Goddammit! Future people keep sending firecrackers back through time and into the present and startling everyone! No one nowadays needs that shit, and it's not even that funny after the first set of them. And no matter how many times the people of today bury time capsules that have notes in them that say "Please stop sending lit firecrackers back through time to various events and parties circa 2009 guys!" they won't stop!
So look: now we obviously need a great detective who can solve a crime BEFORE it happens, possibly HUNDREDS OF YEARS before it happens. But who? Who can we get? Colombo is dead. Matlock is too old now and can't hear fireworks. The ghostbusters have cancer. Maybe... Maybe....YES! THAT'S IT! We'll get genius chaos theory math professor and incarcerated dinosaur murderer IAN MALCOLM to solve the crime.
They shave off his long prisoner beard. They make him promise not to control the weather through killing butterflies. And they airdrop him into the jungle.
The number of lit firecrackers appearing through time portals INCREASES dramatically!! Often it happens while celebrities are on the toilet! IAN MALCOLM has ruined everything again!
World-wide sentiment against IAN MALCOLM, TIME FAILURE rises to an all new high. Everyone is so mad they stop caring about the firecrackers so much, even. Anti- Ian Malcolm rallies are held on every continent, and copies of his biography are put into a blender with shit and piss and then force-fed to unclean animals! Again and Again! It is bizarre and unsettling.
Finally the world's top brains come up with a genius plan that is sure to stop the firecracker guys: they will BLOW UP THE FUTURE!!!! Thousands of nuclear bombs are buried everywhere with timers set to go off in 2025. That will teach those assholes! says the president.
Oh shit! Suddenly nuclear bombs start coming through the time portals with countdown timers of just a few hours left on them!! The future has decided to BLOW UP THE PAST!!! Oh god when will it end!!! Man!
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