LARRY BIRD: If only I could be the best basketball player ever.
SATAN: You? But you're only 5'5 and you're terrible at free-throw shooting!.....Wait a minute. To become the greatest basketball player of all time, would you be willing to give up... YOUR SOUL?
LARRY BIRD: Yes, even my precious soul.
SATAN: It just so happens...
POOF! A demonic contract appears in the devil's clawed red hands.
SATAN: If you sign this contract, I'll give abilities that will make you the best basketball player in all history.
LARRY BIRD: I should have known you'd try something like this, Satan.
SATAN: Are you in or out?
LARRY: (thinks) Is being internationally recognized forever as the best basketball player of all time worth the price of my eternal soul?
SATAN: Well, Bird? Hurry up-- I have souls to torture in hell!
LARRY: It's worth it! Let's do this!
Larry signs the contract in his own blood. A cloud of red lightening surrounds him and he screams, grows seventeen inches taller, and becomes really good at shooting free throws.
SATAN: HAHAHA. Enjoy your newfound basketball skill, Larry Bird. Yes, you'll be remembered forever as the best basketball player there ever was, ever. But someday I'll be back... back for YOUR SOUL!!!
LARRY: I DON'T CARE!! I LOVE THE BASKETBALL POWER COURSING THROUGH MY VEINS. I CAN'T WAIT TO DUUUUUUUUUUUUUNK!!!!!!!
8 comments:
Hi Stephen,
I was so happy to see that you're no longer stealing content from others and that you're back to creating new, exciting and $$$$ documentary screenplays!
This screenplay really has me thinking! It's got me researching Larry's life, but so far I still can't find the answer - How did the Larry Bird - AKA "Larry Legend" get out of this one? Or did he? Is his soul still damned? They never write about that kind of stuff in my dream papers anymore.
I was also very surprised to see that none of this was on his Wikipedia page. My family (work) tells me that sometimes people edit things on web pages, and it certainly wouldn't be in Satan's interest if everyone knew he was offering dunk skills at soul prices, so maybe we follow the money and that's who is editing Wikipedia (the site, not the book).
Anyway, you've really grabbed my attention on this one, and as a lifelong fan of Boston and the Celtics and of great historical dramas, I'm very interested in what you're doing here.
I'm not sure if you've finished Basketball: Based on a True Story, but I was also wondering if it's a matter of historical record as to what Mr. Satan actually does with Larry's soul when he has it? I don't know how that kind of stuff works, and if it's not too technical, I think your audience would be interested in this as well.
Thanks for reading this! I appreciate your voice as an artist and person.
Hi Stephen,
Have you seen Hoop Dreams? It's not about souls, but it involves Basketball and Basketball players.
There's another Basketball movie called Hoosiers. I do recommend.
I look forward to seeing this other basketball movie as it appears to broach the genre in a new way.
If you feel that this film would benefit with the addition of original poetry by an unknown poet, I would also be willing to offer my services for nothing more than my name in the credits.
Play basketball for your soul?
How drole you say,
But not true, no way.
The devil means business
And there is no resisterence.
His red dark claws
Like saws will shred your humanity,
Break your rationality,
And quiet your voice.
You've got no choice.
You could dunk, you could dribble,
You were best as shootin' tripples,
Now that's done, you're done
And he's won -
That vile morning star.
See how far he fell
Just to dwell in a hell
And let them sell their souls
Nothing more than gouls.
Was it worth that Mercedes?
I hope they play ball in Hades.
Copyright Tan Burger X
Hey Paul-- just wanted to remind you that no, I never have and never will steal content from anyone. My mind is a superhot creative intellectual furnace that burns the atoms of my experience at one billion degrees; what you see on this great screenplay blog is what emerges, untainted, from the stellar forge of my genius. If anyone else came up with anything similar, that's a credit to them, not a nega-credit to me. Suggesting I would take content from anyone is the deepest form of insult to a person like myself, a person who labors endlessly over every detail to create delightful yet emotionally devastating screenplays and who has been commended by many excellent high school teachers on my inspirational creativity and what one called my "Force Of Being". So please drop the topic.
That said, I am glad you liked my new work, Basketball: Based On A True Story. I can't really get into how I did the research for this piece, but I will say it involved more than a little oiuja and quite a bit of going through Larry Bird's garbage. And as to why Larry hasn't gone to Hell yet? You had better wait for the movie. Or call Larry Bird-- his cell number is 807-422-6758. He love to talk about it.
Tan Burger X: That poem is going directly into my movie. I particularly like the part about the Mercedes-- it shows you know a little bit about "The Bird Man" yourself! I think I'll use your poem, read by basketball great Dennis Rodman (D-Rod to his fans), at the very beginning of the movie. We'll hear him say it and also see the text in the middle of the screen as the camera pans across burning displays in the basketball hall of fame.
As is always the case with those who submit content to this blog, I will be unable to give you any credit whatsoever. I would apologize, but my lawyer tells me that's a bad idea.
Namaste,
Stephen
Screenplay Writer
Hey Stephen,
I've taken a few weeks to think about it, and while I'd still like to support you in your screenplay endeavor, if I can't have credit for my Larry Bird poem, please do not use this in your thrilling movie.
As befits a person of my nature, I have written my feelings into another poem
I had wanted to help,
I had wanted so bad
A small little part of that dream you had
There was movie magic calling me
To see my poems on the scree'
D-Rod spittin' true my words
Could my life at last be good?
NO is the answer!
NO is what they say!
NO Tan Burger X,
You'll never have your way!
Go back to Office Depot
And sell another printer
Go back to soul defeat
Cause your dreams won't last the winter.
No name on my poetry
Can't you see no name is killin' me?
Laurence of Arabia
That's what rhymes with labia.
Woah! Tan Burger X is a loser!
T-BURG-- I guess your ability to write stunning poetry doesn't coincide with an ability to read. So please have your nurse or mom or whoever read the following to you.
Dear Tan Burger X,
Your poem is going into my screenplay in several places and there's nothing-- literally nothing-- you can do about it. A reading of the full poem will bookend each act, and it will be read by famous basketball bad-boys in every case.
ACT 1 OPEN: Dennis Rodman
ACT 1 CLOSE: Rick Mahorn
ACT 2 OPEN: Ron Artest
ACT 2 CLOSE: The 1989 Detroit Pistons (chorus style)
ACT 3 OPEN: Kobe Bryant
ACT 3 CLOSE: Oliver Miller
CREDITS: ALL OF THE ABOVE, TOGETHER.
Overall your poem should take up 50 to 55 minutes of the film-- you'll notice three times during the film one reading will directly follow another. This is in addition to the many times actors in Basketball: BASED ON A TRUE STORY will unconsciously quote from the poem.
The amount of credit you will get in the film is zero. Please deal with it. If you tell anyone that you somehow deserve credit for MY MOVIE I will personally sue you using a lawyer I would hire.
I am sick of people like you.
YOURS IN LOVING SCREENPLAYS BUT NOT YOURS IN TRYING TO TAKE CREDIT FOR THE MOVIE WRITING SKILLS OF THE TALENTED LIKE MYSELF,
STEVE
ANONYMOUS-- that is dead on. Keep up the good internet commenting.
Steve
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