by his apparent absence.
Also, at the end of this screenplay you say that lightning doesn't have any natural enemies. I found this a little hard to believe and a quick Google search of "Enemy of Lightning" shows that this is not true. Lieutenant Colonel Jihl Nabaat is "an officer in the Cocoon army, a commander of PSICOM, and is an enemy of Lightning and her allies. Yaag Rosch is her right-hand man."
Not trying to point out flaws, but people do care about this kind of stuff. If I did research on this, I bet that 9 out of 10 other people will as well.
Hulaking-- clearly you've got amazing screenplay writing talent. But unfortunately you've forgotten to include the ending to this screenplay: the part where I drag you into frame and punch you in the face for trying to turn my comments section into an advertisement for Tyson's meats.
You dumb bastard: yes, Tyson's Brands Meats are delicious and juicy and a great addition to any meal. From breakfast to dinner and anything in between. But I pride myself on the artistic and creative integrity of screamingly good screenplays, and nothing chaps my creative chops more than sacrificing good writing just because Tyson's Brand Frozen Chicken Fingers Family Packs are available for just $5.99 at your local grocery. Kids and dads might love them, but I assure you people love a screenplay unsullied by crass commercialism even more. Everyone knows I spend a lot of time writing my screenplays-- far more time, for example, than the fifteen easy minutes it takes to prepare a Tyson Fish Filet Dinner for a house full of hungry teens-- and I would appreciate it if you could respect that.
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